Monday, September 9, 2013

Eyebrows, and more

So even thought I think about writing everyday, I stray far away from it all and then wonder what in the hell was I doing NOT putting it down.
Like I lost the memories and the moments. GRRR.
Its my own damn doing but Grrr none the less.

So here is the funny for the weekend. The midget who is now 7 was in the bathroom, WAY too long. And yes, even now when she is quite, you had better beware - she is up to no good. Whether it be cutting her hair, putting on make-up, spraying some gawd awful perfurm and now plucking her eyebrows. Yes folks, this 7 yr old child, decided to pluck her eyebrows. Now she looks like she has the mange on her face. She has for the most part pretty thick eyebrows, she is dark haired, brown eyed girl that takes after her father - so the eyebrows are unruly.
And now, they are spotty.
If she wasnt so darn funny, I swear I would kill her. She was already so upset when she finally realized what she had accomplished so I did not laugh out loud (which was a feat!) and I did not punish her; walking around with those eyebrows is gonna be punishment enough.
The right one she plucked the far tip on top and on bottom so the part which is next to her eye is thick and good. The left one did not fair so well, she plucked this one in the thick part and make it mostly bare.
First off, what child PLUCKS? For the record, I wax! I barely pluck. And this child, so damn determined, sat down, bathroom door closed, I am assuming she sat in the sink. She has seen me do it a thousand times before. So im sure she plooped her little butt in the sink, got in the white cabinet, which I am sure was speaking to her saying ' look in the cabinet and see what things are in here.' So rather than grabbing the scissors she went for the pretty pink tweezers and went to town. One or two plucks and my eyes are watering and I am OUT. Hell not this determined child, she did both eyes! Determination and sass will apparently get you just about anywhere.
So today for 2nd grade I sat her down and tried to pencile in her eyebrows. haha!
And with it being 101 degrees today, I am sure her face melted off on the playground.
So dear midget, I am glad no one made fun of you today, and tonight as we said prayers and you prayed that your eyebrows grow back, I pray the same and that next time you look in the cabinet you just grab the floss!

This past weekend Ry the 12 yr old had his first football game. Its like I have gumby and the midget in my house. He continues to grow at a rate that suprises even me. He is all arms, leggs and feet. He has that soft glow about him that makes you smile and feel warm, where as his sister has this smile that will light up a room and her presence will make you want to be in her space because you just know what ever she decides to do, it will be BIG. Ry on the other hand will suprise you with his shyness and then turn fierce. To this day the fact that he plays football amazes me, the fact that he plays well takes my breath away. This past weekend he made a touchdown and I screamed and clapped like crazy person I can be. I watched him play offsense and defense and never get taken off the field, not once. He encouraged kids, patted their backs, helped them up and encouraged them when a play did not go right. He is by far a better person than I was at that age and even now at 38, he makes me want to be kind with a splash of grace. I watch him and I cry, you know those silent tears and let just one or two slip away.
As he enters the 7th grade I pray things don't jade him, I pray he keeps his kindness and grace. He will trip and fall and he will make mistakes. Hell there are times when he is sassy as hell and as he attempts to deal with 12 yr old hormoans, school, girls, and parents that are seperated. I know he will fail here and there. But I am amazed that so far for the last 12 years, we have made it basically unharmed. Hopefully not too scarred. He still smiles, still kisses me, still walks up to me in the kitchen and huggs me and tells me he loves me. I am soaking it up with a straw and praying as things change in his little life he has enough of a foundation to keep his wisdom and grace. Hell he is gonne need it to try to goat rope his sister! I pray they are the best of friends. YOu know that kind that its okay if thy don't like each other, its okay if they want to talk bad about each other - but NO one else better because they turn fierce in defending each other. A trait that is a common thread in every aspect of their life.

