Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Believe in god?

I am at work today- briefly. My mother-in-law passed away on Sunday. This experience will haunt me for the rest of my life. There seemed to be nothing peaceful about her last moments. She was a lovely lady who did not deserve to suffer, and from an outsider looking in she appeared to suffer. Basically she dehydrated to death. The sights and sounds were awful. I so desperately wanted god to take her quickly.
A co-worker asked me today ' so, do you STILL believe in god?'
I gave her a sideways glance. 'of course I do, now more than ever.'
Her question is still with me....I am trying to occupy my time with gathering my work and tying up loose ends, but the question is there, staring me in the face. Why?
Here is why.....I still believe there is a god.
Because I can hear him(god) sing to me every time my kids breathe. Prior to going to bed, I will stand over my son, tell him good night, ask god to watch over him and listen to him breathe. I go through the same routine with my daughter. They are the reason I am here today and the reason I will continue to fight to be here tomorrow. Their little breathe calms me and keeps me safe as I sleep at night.
Secondly, when my son was born (bilateral cleft), I became much more aware. I thought I had the qualities of a 'good' person. But being good was not enough. I wanted a pity party, and I wanted to cry and give-up. And somewhere in me, I found the fight. This fight was not hard to dig up once you met my son. From the moment he arrived he taught me a life lesson, he taught me how to 'truly' be non-judgemental. If I were to pass a mother in the grocery store and see her carrying my son (prior to surgery), I would have thought she was a BAD mom. I would have thought she did drugs and tried to kill her baby. And here I am with this baby, I took the necessary precautions and he is cleft (major cleft). It took the wind out of me. He has become my hero. He doesn't wince or waver. We see doctors, dentist, therapist etc. We have surgery and procedures to correct his clefting and still his spirit remains in tact. I thought the surgery and pain would dampen his spirits. Not so. I could have 'hated' god for what he did to me and my family. Instead we embraced it. I have learned so much and will continue to do so. When you meet my son, will not meet Rylan the cleft child. You will meet Rylan DePew a young kids with green eyes and a cleft all very special aspects of who he is.
Third, Grandma Nancy even in her last days you could feel the presence of something higher surrounding her. We cried once she took her last breath. But we are comforted knowing she is in heaven, no longer suffering and surrounded with her loved ones. I don't want to get into whether or not you believe in heaven /hell etc. I believe she is in heaven and I will see her again. Hopefully later than sooner - but I also believe she will watch over us. And for that I am grateful. God placed her in my life for many reasons, and for that I am grateful.
there are so many other reasons my faith remains strong. And I am a bit surprised that it has not waivered. I am pleasantly surprised. Believe in god - hell yes.

1 comment:

Michaelle said...

Sorry for your loss. God Bless. Michaelle (monkeysmomma)


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