Monday, April 23, 2012

Peeking out from under the covers..

Okay so here it is April of 2012 and I continue to fall of the face of the earth. I am not sure if avoid this space in my life because writing about my life terrifies me or if I just forgot how good it feels to put my emotions from my head to some paper. I feel like I am in a bit of a free fall, falling 18 stories and trying to look into each window that I pass, hoping to get a glimmer of some degree of normal. I look in the firs window, looking to everyone working, smiling and getting along. I wonder how do they do that? Is that really possible? Why does my degree of normal feel like such choas? Lance and I continue with the divorce, for all intensive purposes, it is going well. We are being civil, we are keeping our children at the center and trying to keep our emotions out of it. There are times when this is just impossible, but honestly we are trying. As sad as it is, and believe me it is sad, it is also necessary. Our children are great, and a great source of joy and smiles. Trying to ensure that they stay children and remain happy and healthy, well that is a task all its own. And I must admit sometimes I fail, sometimes I fail greatly. However I am not above sayiing im sorry, even to my children. I am not above taking a step back and realizing that their anger and frustration comes out in various ways and is not always ment to be directed at me. Pyper has lost 7 teeth so far and looks like a little old man with no teeth. Rylan is growing in leaps in bounds and continues to be my soft soul, he has a girlfriend, which is weird for me - who really has a girlfriend at 11? For the most part it is prety generic, I scope out his phone as he goes to bed. The worst thing I have seen so far is that she sent a txt that said she was acting like an 'ass'. Yes folks, the word ass from an 11yr old made my skin crawl. ha! Pyper is such a girl with such a wide variety of emotions and streak of stubborn that makes me want to DRINK! At the same time it makes me laugh, god help any man that takes her on, hold on to your butt buddy! Work is work. Choas, at times, but I am so lucky to have the staff I have and the friendships that have developed within them. Work is still in a major transition and at times I am at a loss, and find myself loosing my footing. God willing I will stay centered and keep on trucking. I have to remind myself that I am bigger than the moments and the choas. Work hard when it is required, reward your workers for a job well done and keep your integrity; and thank god I have a job during such hard times in America. My grandfather died last week, heartbroken would be an understatement. So despite everyone elses suggestion, he died on a Saturday, and I flew to FL that Sunday to Tuesday. In order for my heart to be okay, I needed to go be with my grandma. There was a moment on Monday, where she decided to lay down for a nap, she had a house full of family. And going to her room was her only get away. She lays down in the bed she shared with him and cried. I know this because I followed her into her room and layed down with her. She was attempting to watch TV, her back to me, and I just wanted to lay in his bed and be close to him before I totally said goodbye. As she laied there and cried, sobbed, I held and let her cry. Despite their drama as well, she is sad, lonely and now her life changes dramatically. She lost a husband and I lost a grandfather. So behind closed doors we provided comfort to each other. It was one of the hardest and softest parts of the day. To say that i luv them both would be an understatment. To say that have impacted my life would be an understatement. I know he is in a better place, I know he was ready to die, I know since his accident in 2000 which left him paralized he has wanted to die. I thank god he stayed around another 12 years so my children got to meet him, remember him and luv him. I thank god my grandmother is still around and pray that she find comfort in prayer. As the sun shines each day I know she counts her blessings, and now that he has passed and she is no longer taking care of him, I pray that she finds the time to heal. As life continues to throw me curve balls, I find my greatest source of comfort in prayer. I find a great source of comfort in the small things, from the sunshine to my childrens laughter. I have no idea what the future holds for me.....I am going to stop trying to control it, and just let god lead me down whatever road he wants. I know it will be exciting, full of adventure, life and challanges. Today I am good....tomorrow, well hold on to your hats more stories to come, im sure!!

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