As we enter in to the latter part of 2013 I am still trying to remain positive. Trying do personal growth and have faith that it is all going to come together. Damit I am tired of being alone. I've tried that damn match.com and it made my skin crawl. I am not sure anymore how to meet anyone. I am also not sure that my work environment leads its self to making it easy for guys to approach me and get the first hello. Hell, some guy called me the other day at work, wrong number. He said ' hey, you sound cute..whats your name." I just hung up. When did it get this hard to meet people? I guess because like me - for 11 years, they are married with kids. Anyway, am staying prayed up, reading each and every night and wishing like hell that I would keep committed to this blog.
So for right here, right now we are good. We are blessed, we are healthy and we are smiling...and when we look at the midget we smile a bit bigger.

Monday, June 24, 2013

38 Another year..

So as 38 creeps up I am not sure what to really do with it....
Do I look back and think DEAR GAWD, look forward and think what the HELL, look at the present and DRINK. haha!

Um. As I look back, I can honestly say I have no regrets. Mistakes, well hell yes! Regrets - umm, not so much.
My bad choices were still choices that I made, of some of them with sound mind and middle age body - so, yeah, I own them all of them.
Some life lessons, some just fun over the top choices that make for a darn good story even today, and some I was totally forced into and the choice was made for me regardless of my stance.

As I look forward...hell, who looks forward, I can barely get through the next hour, let alone try to think about what the hell the next day, month or year will hold.
I hope it continues status quo. I hope my kids stay happy, I hope my friends keep smiling, and that my family continues to put the FUN in dys'fun'ction. Beyond that I pray for sleep and perhaps more time on the treadmill. That stupid biz-nitch in the basement taunts me everyday as I walk by her. I know she is looking at my butt, smirking and saying 'you know rather than spending that hour on the couch you really should be walking right here!' I walk by and I flip her off..thats all I really have for her today and possibly tomorrow.

As for the present, I am LIVING The American dream. A house, a job, two kids a car and a damn dog. Does it really matter if I like, luv or hate any of those items. NOPE. Just grateful to have each and everyone of them.

I am not totally bothered by 38...I don't think.
However as middle age continues to creep up on me, I have constant reminders....that gray hair that is starting sprout at my temples. Yeah, it is starting to form a retirement home for gray hairs, before where I would have one or two, now have a damn retirement community. They keep inviting their friends and family. I am not very happy about this one!!

The wrinkles that continue to form around my eyes...you know the ones that would be there when you smiled back when you were 28 and then your eyes would remain bright. Well, now when I smile and the wrinkles kick in they seem to stay longer and grooves get deeper. No so happy about this one either.

I am avoiding back fat at this moment, but I see it wanting to form and taunt me as well. How about we make a pact and you hold off another year or two, until we can have a few drinks, get to know each other and make friends.

The stomach that never completely returned after having two kids. You know what, I'll take it. You and that damn 15lbs that won't go away. Well, I really don't try to terribly hard to make either one of you leave, so as long as I can keep my hillbilly happy hour of red wine and Cheetos I keep you around. If you invite extra lbs to the party, we will fight!!

To the butt that continues to fall. I am reminded everyday by the midget who is butt high, how big you are and how I apparently have two butts. You know the one that sits up where it should and then this one that sort of cradles it below, like a smiley face. Yeap, so far so good for 38!

For the most part I am totally comfortable in my own skin and it has taken the better part of 38 years to get there.
I never had any real hopes and dreams of being married, with kids and the white picket fence. If I ever envisioned the fence, I am sure it was on fire!
So, as I wrap up an 11 marriage and try to figure out what the hell I really do when I grow up, I am finding peace in the here and now.
My marriage produced two wonderful kids, a home and houseful of memories and I am lucky to say that we co-parent really well and are much better not living under the same roof. I don't think I will travel down the path of my parents and divorce and re-marry each other; I do think we will always remain friends and do what is best for our children together. Any major damage, hate or raw emotion is gone between the both of us - we have come out on the other side of this just glad to have remained in tact and friends. Not friends with benefits, not friends with any real emotion other than wishing each other best in whatever form that is and as long as it is not together - haha!

