Wednesday, October 31, 2007

On the brink.....

I hate the two year old stage....I don't remember it being this damn difficult with Rylan. Mind you Rylan was a difficult child - but Pyper is beyond difficult. What to do with this CHILD. I know my mom is convinced that I 'don't have any patience's' with this child. Even the most patient person would have been pushed to their limits by now.
Pyper has two to three melt downs a day...one in the morning and possibly two in the evening. ANYTHING can set her off. Something as simple as let's put your shoes on, will set her off. And the FIT can last anywhere from 15 min to 45min. 45 minutes of a screaming child. OMG. This child screams and yells to the point that snot and drool begin draining out of her mouth. Then she proceeds to get down on the floor an bang her head. I figure the head banging is a way to let me know she is frustrated. Guess what ME Too. The last few days I have placed her in her crib during her fit. This was to save her from hurting herself. She looks like a monkey gone mad in the crib. She is all over the crib, flinging and flailing around. She holds the rail and jumps so high, I think fear she may fall out. I don't leave her....I sit on the stool next to the bed and speak to her. I tell her things such as ' it is okay to be mad' ; 'mommy loves you'; etc. Every minute or so I try to approach her to comfort her and she throws herself into the bottom of the bed, in an effort to get away. The moment i sit on the stool, she is back at the rail begging me not to leave her, and jumping around like a monkey on crack. I silently pray for patience and grace.
Once she will finally let me approach her, I scoop her up and hold her tight. I hug her close and talk gently to her. The other part of me wants to spank her for acting a fool. I don't spank her - I understand she is frustrated. So I hug her tightly and PRAY out loud.
These ordeals really send my emotions in a whirlwind. I am at a loss and feeling rather badly. Even if I sit and hold her, she gets frustrated for staying still. If I move around she gets frustrated because she is moving. WHAT TO DO? I am trying to find a way to be consistent, but I am not sure what I emotion I am fighting with her. Punishment and time out are not needed, she is having a melt-down, not being bad. I keep holding and talking to her in an effort to continue to re-assure her that things are okay. But I am not so sure things are okay. Am I missing something?
She does NOT act this way with anyone other than me. She is PO'd at me..how do I make it right, and still keep my sanity?
My options really are limited....I guess I could break down and buy a book with some suggestions. Apparently 'winging' it is not working for this child.
On top of it I have a sassy six year old. He is ALWAYS pushing his limits, talking back and not listening. I hear 'I don't like you' on a regular basis. I can tell him to get a shower and he will respond ' NO'. Guess what bubba - you don't get to tell me 'no'. I can handle 'hold on, or 'just a minute'. So last night his father spanked him. It is not normal for us to spank our children, Rylan has gotten two spankn's in his who 6 yrs - yesterday made # 2. It hurts my heart as much as it hurts Rylan's feelings.
So I have two disgruntle children, and no major plan of action. The plan is to love them, put them in bed and have a glass of wine. :)

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Believe in god?

