Sunday, August 26, 2012

We shall see what the future holds...

I keep thinking that if I don't swing by here, my emotions may go away. However despite my wanting things to calm down or go away; my head swims with thoughts and emotions that make me feel like a hormonal teenager. I am in a funk at work, actually I don't like it. I am overwhelmed, I am always swamped and the light at the end of the tunnel does feel like a train trying to run me over. The emotions that I encounter on a daily basis due to the fact that my livelyhood hangs in the balance of three board memebers that know nothing about me or what I really do. Recently, I am struggling in my personal and professional life all at the same time. I am not sure how to get either one back in check. I don't think there has ever been a time at work where I felt good and was totally happy to be there; and recently I am having anxiety and night sweats. I've starting reading at night everything from trash to guidence and enlighteing books trying to find my balance. Trying to ensure that I remind myself that my personal self worth is bigger than today, a project and so much bigger than what the ppl i work with actually think of me. As easy as it sounds, it is much harder for me to accomplish on a daily basis. Most days I give them too much power over my head and my emotions. I fail to remember that they are just ppl too, that their actual thoughts about me don't matter in the end. Their actual actions are theirs to own, not mine; nor are they always mine to correct. I am suppose to have good times, hard times, smile, laugh, cry and isolate at times - welcome to life. So why is it when I go through everything but the smile and laughter I feel like I am alone and the only person to have ever experienced huge disappointment, saddness, lonelyness. I guess the one thing I can count on it that in the end there will be change; one way or another. I have to stop trying to control it all and learn to just ride the wave a bit and smile at the small things; and thank god that i woke up and that my kids are heathy and smiling. My relationship with my mother is beyond strained, her judgement is hard to tolerate at times. I wonder if I will treat my children like that as they get older, if their decisions will disappoint me to the point that I make them feel small. Gosh I hope not. But I can see how easily it happens. I see where she is coming from, but wish at times she could just let it all go, know that my decsions today and tomorrow are not a direct result of her or her parenting. And once again, as i travel down this road of life, I am suppose to fall, scrape my knee, make mistakes - even ones I know are wrong; however it is not hers to fix, judge or own. It is all mine. Lance and I are doing our best to remain friends and work well with each other, for the most part we do a fine job with this. Our children, despite our continued mistakes, smile, laugh and have that shine in their eyes. You know one, the one that kids are suppose to have, the one that makes people smile back at them. Sooo...as for me, I am still technically married; and so is the guy i continue to see. There it is, thats it. That is what has everyone totally upset with me. At my house we call him fred, and the relationship with fred came out of the blue and has been completely unexpected. We have tried to fight it, ignore it. Hell, I dont' know. Here is what I do know. For today, right here, right now, it is all good. We talk, we laugh, - gosh we talk about everything, we laugh at everything and everyone. We respect each others limits, and provide a total challange to each other. Super damn smart, so smart he is a total pain in the ass at times. ha! I won't be saying much more than that. At least not now. My children have met him, it is always totally generic, dinner here n there. Lance has spoke to him, they was awkard im sure, but they too have an understanding. And me, well, we are both wounded, guarded and afraid of just about everything. Soo we find ourselves just enjoying the company without any pressure. So for today and tonight, it just is what it is....and tomorrow, well hell, who knows. It will remain interesting.....I never thought 11 yrs ago when I married lance that I would end up here, I never thought 3 yrs ago when I took this job, that I would let it take my emotions, give me night sweats and steal my sleep. What I did know, was that I would not loose my faith, never forget that I have two great kids and just the sound of their breath is smoothing, and that in the end the only person that can make any changes is me. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself, and in the end it will be me and god. I plan to stand there and hold my head high, in the meantime I plan to attempt to trust him. Knowing that he has a plan, and am suppose to let it unfold and not always fight it. Good night, until next time.

Monday, May 14, 2012

life throws you what???