At 38 I have a job that would love to be able to love. I love what I do, but wonder if for my emotional state of mind, if I shouldn't do it somewhere else. But with each job change, I end up having the same thoughts and emotions. So maybe..just maybe it is me?? I am lucky enough to not be shoveling horse shit or cleaning toilets, so for right here, right now I will take it.

As I approach 38 I know that I have spent a lot of time looking for and searching for god. It is has been a long road, a lot of different religions, a lot of different books and here I am a firm Christian. And comfortable in my skin with this, it is a nice place to be at 38. Not sure I ever thought I would get there. As I continue to embrace it, I am hopeful that I am teaching my kids that their words, their prayers and their actions hold meaning. I pray that when we act we do it with grace, wisdom and kindness. I pray that they understand and are greateful for what they have and that just because you ask for it and don't get it - doesn't mean god wasn't listening. Sometimes the plan is bigger than you can see and you must get up everyday walk the walk, survive the perceived failures in order to get to greatness.

My son has taught me a lot about being humble, human and soft. My daughter has taught me a lot about patience and just pure joy. And together they have defintly made me a better person. So I mold them for the rest of world, I pray that I get another 38 years to be their mother, to watch them grow, fail and survive. I pray they look back on their life and smile. There have been tears, and there has been joy and laughter all around them.

I think as I approach 38 that I need new goals. I am in the process of eliminating chaos from my life - which is weird. I never realized how much I had in it until you try to start to get rid of it. At first I missed it, it was all I knew, I even craved it or found myself seeking it. And now, well, now I am good just in a space that is somewhere between lonely and content. Learning to be okay in ones own skin is a chore, hell it is a challenge...but damn when you get there, who knew!!
I am trying to make better choices about the people I let into my life and space.

As I approach 38 I know I am blessed with great family and friends! I have had my best friend since I was 5. We are total polar opposits, we are like the odd couple, but it works. She keeps me grounded, keeps me laughing and keeps me guessing! The best thing my parents ever did for me was give me siblings.... my sister is golden. And my favorite line from her, which we used drunk one night to call my brother (as we were in the taco bell drive thru) 'I love you despite your imperfections.'
Gawd we thought we were funny that night. We are total rockstarrs in our own mind. She makes me laugh, smile, cry and feel totally at home and safe in her space. Her children fill my head and heart with joy and laughter that makes me want to bottle it up and sell on the side of the street.

There are no lines between the love we have for our aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. The love is wide, thick and intoxicating. If you see it from afar you are drawn to it, like bees to honey. We are funny, we are loud, we are loving and by damn we are ROCKSTARRS. If you are welcome in to our world of nonsense than you are member for life, regardless of whether or not you stay married. So yea, Lance will be at every family function. Some people live 80 years and never feel the joy and love that I have in my minor 38.
So guess what, I'll take it! Every freakn' bit of it, and smile all the way..

As I approach 38, I know that I am not going to settle. The joy and laughter is mine, in every failure, every stride I take and every person I encounter.
I refuse to live this life without it. I refuse to allow people in my life that are dead set on taking it from me. I can tell you what I won't tolerate and that IF I ever take the leap of love again, I am NOT going to settle. Lance and I were young, we had a lot of growing up to do, and life has a funny way of moving you in different directions. I tried to pay enough attention to the life lessons from my years with him. I did not settle with him, I took a leap of faith and this journey is taking us in two different directions. Still enough respect and love to understand the joy and love it held. And respect it enough to know that it is no longer there. Whomever steps in again had better be strong, flexible and willing to deal the crazy....it is crazy, but is joyful, soulful and so full of life.

I know that despite any flaws and failures that I am going to be okay. I did not know that a year ago.
I know that I am no longer afraid of the 'unknown' and that every failure and mistake is leading me to something great!
I know that a life full of smiles and laughter should be the norm and not the every so often.
I know that you must have a warm safe place to fall when necessary, you must learn to lean into your friends and family.
I know that being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness- well this one I know in thought but am finding it difficult to put in practice. (baby steps)
I know that now I sound like a damn self help book and wanna stab myself in the eyeball...