I am at work today- briefly. My mother-in-law passed away on Sunday. This experience will haunt me for the rest of my life. There seemed to be nothing peaceful about her last moments. She was a lovely lady who did not deserve to suffer, and from an outsider looking in she appeared to suffer. Basically she dehydrated to death. The sights and sounds were awful. I so desperately wanted god to take her quickly.
A co-worker asked me today ' so, do you STILL believe in god?'
I gave her a sideways glance. 'of course I do, now more than ever.'
Her question is still with me....I am trying to occupy my time with gathering my work and tying up loose ends, but the question is there, staring me in the face. Why?
Here is why.....I still believe there is a god.
Because I can hear him(god) sing to me every time my kids breathe. Prior to going to bed, I will stand over my son, tell him good night, ask god to watch over him and listen to him breathe. I go through the same routine with my daughter. They are the reason I am here today and the reason I will continue to fight to be here tomorrow. Their little breathe calms me and keeps me safe as I sleep at night.
Secondly, when my son was born (bilateral cleft), I became much more aware. I thought I had the qualities of a 'good' person. But being good was not enough. I wanted a pity party, and I wanted to cry and give-up. And somewhere in me, I found the fight. This fight was not hard to dig up once you met my son. From the moment he arrived he taught me a life lesson, he taught me how to 'truly' be non-judgemental. If I were to pass a mother in the grocery store and see her carrying my son (prior to surgery), I would have thought she was a BAD mom. I would have thought she did drugs and tried to kill her baby. And here I am with this baby, I took the necessary precautions and he is cleft (major cleft). It took the wind out of me. He has become my hero. He doesn't wince or waver. We see doctors, dentist, therapist etc. We have surgery and procedures to correct his clefting and still his spirit remains in tact. I thought the surgery and pain would dampen his spirits. Not so. I could have 'hated' god for what he did to me and my family. Instead we embraced it. I have learned so much and will continue to do so. When you meet my son, will not meet Rylan the cleft child. You will meet Rylan DePew a young kids with green eyes and a cleft all very special aspects of who he is.
Third, Grandma Nancy even in her last days you could feel the presence of something higher surrounding her. We cried once she took her last breath. But we are comforted knowing she is in heaven, no longer suffering and surrounded with her loved ones. I don't want to get into whether or not you believe in heaven /hell etc. I believe she is in heaven and I will see her again. Hopefully later than sooner - but I also believe she will watch over us. And for that I am grateful. God placed her in my life for many reasons, and for that I am grateful.
there are so many other reasons my faith remains strong. And I am a bit surprised that it has not waivered. I am pleasantly surprised. Believe in god - hell yes.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Good to be boss?

I am beginning to question whether or not it is good to be the boss?


In many aspects it is GOOD. I am an exempt employee and I am allowed a bit more flexibility than the non-exempt employees. However, the work-load and expectations that accompany the title tend to be excessive at times.





Reasons why I would prefer to be a worker bee...


- work day is limited to normal working hours.


- I can make fun of the 'boss' in the ivory tower at the water cooler.


- most people my age are in a worker bee position.


- I would be eligible for OT.


- if there is a mistake, it is not ultimately 'mine'.


- less responsibility


- less headache


- I would not have to attend night meetings





Reasons why it is good to be the boss..


- more money.


- I can arrive late, and not have to have a reason.


- expense account.


- experience, new projects


- able to negotiate the terms of my employment. 'Family first'.


- I can attend my kids class room parties without a lot of hassle.





I have been a 'boss / director' position for just over a year. I have had many struggles and a few successes. I must admit when I took the job, I was scared to death of failure. Now a year later, I am falling into my *groove. I am more confident and making decisions that I feel really comfortable with. I continue to struggle with other directors and the executive boss. Why. Two reasons, gender and generation gap. I am at least 15 years younger than the next youngest director. The lady who works for me, has kids my age and older. My ideas and suggest at times seem radical to them, and their 'standard' way of doing things seem ancient to me. I find myself defending my actions and decisions on a daily basis.


*For example - my boss (the executive) does not know how to use a computer. He writes all of his notes on a legal pad, actually several legal pads. And he will cut and paste his ideas together to make a letter. When I say cut and paste, I am talking scissors and glue. He will hand in a letter to the secretary, and the letter has several sections of paper that have been glued together to make up the entire letter.


I have asked him ' why don't you get a laptop and write all of your thoughts on it. You can re-arrange your ideas at will.' He looked at me as if I had 3-heads.


He is totally impressed that I can maneuver around excel. Are you kidding me? I am a software junkie, I love programs and software. Prior to becoming a Dir of Finance, I was a software trainer for 4 years. I gave up software when I had my kids. Software required that I travel ALOT. Anyhoo, back to reality.





I had always heard of the good old boys club, but never actually experienced it. My boss is of the 'good o'l boys generation', and he does not take kindly to women in position, let alone strong willed women. Well guess what, I am both. Dealing with this man has been a major learning curve for me. This man has cornered, tried to strong arm me, flat out lied in meetings etc. Finally one day, he came up to my office and attempted to strong arm me once again. As usual, I continued to stand my ground. Every time I talk back, he just looks at me as if I am some yappy little dog.


But this time, I stood up, look at him and said 'if you ever come in to my office and try to bully me again, I will sue your *arse so fast your head will spin. I have been recording our conversations from day one, I will take you to the cleaners.' He was shocked. (mind you I had not been recording anything, but I do keep a small recorder in my desk for meetings) I pulled it out to show him. He was stunned.