So as i continue down this path of uncertianity, I find my self out of sorts at time. Actually alot. I sit back and wonder how did I become 36 and my life appear to be in shambles. Divorced, 2 kids, a dog and job - yeap, Im living the american dream!! But then again, I could not stay married to lance, despite loving him, and I do, we are not and were not compatibale. Just not. um...so sad at times. So as I get the house, and kids full time and work full time I am finding myself overwhelmed. I have a yard to mow that would be fine if I had a normal mower. Nooo, I have some souped up self proprelled mower that is bigger than me that I cannot work and so I am angry. He comes over this weekend, to show me again how to use the damn thing, I hit a tree, it rolls down the hill, and I cry. I can mow the damn lawn, I am women hear me CRY!! I spent all weekend using the weed eater, the pressure washer and if you think I am going to let the damn lawn mower take over you are wrong!! But damn, being a mom, a full time worker and a solo home owner is a bit overwhelming. Then on top of it all I watched the movie The Vow and cried my eyes out. WTF? Then in typical girl mode I got mad that I cried. So today is a new day...and the only good thing so far is that the sun is shining. I guess that is something. I worked so hard this weekend that my body is tired and my arms are sore. Next stain the damn deck, then check that bitch off my list. So here is a funny.....two weeks ago I literly had pyper on the hood of my car. I know, I know. WTF? So it was one of those morning when nothing comes together. When both kiddoz are in a funk, when I cannot get my arse moving and cannot get them to move fast enough. She had a splinter which caused MAJOR drama at my house, for gosh sake it was a damn splinter in the finger. I told her to let me get it with a needles and you would have thought I asked her if I could stabb her in the eye. She cried and cried. Then finally I said 'fine, I will call the doctor they can strap you down and get the darn thing.' Prob not my best parenting moment, but it gets better. She cried, you know that cry that sounds like fingers grating on the chalk board, the kind that gets in your head and won't go way. The splinter was the reason the kids would not get herself dressed, or brush her teeth or put her socks and shoes on. REALLY? So I told her I would call her dad and he could come get her for school and I needed to go. In her typical stubborn and 6yr old self she said FINE call my dad. I walked in the garage got the car and started to back out - just for the shock value. Well, at that moment she cames darting out of the house and planted herself on the hood of the car. Yeap! As I am creaping out backwords I have the kids on the hood of car. I put it in park go to get her and she stands firmly and glares at me ' did you call my dad? Where is he??'. I tell her to get her butt in the car, I am done with this. I put her in the car, get ready to get in my seat and I hear her door open. She is getting out stating'I am not going to school today, I don't feel like it, where is my dad.' I am baffled at this point. BAFFLED. I put her back in the car, swing her legs in and lock the darn door!! As I get in my seat, she starts kicking the back of my chair, screaming, I am NOT going to school!!. Listen kiddo, yes you are! And you can call your dad after school. I get her to school and she is crying by this time and her legs no longer work. So I carry in her into school, hug her tightly, tell her I am sorry I yelled and that we both need to agree to try to have a good day and start over after school. And with that our day began and ended. After school was fine, she was a new kid. I called Lance, and he laughed. Ry told Pyper during her rant that she really didn't want me to call dad 'because he would not have tolerated any of this....' ha! Ohh this kid, thank god she makes me smile and laugh - because her streak of stubborn may just kill me!! I have to keep reminding myself, that I am okay, that my degree of normal for today is okay. Because frankly at this point there is nothing that feels normal. I guess lonelyness and seperation have a way of making a person feel defeated and accomplished all at the same time. I have been seeing someone, and that in and of itself is complicated. Prob much to my own doing. However I am not sure that I really want to let anyone 'in', I don't trust it all. But at the same time this person makes me feel okay, with who I am today. It has been a long time since I felt okay, just being me, who I am today, who I might want to be in the future. And so the journey continues.....ill keep you posted!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Peeking out from under the covers..