I WONDER what I will learn by this time next year..........

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Fathers Day...2013

I know that fathers day has come and gone; however when I think about my dad, I find it sad that we attempt to celebrate the fact that he is a father only once a year. Growing up in our little town, my father is known to most as Mr. Bates. For a long time he was the auto-body teacher, he was a father to 3 kids and then when we were all grown up (in our own mind) and ready to move out Courtney blessed his life. His dreams of Mexico, motorcycles and beer was suddenly taken up with dirty diapers, teething and dare I say it, another freaking girl! Mr. Bates from the outside looking in, is a man of few words, somewhat intimidating, big in presence and stature. He doesn't say much, that task is left up to my mother; who has enough words of wisdom for the both of them. I always wondered what it would be like to have him as a teacher. There were kids who took his class who loved him! And if you ever wondered if he was as cool at home as he was at school, that would be a yes. He was not a warm fuzzy parent, but he was always loving and engaged. He left the warm fuzzies to my mother who could squeeze and kiss the crap out of you every moment of every day. My father is not a carebear and sunshine kinda guy, he also left that up to my mother and her wide voculabary of nonsense. My father does listen, does support and does it in a kinda way that feels genuine to the core. He has the biggest and most manly hands I've seen or had to pleasure to hug me when my life got to be too much. He was dead set on teaching us life lessons, that at the time felt like punishment. I joke all the time, that I became an accountant because I didn't want to shovel horse shit. That is really no joke! I a not above doing anything, whether it be clean the toilet, mow the lawn, wipe asses or shovel horse crap. But IF I get a choice, and apparently I do, I choose to not shovel, mow or clean toilets on a regular basis. Now the wiping butts part, well that depends on my day at work - haha! My father is a man of few words, but has a head full of stories and good times wrapped up in the brain on his. So if you are ever lucky enough to catch him on a day when he is smoking something in the smoker, drinking a beer or two and belly laughing at himself; I recommend you pull up a chair and take a moment to induldge in the nonsense. My mother will be annoyed, so you won't have to hear her chatter as my fathers glides down memory lane. He is dead set on making memories that last a life time, whether it be for his wife, his kids or his grandkids. My children will always have extremely fond memories of my father. And as they reach back into their memory bank they will also remember his smile and his laughter; most of it caused by one of his 9 grandchildren. One of their favorite places to be is a home that my father created- and a pond that has tad poles, spring water and a field that keeps them hunting for bugs and enough room to ride 4wheelers. A barn that has allowed them to have birthday parties, egg tosses, bon fires, motorcycle rides, fake tattoos, music and more laughter than you can every put a price on. the kind of laughter that makes you want to bottle it up and save it for a rainy day. The kind of memories that make you wish everyone could have a family like yours, because despite the wack-a-doodle personalities it is golden! At the core of this treasure is my father, not full of glitter and shine (that is for the ladies in his life); but tarnished and weathered looking from a life well lived and full of life lessons and love that is endless if you are willing to take it in the manner in which he gives. So dear dad, as father day comes and goes. And I know how you love a hallmark holiday - NOT! I will say this,I thank god everyday that you are my father and hope you know that your life lessons have not been lost. We are even blessed enough to have your dry sense of humor, shinning blue eyes and a smirk that makes everyone wonder what the "hell". I love you seems so small, but it is all I have. So with that..enjoy your day!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Dentist