I continued ' I know my job, I am damn good at my job, and unless you have something to say to me that pertains to my job then you can see yourself out of my office.'


You may wonder * why does he not fire me. Well, he cannot. I was appointed by a board of 6, and unless I leave it will take a majority vote to remove me. My boss is an appointed official too, he did not hire me. I am sure to this day he wishes he could fire me. Since standing up to him, he has left me alone. He even acts a bit more supportive of me.





I grew up in a town where if someone gave you their word, then it meant something. Not here. I grew up in a town where if it was worth getting in someones face about then it was worth standing up for. Not here. I grew up with a father (my boss is my father's age), who would not bully or lied. Not the case here.


So my learning curve has been steep.


I have literally found myself in the bathroom, talking to myself in the mirror prior to going into a meeting. Saying things like ' put your game face on, or you can do this' etc. (very Alley McBeal).


Then I walk out, shoulders square, game face on and tackle the meeting. Gaining the respect of my subordinates has not been easy, but my work speaks for itself. I think standing my ground has helped. I am sure they were hoping for a weak person that they could make cry. Guess what, not me. Rather than hurting my feelings it makes me try harder.


Now I keep a set of *balls in a glass jar on my desk. I pull them out when I need to.


Overall, it is Good to be the boss. I am NOT the boss in an Ivory tower. I try to be the type of boss I would like to work for. Someone who is knowledgable, fair and understanding. I can perform every aspect of work in my office. I have been the worker-bee for many years so the way the Finance office works is not foreign to me. I can data entry, post checks, print checks, account for revenue with the best of them. At the same time I must attend meetings , perform analysis, budgets, investments, debt management, benefits etc. I am not sure if I am well-rounded or crazy. Perhaps a bit of both.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

booger

What is it about boys and boogers??

On any given day you can catch my son with his finger in his nose. I use to think that he was scratching his scar ( he is cleft and has scars on both sides of his nose), but now I am convinced he is digging for gold.

Rylan sleeps in bunk-beds, he sleeps on the top bunk. The walls are green, a soft mute green, but green none the less. However the walls located next to Rylan's bed have a nice accent of crusty boogers.

*WHAT?

I go down to wake him up this morning to get ready for school, I flip the light on and gently shake him. As I shake him I scann the bed / wall, I notice these yellowish specks....upon further investigation I determine they are boogers. No one or two of them, a good handful; perhaps 9 to 10. GROSS. How could I have not seen them before?? Normally, I keep the lights off and yell from the top of the stairs for Rylan to get up. Not today, I decided to try something new.

See what happens when I change my schedule...I am attacked by boogers. GROSS.

I am one of those mom's that can change a diaper in a flash. But I hate puke, even if it is my own. I hate, snot and boogers. I can do the fast swipe and go, but will gag if it requires more than that. Blood, that is another one that will send me into a tail-spin.

So I ask him......'hey, what is this' pointing my finger next to this yellowing spot.
Rylan ' I don't know'
Me - ' they sure look like boogers. Did you do this?'
Rylan ' Nope, not me. Perhaps Pyper did it'. He proceeds to climb out of bed and begin his morning. Blame it on Pyper...she still sleeps in her crib, in the other room. Nice try buster.
I stand there thinking to myself * boys really are gross. I grab a tissue and try to pry the damn thing off the wall, it flakes off along with some paint. UGH.
So because the 6 yr old has decided to wipe & swipe his snot and boogers on my wall, I now need to repaint the downstairs. We can add that to the LONG list of things to get done.
In many ways my son is a ALOT easier than my daughter, but when dealing with the gross meter - my son / husband take the cake.
BTW - Rylan has discovered that he can squirt liquid thru the hole in the roof of his mouth (result of his cleft), so now he is the hit of the lunch table. He can squirt his milk out his nose and make it go 'really' far. OMG. Chalk another one up on the gross chart.
As a side barr * Pyper and I had a good night last night. My sanity needed things to be calm. She did sleep in my bed all night, but one struggle at a time.

I have a parent teacher conf tonight at 6pm. It is strange to actually be the parent, it feels really surreal.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The FIT continues....

I am officially changing my name to Suzie-Q. Anything other than mom. Or in my household it sounds something like Moooooom or mamamama or my favorite awa awa awa.