Okay so here it is April of 2012 and I continue to fall of the face of the earth. I am not sure if avoid this space in my life because writing about my life terrifies me or if I just forgot how good it feels to put my emotions from my head to some paper. I feel like I am in a bit of a free fall, falling 18 stories and trying to look into each window that I pass, hoping to get a glimmer of some degree of normal. I look in the firs window, looking to everyone working, smiling and getting along. I wonder how do they do that? Is that really possible? Why does my degree of normal feel like such choas? Lance and I continue with the divorce, for all intensive purposes, it is going well. We are being civil, we are keeping our children at the center and trying to keep our emotions out of it. There are times when this is just impossible, but honestly we are trying. As sad as it is, and believe me it is sad, it is also necessary. Our children are great, and a great source of joy and smiles. Trying to ensure that they stay children and remain happy and healthy, well that is a task all its own. And I must admit sometimes I fail, sometimes I fail greatly. However I am not above sayiing im sorry, even to my children. I am not above taking a step back and realizing that their anger and frustration comes out in various ways and is not always ment to be directed at me. Pyper has lost 7 teeth so far and looks like a little old man with no teeth. Rylan is growing in leaps in bounds and continues to be my soft soul, he has a girlfriend, which is weird for me - who really has a girlfriend at 11? For the most part it is prety generic, I scope out his phone as he goes to bed. The worst thing I have seen so far is that she sent a txt that said she was acting like an 'ass'. Yes folks, the word ass from an 11yr old made my skin crawl. ha! Pyper is such a girl with such a wide variety of emotions and streak of stubborn that makes me want to DRINK! At the same time it makes me laugh, god help any man that takes her on, hold on to your butt buddy! Work is work. Choas, at times, but I am so lucky to have the staff I have and the friendships that have developed within them. Work is still in a major transition and at times I am at a loss, and find myself loosing my footing. God willing I will stay centered and keep on trucking. I have to remind myself that I am bigger than the moments and the choas. Work hard when it is required, reward your workers for a job well done and keep your integrity; and thank god I have a job during such hard times in America. My grandfather died last week, heartbroken would be an understatement. So despite everyone elses suggestion, he died on a Saturday, and I flew to FL that Sunday to Tuesday. In order for my heart to be okay, I needed to go be with my grandma. There was a moment on Monday, where she decided to lay down for a nap, she had a house full of family. And going to her room was her only get away. She lays down in the bed she shared with him and cried. I know this because I followed her into her room and layed down with her. She was attempting to watch TV, her back to me, and I just wanted to lay in his bed and be close to him before I totally said goodbye. As she laied there and cried, sobbed, I held and let her cry. Despite their drama as well, she is sad, lonely and now her life changes dramatically. She lost a husband and I lost a grandfather. So behind closed doors we provided comfort to each other. It was one of the hardest and softest parts of the day. To say that i luv them both would be an understatment. To say that have impacted my life would be an understatement. I know he is in a better place, I know he was ready to die, I know since his accident in 2000 which left him paralized he has wanted to die. I thank god he stayed around another 12 years so my children got to meet him, remember him and luv him. I thank god my grandmother is still around and pray that she find comfort in prayer. As the sun shines each day I know she counts her blessings, and now that he has passed and she is no longer taking care of him, I pray that she finds the time to heal. As life continues to throw me curve balls, I find my greatest source of comfort in prayer. I find a great source of comfort in the small things, from the sunshine to my childrens laughter. I have no idea what the future holds for me.....I am going to stop trying to control it, and just let god lead me down whatever road he wants. I know it will be exciting, full of adventure, life and challanges. Today I am good....tomorrow, well hold on to your hats more stories to come, im sure!!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

2012 Onward and Upward

Okay folks so I've miss you!! Ohh my how i have missed, you. I drive around with thoughts in my head, wondering where to put them; what to do with them; and all along I should have just stayed here.