So as we contine down this path of cleft discovery. Well it is discovery for me, all paths unknown. I am sure there is a rulebook or some handbook somewhere that I seemed to have overlooked as I sorted through the self help and funny novels. Today I took both kids, 12 and 7 to for their semi-annual check up and cleaning. And of course, Ry's mouth is a freakn' disaster. A chipped tooth, a tooth that is wSorapped in with his retainer that is failing miserably. The dentist talked about crowding in the mouth, teeth missing on the top and bottom. All genetic of course. OF COURSE! How to fill the spaces, what options we have and needing to get the game plan from the ortho in order to ensure they are on the same page. Because we would hate for the dentist to pull a damn tooth that was meant to be moved via braces to fill in a gap. HELLO! The midget did great! It was her first real cleaning and sealing. On the way down there, she told me she was nervous. Then fell asleep...ha! Gosh I wish I could sleep that good. The dentist also indicated that the midget would need braces, based upon crowding. REALLY! Thanks! Teeth are not really our friends. I had braces for 4 yrs, and I had 4 teeth pulled before I got them. UGH, hated that!! Back when braces were totally painful! The metal, the glue, the rubber bands - ugh!! Luck for us, Ry has already had one set of braces, we now have a built in retainer for palatte expansion. The retainer is built in becase we lost 3 retainers. Well the dog may have eate one, but the rest toast to a 10 yr old. We had ones that would glow in the dark, they had graphics, blah, blah, blah! Bottom line nothing lasted as long as this built in retainer. Hello god sent :). All in all a pretty succesful trip. However I am reminded once again at my short comings and failurs as they pertain to Ry. There are times when I am sad beyond words. Then there are times when this darn 12 yr old makes me want to strangle him!! So much luv for this kid and the manner in which he takes everything in stride. I have so much to learn from him..

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Failure is the only way to go..

So I have this notion that failure is alright, it is part of life. It is a part of life no one ever speaks about and no one tells you is 'okay'. Hey guess what ppl - we get fired, we lose jobs, we lose spouses, we lose loved ones, we don't get the dream job, we don't get the guy, hell there are times when I go to look and I don't get the damn ice cream! FAILURE is healthy. I know gasp! Healthy. Why did no one bother to tell me, why is it not written somewhere, in some parent handbook? Gosh this life lesson has been a hard one for me. But despite my failures I am all n' all okay! Who knew? There are days when everything falls apart and fail totally bad! And then there are days when I think i am a total rockstarr; but I am reminded pretty soon that I failed. I am learning to be okay in my own skin, with my own faults and I think I have tested every inch of my moral and personal being. Only to find out that each day, I still wake up and I still live - therefore I must find the lesson. Wisdom, grace and joy. Those are the things I look for daily and with each event failure or not. I pray for wisdom, because god knows I have made some dumb comments and mistakes in my 37 yrs of life. I pray for grace, because hell, I swear that desk ran into me!!! And my two left feet sometimes get the best of me and because I carry my emotions in my eyes and on my face - grace would be blessing at times. I pray for joy! I refuse to live without joy! That is not to say that I won't have struggle, I wont have strife, that I won't have bad and sad days. But damn it, I will and have smiled throught it all. I so believe that I am going to be okay - hell I am more okay today than I was yesterday. So that is darn start! Its a slow race, no one bothers to tell you that either. But don't race the clock, it wins everytime. Don't race your values, they will be tested. Don't race yourself, there is never a winner. Keep your smile, keep your laughter and spread your joy. It will lead to places you never thought you would find. A small note to me and others.... M

Monday, May 27, 2013

Lawn Mower MUST die!!!