I was hoping for a better week this week between Pyper and myself. No such luck.

I had to leave last night around 6:30 for a night meeting, I have two night meetings a month - part of the deal with my job. Pyper knows when I get home and don't change into my sweats that something is up. She is was in true form last night. Our first 15 minutes at home were fine, then we switched into Terror mode. Nothing I did made her happy. She would stand at the fridge door and want it open, I would open it -she would cry. OMG. I would close the door - she would cry for it to be open. Once again, I would open it and stand there with her looking at the stuff. She would point aimlessly around the fridge not knowing what she wants. *actually I think she does know, she just wants me to guess. So I start pointing things out (using my *nice mommy voice) ' yogurt, oranges, beef stick, pineapple?' all of these were met by a quick head shaking NO and an endless moan. OMG. So I scoop her up, grab a sippy cup a few oranges and go sit with her. This throws her into a fit.

I figured she needed some snuggle time, that is why I went to the couch. This small notion threw her into a Major fit. I am so tired of the FIT - the one where she screams at the top of her lungs, gets down on all fours and bangs her head on the floor. This can last anywhere from 10 minutes to 45 minutes. Not only are these fits loud they are long. I have made an honest effort to keep my *mommy voice in tact, as well as smoothing her back. I have made an effort not to place her on the couch and walk away. I am REALLY trying, but once again I fear I am failing. While Pyper and I struggle, Lance cooks dinner (he loves too), and Rylan gets into the shower. The rest of my house is productive why I sit and try to console my daughter.

I have tried distraction, I have tried singing songs, breaking out the color books, etc. She wants nothing to do with any project - she just wants to remain close to me and scream. Last night she even hit me - that's right. She veered that little hand back, smacked me right across the eye and then arched back to see what my reaction was. Inside I wanted to beat the child. But the mother in me said, ignore it. So I told her little girls do not 'hit' and I smacked her little hand and continued holding her. The FIT continued. I am beginning to reach my MAX with this child. Finally, I placed her downstairs in her crib. I laid her in her crib, and went into the other room and folded laundry. I gave her 5 minutes and picked her up. Now she was mad because she did not want out of her crib. Are you kidding me???

At 6pm, I get dressed and refresh my minimal makeup and get ready to go.

I called Lance at 11pm, to tell him I was on my way home. I asked how she did - he said ' fine. she only acts that way with you. '

I respond ' I know, she is angry with me. I think she is angry with me for leaving her all day while I go to work.'
What am i suppose to do?
Any suggestions?

She is my child, I propose we are ALOT a like.....we have always had our moments. But these moments are now frequent and making me feel inadequate.

FYI - when I dropped her off today, I asked the sitter if Pyper has been having any melt-downs during the day. The sitter looked at me like I had 3-heads. she responded ' No, she is such great kids. Absolutely no issues. '

This re-enforces the idea that it is ME.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Grants Farm-Grants-a-vanylia.

Our weekend was filled with the usual emotional over-load. But in an effort to lighten the mood we packed up our little family and went to grants farm, in the evening.

My son is 6 (Rylan), and our daughter Pyper (19 mths) were a bit thrown off kilter, who leaves for Grants farm at 7:30 pm? We do. Why?

Because they have it decked out for Halloween, and it will be fun. *I am demanding that it be FUN. I must admit when we got started, I began to regret even suggesting we go. On the way there the kids fell asleep - not a good sign.

We arrive and wait in line. Which was a bit surprising, I thought we would be the only people there on a Friday night. Nope, other people had the same idea. I am sure it was the entertainment and free beer - that was our draw. (note - it is not free to park, but well worth it). So we arrive and my son is a bit nervous, he asked ' are we REALLY going to ride the train the dark?' Me- 'yeah, it will be fun'.

He was thrilled, it was totally kid appropriate.... a few spooky parts, but for the most part it was hokey (is that a word?). The train guides played a halloween tape that explained each scene we would arrive upon, the troll under the bridge had my son a bit un-nerved. Pyper on the other was thrilled to be out so late and surrounded by people.

We arrived inside the park, fed the goats. Apparently they needed night-time snack ;).

