So as 38 creeps up I am not sure what to really do with it....
Do I look back and think DEAR GAWD, look forward and think what the HELL, look at the present and DRINK. haha!
Um. As I look back, I can honestly say I have no regrets. Mistakes, well hell yes! Regrets - umm, not so much.
My bad choices were still choices that I made, of some of them with sound mind and middle age body - so, yeah, I own them all of them.
Some life lessons, some just fun over the top choices that make for a darn good story even today, and some I was totally forced into and the choice was made for me regardless of my stance.
As I look forward...hell, who looks forward, I can barely get through the next hour, let alone try to think about what the hell the next day, month or year will hold.
I hope it continues status quo. I hope my kids stay happy, I hope my friends keep smiling, and that my family continues to put the FUN in dys'fun'ction. Beyond that I pray for sleep and perhaps more time on the treadmill. That stupid biz-nitch in the basement taunts me everyday as I walk by her. I know she is looking at my butt, smirking and saying 'you know rather than spending that hour on the couch you really should be walking right here!' I walk by and I flip her off..thats all I really have for her today and possibly tomorrow.
As for the present, I am LIVING The American dream. A house, a job, two kids a car and a damn dog. Does it really matter if I like, luv or hate any of those items. NOPE. Just grateful to have each and everyone of them.
I am not totally bothered by 38...I don't think.
However as middle age continues to creep up on me, I have constant reminders....that gray hair that is starting sprout at my temples. Yeah, it is starting to form a retirement home for gray hairs, before where I would have one or two, now have a damn retirement community. They keep inviting their friends and family. I am not very happy about this one!!
The wrinkles that continue to form around my eyes...you know the ones that would be there when you smiled back when you were 28 and then your eyes would remain bright. Well, now when I smile and the wrinkles kick in they seem to stay longer and grooves get deeper. No so happy about this one either.
I am avoiding back fat at this moment, but I see it wanting to form and taunt me as well. How about we make a pact and you hold off another year or two, until we can have a few drinks, get to know each other and make friends.
The stomach that never completely returned after having two kids. You know what, I'll take it. You and that damn 15lbs that won't go away. Well, I really don't try to terribly hard to make either one of you leave, so as long as I can keep my hillbilly happy hour of red wine and Cheetos I keep you around. If you invite extra lbs to the party, we will fight!!
To the butt that continues to fall. I am reminded everyday by the midget who is butt high, how big you are and how I apparently have two butts. You know the one that sits up where it should and then this one that sort of cradles it below, like a smiley face. Yeap, so far so good for 38!
For the most part I am totally comfortable in my own skin and it has taken the better part of 38 years to get there.
I never had any real hopes and dreams of being married, with kids and the white picket fence. If I ever envisioned the fence, I am sure it was on fire!
So, as I wrap up an 11 marriage and try to figure out what the hell I really do when I grow up, I am finding peace in the here and now.
My marriage produced two wonderful kids, a home and houseful of memories and I am lucky to say that we co-parent really well and are much better not living under the same roof. I don't think I will travel down the path of my parents and divorce and re-marry each other; I do think we will always remain friends and do what is best for our children together. Any major damage, hate or raw emotion is gone between the both of us - we have come out on the other side of this just glad to have remained in tact and friends. Not friends with benefits, not friends with any real emotion other than wishing each other best in whatever form that is and as long as it is not together - haha!
At 38 I have a job that would love to be able to love. I love what I do, but wonder if for my emotional state of mind, if I shouldn't do it somewhere else. But with each job change, I end up having the same thoughts and emotions. So maybe..just maybe it is me?? I am lucky enough to not be shoveling horse shit or cleaning toilets, so for right here, right now I will take it.
As I approach 38 I know that I have spent a lot of time looking for and searching for god. It is has been a long road, a lot of different religions, a lot of different books and here I am a firm Christian. And comfortable in my skin with this, it is a nice place to be at 38. Not sure I ever thought I would get there. As I continue to embrace it, I am hopeful that I am teaching my kids that their words, their prayers and their actions hold meaning. I pray that when we act we do it with grace, wisdom and kindness. I pray that they understand and are greateful for what they have and that just because you ask for it and don't get it - doesn't mean god wasn't listening. Sometimes the plan is bigger than you can see and you must get up everyday walk the walk, survive the perceived failures in order to get to greatness.