Soooo....the good news is I AM back. The bad news is, well it has been a roller coaster and well who care at this point? I am back.
The kids are good. Ry started the 5th grade this year, he has a striking reslemence to Gumby these days. Tall, lanky and skinny. I fear he may be taller than me within a year. He has a smile that will melt your heart and eyes that tell the story of his day or his emotions for the moment. Aside from the ortho and his retainer we are on a pretty steady low with him right now. Which is a good thing; nothing too new on the horizon with his cleft so we are just enjoying the break. Over the summer we dyed his hair with a few blond tips; he thought he was cool. Then a few weeks ago we got his ear pierced for good grades. He is growing up and as a happy as a ten year old could be. He is testy, moody and hysterical at times.
The midget is smushy, entertaining and loud at times. She is into everything!! Always. Awake or sleeping, part of her is always on. This child does not miss a beat. She is loud, loving and there are days when she is sweet as sugar and in a hot second she is a raging beast of emotions. She has lost her two front teeth and she looks so darn cute. She loves school and for the most part does pretty well. She has gotten a few bad days for not keeping her hands to herself. Her excuse? I just wanted a hugg, mom!!! See what I mean? Enough said.
Sooo...whats new with me? Hell at this point, the list is shorter if I tell you what is not new.
um. Lance and I separated over the summer. It was a long stressful summer, one filled with emotions and trials. My work is a freakn' debacle that has me out of my tree at times. People have been fired, there has been a suicide and change after change after change.
And on top of it all I freakn' gained close to 12lbs. Hello arse* not happy!!!!
I am trying to keep some degree on normalcy in this totally abnormal world of mine.
I am happy. I won't air my dirty laundry here, bottom line; Lance and I were not nice to each other. I don't see us getting back together - at this point I cannot make the leap. We live apart, we are polite to each other and we try to make sure the kids do not suffer. Over the summer we started to go to a counselor. One for Lance and I and then started to book sessions for Ry. I am smart enough to know that as much as Ry luvs us; he does not understand this. And one thing he cannot do is feel responsible for our mistakes. We are all learning alot and despite the fact that I thought it was going to be hoooky or a big crappy session ; it has turned out to be okay. So if i've done nothing else right, this feels right and we are gaining the tools to continue to be okay; whether together or apart.
And actually, just between you and I. I don't mind living alone (well with the kids); I have them full time. There are times when it is lonely, but then there are times when I come home and it does not matter that I don't do crap.
My sister moved in with my parents and back to the country. I miss her terribly, there is a huge void in my life with her gone. However, watching her grow has been heartwarming. She is stronger and better than she ever thought she would be. She is enrolled in EMS school and despite the pain, she has joy.
I am finding my joy. I have decided that I deserve to be happy. I work alot, I read, I pray and now I write. So glad to be back.
Just hold on to your arse the crap that happens in my day are stories either out of a lifetime movie or a freakn' horror story.
Here is the fast version:
A good friend of mine was to get married; called off her wedding. The guy went back to Afghanistan - now she is engaged to the luv of her life. Calling off the wedding was torture for her, but by far the best thing she ever did. The conflict and emotions leading up to that was the emotions that write a book. This is her story and she is due for a fair tail ending.
Another good friend of mine is on an emotional roller coaster. Her husband told her in April he was cheating. Wanted her and her two kids (one a NEW baby) to move out so he could move in his new girlfriend - which by the way was 20 yr younger than his wife. Now the husband he has had a change of heart - I think the gf left him; but what to i know. There has been physical abuse, verbal abuse, threats etc. From an outsider looking in watching this relationship makes my head spin. My friend is not going back, but daily we wait for something. I have called the cops - yeap, me; in order to do a wellness check on this douch bag because he was threatening to kill himself. Well he ended up in the psych ward for 48 hrs and the cop that took him told him that I called. So now I have some crazy psycho that not only cheats on his wife, is totally bi-polar; but now he is angry at me too. Imagine that!!!
So now I am back to share my stories, my crazy family, my crazy days and attempt to get through them.
I know now that are things I cannot share and then there are things I can.....It is those that I can that need a place to go home. So welcome home events of the day.
Today is the day I decided to let you back in blogger world, welcome to 2012 and the world of crazies. 2011 was nonsense, heartache and very few bright spots. 2012 has to be better.

Kids

Kids
Nieces & Nephews and Kids...