Monday, May 14, 2012
So as i continue down this path of uncertianity, I find my self out of sorts at time. Actually alot. I sit back and wonder how did I become 36 and my life appear to be in shambles. Divorced, 2 kids, a dog and job - yeap, Im living the american dream!! But then again, I could not stay married to lance, despite loving him, and I do, we are not and were not compatibale. Just not. um...so sad at times. So as I get the house, and kids full time and work full time I am finding myself overwhelmed. I have a yard to mow that would be fine if I had a normal mower. Nooo, I have some souped up self proprelled mower that is bigger than me that I cannot work and so I am angry. He comes over this weekend, to show me again how to use the damn thing, I hit a tree, it rolls down the hill, and I cry. I can mow the damn lawn, I am women hear me CRY!! I spent all weekend using the weed eater, the pressure washer and if you think I am going to let the damn lawn mower take over you are wrong!! But damn, being a mom, a full time worker and a solo home owner is a bit overwhelming. Then on top of it all I watched the movie The Vow and cried my eyes out. WTF? Then in typical girl mode I got mad that I cried. So today is a new day...and the only good thing so far is that the sun is shining. I guess that is something. I worked so hard this weekend that my body is tired and my arms are sore. Next stain the damn deck, then check that bitch off my list. So here is a funny.....two weeks ago I literly had pyper on the hood of my car. I know, I know. WTF? So it was one of those morning when nothing comes together. When both kiddoz are in a funk, when I cannot get my arse moving and cannot get them to move fast enough. She had a splinter which caused MAJOR drama at my house, for gosh sake it was a damn splinter in the finger. I told her to let me get it with a needles and you would have thought I asked her if I could stabb her in the eye. She cried and cried. Then finally I said 'fine, I will call the doctor they can strap you down and get the darn thing.' Prob not my best parenting moment, but it gets better. She cried, you know that cry that sounds like fingers grating on the chalk board, the kind that gets in your head and won't go way. The splinter was the reason the kids would not get herself dressed, or brush her teeth or put her socks and shoes on. REALLY? So I told her I would call her dad and he could come get her for school and I needed to go. In her typical stubborn and 6yr old self she said FINE call my dad. I walked in the garage got the car and started to back out - just for the shock value. Well, at that moment she cames darting out of the house and planted herself on the hood of the car. Yeap! As I am creaping out backwords I have the kids on the hood of car. I put it in park go to get her and she stands firmly and glares at me ' did you call my dad? Where is he??'. I tell her to get her butt in the car, I am done with this. I put her in the car, get ready to get in my seat and I hear her door open. She is getting out stating'I am not going to school today, I don't feel like it, where is my dad.' I am baffled at this point. BAFFLED. I put her back in the car, swing her legs in and lock the darn door!! As I get in my seat, she starts kicking the back of my chair, screaming, I am NOT going to school!!. Listen kiddo, yes you are! And you can call your dad after school. I get her to school and she is crying by this time and her legs no longer work. So I carry in her into school, hug her tightly, tell her I am sorry I yelled and that we both need to agree to try to have a good day and start over after school. And with that our day began and ended. After school was fine, she was a new kid. I called Lance, and he laughed. Ry told Pyper during her rant that she really didn't want me to call dad 'because he would not have tolerated any of this....' ha! Ohh this kid, thank god she makes me smile and laugh - because her streak of stubborn may just kill me!! I have to keep reminding myself, that I am okay, that my degree of normal for today is okay. Because frankly at this point there is nothing that feels normal. I guess lonelyness and seperation have a way of making a person feel defeated and accomplished all at the same time. I have been seeing someone, and that in and of itself is complicated. Prob much to my own doing. However I am not sure that I really want to let anyone 'in', I don't trust it all. But at the same time this person makes me feel okay, with who I am today. It has been a long time since I felt okay, just being me, who I am today, who I might want to be in the future. And so the journey continues.....ill keep you posted!