Then hoofed it to the beer garden. Ahh....kid and parent friendly. We got our adult beverages, a few pretzels, some lemonade and sat back and listened to the DJ. We all did the hokey-poky, monster mash etc. There is that happy family I have been missing. I smile across the beer garden at my husband, who is keeping up with Pyper. We briefly catch each others glance and know instantly, that we both needed this. A light-hearted evening, dancing and a drink. Our kids LOVED it. We dance for an hour or so and packed up and went home.

The only thing I would have changed.........we should have dressed up. Next time our kids will dress up, and we will whoop it up again. We are looking forward to boo-at-the zoo next.

Our weekends continue to be filled with travel and sad emotions.

Saturday we packed, and headed back down to the country. The small moment of Grants Farm keeping us inspired. We arrive in the country to see Lance's step-mom, who continues to lose her battle with cancer. She is bed-ridden and withering away right before our eyes. Sadness and exhaustion set in by the time we make it home on Sunday.

This weekend I did nothing but hold Pyper. She has been trying to tell me that she needs a little bit more of me. This weekend I took the time to give her what she needed. I held her close for the better part of this weekend, and limited the amount of times I said 'no' to her. I was thankful she kept her fit throwing to a minimum, and my sanity seemed to stay in place.

This week is a FULL week. Tonight I have a meeting. Tomorrow I will go to the pumpkin patch with Rylan, and school, on a field trip. He is really excited. Tomorrow Lance has class, so we will be making home-made pizza. Wed - nothing planned, and I hope to keep it that way. Thurs - Rylan sees the ortho, we will be discussing an extender. Thurs, I have a night meeting, and Lance has class. A babysitter will be around for 2 hours to help us get thru the day / evening. With all that we have planned this week, we still have time for play and hugs-n-snugs. We will get pumpkins to carve and begin to decorate our bushes with spider-webs.

Keeping our fingers crossed that we survive without any major blow-ups. Communication is the key this week.....plus we have vowed not to get stressed out about the little things. We will see if we can keep that vow.

Friday, October 12, 2007

The latest....

Okay so Pyper has been pretty standard this week. She bangs her head on the floor every morning about something and gets angry over at least one thing each day.

Standard. You can bet on it. She even has a brusie on her forehead from banging it.



Last night I lay in bed with Lance giggling about our kids. Why? Because for the life of me, I just cannot believe that god felt it necessary for Lance and I to reproduce. I mean we really are 'winging it'. I find it hard to dicipline my children without laughing, I find them so interesting and entertaining; plus I often find myself wondering 'how do you know that??' They know SO much. I am sure I had nothing to do with it.



So this morning Rylan is dilly-dallying along. This is typical. He is great child, but he does dilly. I tell him to get moving and he cramps down on the ground as if something hurts. I look cockeyed him and ask 'are you okay'. He looks at me with a straight face and says ' my toes hurt.' Instantly I begin to ask ' did you hurt them, stub them etc.' Each question is met with a 'no'. Finally I ask' do you want to cut them off'. His face falls and he exclaims 'no. my toes hurt, I think they are growing.'

Oh, now I get it.

sidebarr- lance and i were talking the other night about how painful my growing pains were. I had terrible growing pains in my knees and legs. Rylan was in the room when we were talking about it all.

Back to Rylan....

After he informs me that he is hurting just like I use to when I was a kid (back in the day). I let him know that my toes never hurt. So then he inquires 'what about your ears, you know my ears are growing. I think they hurt. ' I smile inside, as I look at his ears, I think they are bit big, maybe it does hurt when they grow. *I kept all comments to myself.

I asked him if he wants me to 'cut his ears off'? We are now playing games. He smiles and informs me that I can no longer look at him. He tells me to turn away, cover my eyes.

I cover my eyes and he moves his hand from his toes to his knee. Magically, his knee has started to hurt. *Imagin that.
I rub his knee ask if he wants me to cut them off too, he replies no and says I really should hid the knives. Then he skips of to brush his teeth. See how fast they heal at my house.



Apparently, Pyper had to have time out at the sitters house yesterday. Why is this news? Well, I asked Rylan 'how was your day' . He responds 'great!'. Then I proceed to ask, 'how was Pypers day?' His face frowns and he says ' not so good, she had time-out'.