Okay, so let me just say how much I HATE, HATE my lawn mower! Soo, with this whole Lance debacal, as it has fallen out - I got the house. Now don't go acting like it was an act of goodness by Lance; heck no. I got the house, because I can afford it on one income. In return he go my truck and I go his 91 Ford that was on its last leg - which still sits in my driveway as if it is a freakn' lawn statute. Lucky for me my parent had mercy on me and gave me a car, I proudly drive a 2001 Chevy Impala - with pleasure at this point. Im still trying to figure all this out and there are times when it suxs! I have yet to decide if I can really swing a car-payment. It frightens the hell out of me... So as I keep the house, I keep everything with the house!! WTF! Where was the damn disclaimer? I hate this! A few years ago Lance bought a damn commercial lawn mower. Our lawn is not that big!! So now I can hardly mow my lawn, the mower is cumbersome, heavy and hard to use! The mower and I are not friends! Hate would be a welcome relif for this damn device. So once a week, now that it is summer I find myself wrestling with this damn green machine of hate! I have had it up a tree, in the fence, hell I just let it go and watched it roll down the hill for shits n grinns! My back yard suxs to begin with - it is hill, it is not functional - so mowing it makes me wanna scream! I am to the point where I want to burn my back yard so I never have to mow it again! The work around the house never ends, I am so thinking about getting a condo. The other day we were watching the midget play softball and lance made a comment about my arms being burnt. I replied I had to mow the lawn. He replied 'ill mow if for you, if you pay me." OHH Hell NO! I'd rather stabb you in the eyeball then pay you a damn dime! BTW, Lance lives in an apartment (about 2 miles from me) - so he has no yard work, no maint in his place. We co-parent really well - that is a true story. But within the first 5 min of being in his space, I am reminded of why we cannot and will live together or ever get back together! And this lawn, how this bitch haunts me all summer... I have a total weird vibe about paying someone to mow my lawn - I know its an option. But I cannot go there either. I know I should down grade and get a normal push mower, like I had before; but I keep trying to wrestle this big green machine half ass outta spite to Lance and half ass to ensure the damn mower does not defeat me. I know, how crazy this sounds...I KNOW. I'll keep you posted on how this summer romance goes...so far it has caused blisters, sore muscles and won't even buy dinner! told you she was a bitch! :)

2013 and then some...

Its interesting that the last two years I basically stopped writing. As if life suddenly stopped. Well it didn't stop, it just got messy. Which is why I should have probably kept writing. Perhaps I could have gotten some perspective, a few f' you's or a few it will be okay talks. Instead I do what I do best, I built a wall around my self and attempted to hide. Well that is like trying to hid in a mailbox while my ass hangs out. Just not possible. Over the past two years I have made mistakes and even become a person even i didn't recognize. I seperated from Lance after 11 years of marriage; had a boyfriend that was also married (no hate mail please! I get it!). Attempted to do everything possible to keep my kids safe and settled despite my current state of bobble head. Yes folks I was a total bobble head and at times continue to bobble my way through this debacl. There are things I do know, now that I didn't know then. I am much stronger than I ever thought. I left Lance with a plan, a place to go or a road map of how to get to the otherside. Provided there was another side? All I knew was I could not live that 'life' any longer; the problem was I didn't know what my new life would look like nor did I have any idea how to get there. So I did what any fancy girl would do, I decided to wing it! Mistake after glorious mistake. I say that now, but damn. I had nights of crying, praying for mercy, praying and praying more, and having my ass handed to me by the people I loved the most. My kids are good, despite me being their mom. They smile, they laugh, they get great grades and they still to this day teach me so much. The midget is 7 and going into the second grade. If she wasn't so darn cute, sassy n stubborn, I'd kill her! And my Ry is 12 and has gone through 3 girlfriends during his first yr of middle school. He had his first heartbreak and he shared it with me. I am beyond blessed. And at that time I was cleaning my own house of emotional maddness so as he told me about his break up, we cried together. He did not tell his dad, which warmed my heart. I did call his dad the next day to tell him, and told him to let Ry tell him in his own time. Ry by nature is soft - yes, even my tough little qb of the football team is soft to the core. Lance responded to me as I told him the story 'well, michelle I will just tell him that women are like parking spaces. Once one moves out, another moves in.' So yes folks, now you can see why we tip-toe around the things we share with Lance. UGH! I am going to try much harder to keep this up, to stay in this space despite any events going on in my life. Good, bad or indifferent. I am not sure what the rest of the summer or year has in store for me, but I sure hope I don't have to repeat any of my same mistakes! I hope I have taken enough time to learn the necessary lessons and gawd I hope the sun continues to shine and that I wake up and take the time to notice it. I've learned to keep things simple and take time for the small things....

Kids

Kids
Nieces & Nephews and Kids...