My son has taught me a lot about being humble, human and soft. My daughter has taught me a lot about patience and just pure joy. And together they have defintly made me a better person. So I mold them for the rest of world, I pray that I get another 38 years to be their mother, to watch them grow, fail and survive. I pray they look back on their life and smile. There have been tears, and there has been joy and laughter all around them.
I think as I approach 38 that I need new goals. I am in the process of eliminating chaos from my life - which is weird. I never realized how much I had in it until you try to start to get rid of it. At first I missed it, it was all I knew, I even craved it or found myself seeking it. And now, well, now I am good just in a space that is somewhere between lonely and content. Learning to be okay in ones own skin is a chore, hell it is a challenge...but damn when you get there, who knew!!
I am trying to make better choices about the people I let into my life and space.
As I approach 38 I know I am blessed with great family and friends! I have had my best friend since I was 5. We are total polar opposits, we are like the odd couple, but it works. She keeps me grounded, keeps me laughing and keeps me guessing! The best thing my parents ever did for me was give me siblings.... my sister is golden. And my favorite line from her, which we used drunk one night to call my brother (as we were in the taco bell drive thru) 'I love you despite your imperfections.'
Gawd we thought we were funny that night. We are total rockstarrs in our own mind. She makes me laugh, smile, cry and feel totally at home and safe in her space. Her children fill my head and heart with joy and laughter that makes me want to bottle it up and sell on the side of the street.
There are no lines between the love we have for our aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. The love is wide, thick and intoxicating. If you see it from afar you are drawn to it, like bees to honey. We are funny, we are loud, we are loving and by damn we are ROCKSTARRS. If you are welcome in to our world of nonsense than you are member for life, regardless of whether or not you stay married. So yea, Lance will be at every family function. Some people live 80 years and never feel the joy and love that I have in my minor 38.
So guess what, I'll take it! Every freakn' bit of it, and smile all the way..
As I approach 38, I know that I am not going to settle. The joy and laughter is mine, in every failure, every stride I take and every person I encounter.
I refuse to live this life without it. I refuse to allow people in my life that are dead set on taking it from me. I can tell you what I won't tolerate and that IF I ever take the leap of love again, I am NOT going to settle. Lance and I were young, we had a lot of growing up to do, and life has a funny way of moving you in different directions. I tried to pay enough attention to the life lessons from my years with him. I did not settle with him, I took a leap of faith and this journey is taking us in two different directions. Still enough respect and love to understand the joy and love it held. And respect it enough to know that it is no longer there. Whomever steps in again had better be strong, flexible and willing to deal the crazy....it is crazy, but is joyful, soulful and so full of life.
I know that despite any flaws and failures that I am going to be okay. I did not know that a year ago.
I know that I am no longer afraid of the 'unknown' and that every failure and mistake is leading me to something great!
I know that a life full of smiles and laughter should be the norm and not the every so often.
I know that you must have a warm safe place to fall when necessary, you must learn to lean into your friends and family.
I know that being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness- well this one I know in thought but am finding it difficult to put in practice. (baby steps)
I know that now I sound like a damn self help book and wanna stab myself in the eyeball...
I WONDER what I will learn by this time next year..........