I laugh out loud, the idea of Pyper sitting in one place, because someone told her too is unheard of. I begin to inquire. Apparently, our sitter put Pyper in timeout for 1 1/2 min due to the fact that she kept pushing a 10mth old boy down. Very appropriate, I too would have put her somewhere.

Rylan would have been devistated if someone would have put him in time-out, that is why he 'thinks' Pyper had a terrible day. Pyper on the other hand does not care from one second to the next. She can hate you and 2 minutes later love you. Rylan is my tender heart, and his feelings would be brusied for the entire day.
Lance and I lay in bed last night giggling at the visual of Pyper sitting in time-out. Can you even imagin, he asked. No, I respond.

I have this visual of Pyper swinging her legs, looking at her finger nails and then just getting up - because she bored.

Pyper in time-out, not in a million years.

Rylan and growing toes, what next?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Morning -

This morning warrants a post. My whole family is reeling from emotional exhaustion and constant running. We are a product of ALWAYS on the go. Even when we are home, we seem to be on the go. How. Easy. Even when I am home, I need to go a million, frillion places. Even if those places are multiple rooms within my home.


The only thing my children want from me, is a moment. A moment of holding, snuggling and loving. I 'try' to accommodate both, I am afraid I fail most times. If I am sitting on the couch loving my children, then my laundry continues to lie on the bed and will not get put away. If I sit on the couch and tickle my children, then the dishes in the dishwasher will not get put away, nor will the soap-scum ring disappear from around my tub. *Aye.


My daughter can sense the days when I really need to get moving. This was one of those days. I slept late, why because I am not sleeping well, and when I finally got to sleep, I had to get up. So I scoop up Pyper and head up stairs. I grap a cup of milk, her oranges and attempt to sit with her. I try to give her 5 to 10 minutes in the morning - of just her and I. She wants nothing to do with me. Well, at least that is what I think. My first indication was the screaming and the hitting my chest once I sat down with her. So I set her next to me, that seemed to be the end of her little world. She screams like a girl who just lost one of her new shoes. I am at a loss. It is 6:30 am and I am at a loss. My morning did not get any better. Pyper had spurts of being semi-entertained. She would eat, smile at her brother and watch a little bit of Franklin. When she felt like it she would make her way to my room, stand in the door way and scream at me.


* I get it, you are mad. You are prob tired of running around like a chicken. Me too.


I try to get up to hold her, she screams at me. She then resorts to throwing herself down on all fours and banging her head on the tile floor. Each bang sounds like a dull *thud and is followed by a meek ow. She looks at me and says "ow" and continues to bang her head once again.


When did children determine that self abuse was a productive way to inflict guilt?


I am at a loss. I go towards her, she runs away. I ignore her, she runs towards me, and just about the time she reaches me she throws herself on the floor again.


Mind you this whole time my 6 yr old son, is content watching TV and getting ready for school.





Last night we had a very similar incident with Pyper. I say 'we' because my husband got a good dose of it as well.


I sit on the couch with my son and he begins to read his new library book. Pyper comes running around the corner and sees us. She acts as if she wants on the couch, but really she just wants between us and then wants to take the book. I tell her 'no'. This produces a FIT. She throws herself on the floor and starts screaming. Lance rounds the corner to see what I have done.


What have I done?? I have ignored her.


Rylan and I continue reading the book, ignoring her. We read louder, and don't look at her. She is pissed. She starts trying to take the book, throw pillows etc. Lance giggles from the hallway. I continue to ignore her. * UGH.



Is this really the product of a girl turning 2 or is she trying to tell me something?

She does not act like this with anyone else, but ME. She does not act like this with the sitter, my husband, my mother etc. Just me. She saves all of the drama up for me.

Listen, little miss. There is only room for one drama queen in our house, I have priority. I fear our learning curve will be more like a steep mountain. I pray this is a stage and not some emotional scar I have created for a lifetime. You know, one where she will blame me later for the fact that I just didn't get it.

If I don't get it, it is not due to lack of trying. I am trying, perhaps I am trying too hard?

I have a bit of a situation that I don't know how to address.
What to pray for? I have tried patience, not working. I have tried *ignoring - not working. I pray for a new approach, for a new indication of how to comfort her. Could we bond over ice-cream? Ben & Jerry could be her next new word.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Candy?

