If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.

I keep thinking that if I don't swing by here, my emotions may go away. However despite my wanting things to calm down or go away; my head swims with thoughts and emotions that make me feel like a hormonal teenager. I am in a funk at work, actually I don't like it. I am overwhelmed, I am always swamped and the light at the end of the tunnel does feel like a train trying to run me over. The emotions that I encounter on a daily basis due to the fact that my livelyhood hangs in the balance of three board memebers that know nothing about me or what I really do. Recently, I am struggling in my personal and professional life all at the same time. I am not sure how to get either one back in check. I don't think there has ever been a time at work where I felt good and was totally happy to be there; and recently I am having anxiety and night sweats. I've starting reading at night everything from trash to guidence and enlighteing books trying to find my balance. Trying

So as i continue down this path of uncertianity, I find my self out of sorts at time. Actually alot. I sit back and wonder how did I become 36 and my life appear to be in shambles. Divorced, 2 kids, a dog and job - yeap, Im living the american dream!! But then again, I could not stay married to lance, despite loving him, and I do, we are not and were not compatibale. Just not. um...so sad at times. So as I get the house, and kids full time and work full time I am finding myself overwhelmed. I have a yard to mow that would be fine if I had a normal mower. Nooo, I have some souped up self proprelled mower that is bigger than me that I cannot work and so I am angry. He comes over this weekend, to show me again how to use the damn thing, I hit a tree, it rolls down the hill, and I cry. I can mow the damn lawn, I am women hear me CRY!! I spent all weekend using the weed eater, the pressure washer and if you think I am going to let the damn lawn mower take over you are wrong!! B

Okay so here it is April of 2012 and I continue to fall of the face of the earth. I am not sure if avoid this space in my life because writing about my life terrifies me or if I just forgot how good it feels to put my emotions from my head to some paper. I feel like I am in a bit of a free fall, falling 18 stories and trying to look into each window that I pass, hoping to get a glimmer of some degree of normal. I look in the firs window, looking to everyone working, smiling and getting along. I wonder how do they do that? Is that really possible? Why does my degree of normal feel like such choas? Lance and I continue with the divorce, for all intensive purposes, it is going well. We are being civil, we are keeping our children at the center and trying to keep our emotions out of it. There are times when this is just impossible, but honestly we are trying. As sad as it is, and believe me it is sad, it is also necessary. Our children are great, and a great source of joy and smile

Okay folks so I've miss you!! Ohh my how i have missed, you. I drive around with thoughts in my head, wondering where to put them; what to do with them; and all along I should have just stayed here. Soooo....the good news is I AM back. The bad news is, well it has been a roller coaster and well who care at this point? I am back. The kids are good. Ry started the 5th grade this year, he has a striking reslemence to Gumby these days. Tall, lanky and skinny. I fear he may be taller than me within a year. He has a smile that will melt your heart and eyes that tell the story of his day or his emotions for the moment. Aside from the ortho and his retainer we are on a pretty steady low with him right now. Which is a good thing; nothing too new on the horizon with his cleft so we are just enjoying the break. Over the summer we dyed his hair with a few blond tips; he thought he was cool. Then a few weeks ago we got his ear pierced for good grades. He is growing up and as a happy as a ten ye