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I know that fathers day has come and gone; however when I think about my dad, I find it sad that we attempt to celebrate the fact that he is a father only once a year. Growing up in our little town, my father is known to most as Mr. Bates. For a long time he was the auto-body teacher, he was a father to 3 kids and then when we were all grown up (in our own mind) and ready to move out Courtney blessed his life. His dreams of Mexico, motorcycles and beer was suddenly taken up with dirty diapers, teething and dare I say it, another freaking girl! Mr. Bates from the outside looking in, is a man of few words, somewhat intimidating, big in presence and stature. He doesn't say much, that task is left up to my mother; who has enough words of wisdom for the both of them. I always wondered what it would be like to have him as a teacher. There were kids who took his class who loved him! And if you ever wondered if he was as cool at home as he was at school, that would be a yes. He was not a warm fuzzy parent, but he was always loving and engaged. He left the warm fuzzies to my mother who could squeeze and kiss the crap out of you every moment of every day. My father is not a carebear and sunshine kinda guy, he also left that up to my mother and her wide voculabary of nonsense. My father does listen, does support and does it in a kinda way that feels genuine to the core. He has the biggest and most manly hands I've seen or had to pleasure to hug me when my life got to be too much. He was dead set on teaching us life lessons, that at the time felt like punishment. I joke all the time, that I became an accountant because I didn't want to shovel horse shit. That is really no joke! I a not above doing anything, whether it be clean the toilet, mow the lawn, wipe asses or shovel horse crap. But IF I get a choice, and apparently I do, I choose to not shovel, mow or clean toilets on a regular basis. Now the wiping butts part, well that depends on my day at work - haha! My father is a man of few words, but has a head full of stories and good times wrapped up in the brain on his. So if you are ever lucky enough to catch him on a day when he is smoking something in the smoker, drinking a beer or two and belly laughing at himself; I recommend you pull up a chair and take a moment to induldge in the nonsense. My mother will be annoyed, so you won't have to hear her chatter as my fathers glides down memory lane. He is dead set on making memories that last a life time, whether it be for his wife, his kids or his grandkids. My children will always have extremely fond memories of my father. And as they reach back into their memory bank they will also remember his smile and his laughter; most of it caused by one of his 9 grandchildren. One of their favorite places to be is a home that my father created- and a pond that has tad poles, spring water and a field that keeps them hunting for bugs and enough room to ride 4wheelers. A barn that has allowed them to have birthday parties, egg tosses, bon fires, motorcycle rides, fake tattoos, music and more laughter than you can every put a price on. the kind of laughter that makes you want to bottle it up and save it for a rainy day. The kind of memories that make you wish everyone could have a family like yours, because despite the wack-a-doodle personalities it is golden! At the core of this treasure is my father, not full of glitter and shine (that is for the ladies in his life); but tarnished and weathered looking from a life well lived and full of life lessons and love that is endless if you are willing to take it in the manner in which he gives. So dear dad, as father day comes and goes. And I know how you love a hallmark holiday - NOT! I will say this,I thank god everyday that you are my father and hope you know that your life lessons have not been lost. We are even blessed enough to have your dry sense of humor, shinning blue eyes and a smirk that makes everyone wonder what the "hell". I love you seems so small, but it is all I have. So with that..enjoy your day!
Monday, June 10, 2013
So as we contine down this path of cleft discovery. Well it is discovery for me, all paths unknown. I am sure there is a rulebook or some handbook somewhere that I seemed to have overlooked as I sorted through the self help and funny novels. Today I took both kids, 12 and 7 to for their semi-annual check up and cleaning. And of course, Ry's mouth is a freakn' disaster. A chipped tooth, a tooth that is wSorapped in with his retainer that is failing miserably. The dentist talked about crowding in the mouth, teeth missing on the top and bottom. All genetic of course. OF COURSE! How to fill the spaces, what options we have and needing to get the game plan from the ortho in order to ensure they are on the same page. Because we would hate for the dentist to pull a damn tooth that was meant to be moved via braces to fill in a gap. HELLO! The midget did great! It was her first real cleaning and sealing. On the way down there, she told me she was nervous. Then fell asleep...ha! Gosh I wish I could sleep that good. The dentist also indicated that the midget would need braces, based upon crowding. REALLY! Thanks! Teeth are not really our friends. I had braces for 4 yrs, and I had 4 teeth pulled before I got them. UGH, hated that!! Back when braces were totally painful! The metal, the glue, the rubber bands - ugh!! Luck for us, Ry has already had one set of braces, we now have a built in retainer for palatte expansion. The retainer is built in becase we lost 3 retainers. Well the dog may have eate one, but the rest toast to a 10 yr old. We had ones that would glow in the dark, they had graphics, blah, blah, blah! Bottom line nothing lasted as long as this built in retainer. Hello god sent :). All in all a pretty succesful trip. However I am reminded once again at my short comings and failurs as they pertain to Ry. There are times when I am sad beyond words. Then there are times when this darn 12 yr old makes me want to strangle him!! So much luv for this kid and the manner in which he takes everything in stride. I have so much to learn from him..