This weekend was spent in usual fashion, we packed up and went to the country to see family. Friday night, I drop off my kids at my mom's house and decided to go dinner at a local restaurant. When we arrive, I 'think' I see my grandmother's car...so I peer thru the window, and there she sits with Charlie. We are headed to the patio, but I stop off inside to say hello.

Brief hello's were exchanged, they were eating. I head out side and begin to order. Lance's brother and sister-in-law joined us. Dinner arrives, no big deal. We eat...then the conversation between lance and his brother becomes more than I can take. Every one keeps asking about all of the 'what if's' and 'what do you think is going to happen' ....ugh.

So I grab my glass of wine and go back inside to see my grandma, I figure she would be having a 'lighter' time. Immediately I am stalked by a few men in the bar. Apparently they have never seen a girl in a dress before. Or perhaps they had a bit of beer goggles and liquid courage. They all want to say hello. My grandmother introduces me as her 'daughter' -ha. This guy (clearly drunk) keeps eyeing me. (Mind you a local girl is right by his side, and if she was a dog she would have been pissing on him). Marking her territory. Newsflash - not interested. The local girl continues to try to get his attention, but he keeps giving me the 'come hither look'. SHOOT ME NOW. He shakes my hand 3 times, I purposefully give him my wedding ring hand - he ignores it. He asked me 'what's your name?' I respond - Candy.

My grandmother about spits her drink out. She continues to listen.

Drunk guy ' what do you do?' Before I could even get a word out my grandmother blurts ' she OWNS St. Louis'. I shoot her the WHAT look. Now we have peeked drunk guys interest. He is from St. Louis (of course he is). Come to find out he is from Arnold. Guess what Hoosier - that is NOT St. Louis. Drunk guy informs me that his dad is IMPORTANT, so now he really wants to know what I do. My grandmother informs him that I drive limos. I laugh. This is getting better. I turn to drunk and state - ' Yes, my name is Candy and I drive limos. Would you like my number? I give it out like candy. ' Get it.

The local girl who keeps close to the drunk guy, giggles. The drunk guy is getting tired of the game, he really wants to get close to me so he can find out what my name is and what I 'really' do.

Some other guys comments about my boots. I am wearing brown knee high boots and a dress. He asked me about my 'hooker' boots. I informed him, that I grew up in the country and these boots clearly are designed to fit in anyones *arse who deserves it. Not hooker boots. You want to find a hooker go to the east side.

Aye, I am annoyed. Mind you, I am not gods gift to men. But these men have been brought in from out of town to work on a big project. They are road hores, and they feel any one and anything is fair game. Besides they are just passing thru. So if you run into Candy at the bar her number is 800.eat.shit. good day.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

working thru it all

We continue to receive 'sad' news regarding Nancy, she is failing. It will be rather timely, I fear. So today during lunch I went to get Rylan some funeral appropriate clothes. I walked around the store, during my lunch hour, in a daze. I don't want to shop for an occasion like this. I don't want to buy dress clothes for my 6 yr old son, so he can sit in a parlor surrounded by sadness. I am afraid he will not understand.

Plus, I feel G. ma Nancy would have rather enjoyed seeing Rylan all dressed up, he will be so handsome. It sure beats the last time she saw him (this past weekend), he was covered from head to two in DIRT. He spent ALL weekend playing in her front yard. He was so dirty, when you lifed his head you could see a ring a dirt on his neck, crusted between the wrinkles. Grandma Nancy, smiled when she saw the dirt. It ment he was enjoying himself at her home, and she loved that. She loved how everyone in her family would come by and stay awhile. She created an inviting home. She loved the laughter, gossip, and chatter that occured when she had a houseful. The girls would sit around the kitchen table, clucking like hens, while the men sat on the porch talking about man stuff. And kids would constantly run in and out keeping everyone informed on the dynamics going on outside. I clearly remember one of the kids telling us that they had found turtles and they were ' hugging ' each other. Grandma smiled and half giggled. Once the kids left the room she said ' those damn turtles are the horniest creatures I have ever seen. You can catch them doing it all times of the day. ' That sent the table of ladies roaring with laughter. Grandma continued to inform us that, Grandpa feeds the turtles, that is why they stick around. I could not get over grandma saying 'doing it' -ha!

She is witty, warm-hearted and lovely. We will miss her so much. I fear Grandpa will die of a broken-heart, his will to live dies more and more each day. I pray that they both find peace, and pass without pain. My little family will never be the same. Our family holidays will never be the same. As time ticks on our lives continue to change, and for that we are both thankful and saddended. I married Lance 7 yrs ago, and my life has never been the same. I had Rylan and then Pyper and my life has never been the same. All in perspective.....

I will hug my kids alittle longer today, and as I pass my husband in the hallway, I will stop and get a hug, perhaps share a soft kiss. I will take the time to be thankful and remember the lessons learned from Grandma Nancy.

Several lessons come to mind -

Work hard, live well and laugh often.

Love your family as if you might not see them again.

Don't forget the little things, sometimes they matter the most.

It is okay to cry.

It is okay to be mad, but cannot be 'ugly'.

Grandma, may you pass knowing your were loved by many. As your body gives out on you, your memory will live on. My family will always treasure the time we spent together. We pray that as you make your way to heaven, you look down on us and smile. Keep us safe and healthy.

I know you must go, but I am not ready to say good-bye. As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I realize there is still so much I wanted to share with you. My kids will continue to grow, and I wanted you to see them as adults. Please don't blame me for being a bit-selfish.

When you get your wings I expect you to fly.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Light at the end of the tunnel....

I fear that the light at the end of the tunnel is not Nirvana - it is a Mack truck waiting to hit me. I keep hoping for peace and quite, and all I keep getting is chaos.
This week we switched babysitters, this is day two. I have been waiting the extra 1/2 hour in the morning to see Rylan actually get on the bus. Then I have been leaving work 1 1/2 early to see Rylan get off the bus. I am trying to make him more comfortable with this new environment. But perhaps my efforts are actual re-enforcing that fact that he should be fearful. I am torn. I 'think' I am doing well, but perhaps I am hoovering? I have decided that tomorrow I will drop him off at normal time, and leave rather promptly. This will allow or force him to interact with the new environment. He is my 'tender' child, and he wears his emotions on his sleeve. You can very clearly see he is out of sorts. He does not deal with change well, he likes to keep things simple and predictable. Pyper on the other hand has made the change just fine. When we left yesterday she gave everyone 'kisses' and high-5's.
Today, right before we left, Rylan suddenly felt sick...he throat hurt. *I know this trick. I told him to get packed up and let's go. Pyper on the other hand, once she hear the word go, she was at the door waiting for it to open. Once we arrived at the sitters, the sitter greeted us and Rylan shyly responded, while Pyper instantly began playing with the toys. I am half angry at Lance for not carrying some of this emotional load. Case-n-point - Sunday night Rylan cried himself to sleep, he was SO nervous about this change. He was afraid he would not know which bus to ride. We talked it all thru and when we parted, I asked him to think about something else -such as 'what are you going to be for Halloween?'. As I crept up the stairs I could hear him whimper, his fears had not subsided. I pray for peace for his little soul. Perhaps cake and ice-cream will cheer him up ;).
Work is busy, I am in crunch time with issuing my preliminary budget. I am slightly stressed. Lance has class tonight so it is up to me to cook dinner and keep things in order. * what was god thinking? Cooking is not my strong spot, actually it is a weakness, essentially - I suck. I am trying to engage the kids, while I tool around the kitchen, so we opt for meals such as pig-n-a-blanket, mac-n-cheese and home-made pizza. I am dealing with a short list...and since I have to 'find' dinner twice a week, I am struggling. Perhaps I should just put my pointer finger to good use and order take-out.
We are gearing up for Halloween, I think Rylan is going to be a Vampire and Pyper is going to be Snow White (she will be a lady bug if it is cold). Perhaps we should actually get our halloween box down from the attic....that would be a good start. Rylan asked Lance what he was going to be last night. Lance said ' I don't know'.. Rylan states ' You could be beer can'. I laughed. I am not sure if that is my son being observant or funny (perhaps both).
Note to the laundry fair - you are FIRED. I am calling Jose to fix my dryer and NOW my washer. Why, because the laundry GODS hate me. As of yesterday my washer started leaking. Perhaps we could just burn all of clothes and buy uniforms - plastic, so all I have to do is wipe them down. Praying for the madness to stop. Later.

Kids

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