Monday, March 31, 2008

unlikely support:

This weekend is hopefully the end of my CRAZY weekends for a while.
Lance left Friday afternoon to go to the country to go on a 4-wheeler ride. He was gone Friday - Sunday. He arrived Sunday afternoon, just in time to attend Rylan's birthday party. He was there, but barely functional.
Saturday night I kept my sisters kids, and had the neighbor kid over to watch movies. So, I had 7 kids and no hubby. It turned out to be 'fine', but an extra set of hands does help at times.
They kids are all great, but they range in ages from 8 - 2. My sister's youngest, loves my son and husband - he could care less about me. We had a moment on the potty, but other than that we were fine.
Saturday night while winding down, I got a phone call from my brother (he lives in AR). Him and I were really close growing up. We have grown apart over the last couple of years. Between having families and finding ourselves, our lives have gone in different directions and we have not communicated well. That is beginning to change. We are finding ourselves bonding over our youngest sister. Our combined concern for her, now has us talking more frequently. The bottom line, it was nice to speak with someone else who really gets her, who not only finds her lastest actions surprising, but is willing not to place alot of judgment upon her. We are just left wondering 'what the hell is going on?'
My brother's wife said to me ' Michelle, not that you should take this the wrong way. But, I really expected this sort of action out of you or even your brother.' I had to laugh. I am not insulted, I take the comment in stride, because it is laced with truth. A year ago my sister was making crossed-eyes and shooting the you are evil glare at me- for wanting a night out, and wanting to be without my kids for a day or two.
I on the other hand, I have been labeled the 'wild child' for a number of years. I did not marry early in their eyes, I spent alot of time in the bar - mind you I was a waitress. I spent alot of time going out, watching bands, drinking, and seeing things. On top of it all I really enjoyed myself. My pre-kids life was made up of school, work and going out. My adjustment from being single to having kids was a bit hard on me. I liked my life, pre-kids. I have learned to actually love my life now. I am beginning to find out that it is okay (an necessary) for me to take that much needed me time, and not feel guilty about it.

Now that my sister has experienced 'a good time' for the first time in her life, she is beginning to take it to the extreme. She married young, at 18, and had her first kid at 21. By 27 she had 4 kids. Her life choices were not random. She wanted to get married at 18 and wanted kids desperately. She never really liked going out, never really understood what all the hub-bub was about. She was Suzie-homemaker, and damn good at it.
*Then she went to see a band just over a year-a-half ago and has not stopped since. While out she had drink or two and left caution in the wind. I suspect she likes the way she feels when she is drinking, I suspect she feels a sense of relief. I suspect she needs the time out. It has to be nice for those moments to not have to be a mom, sister and or wife. (I. Get. It.) But the flip side to this is that most of the time she cannot walk out of the bar, she cannot find her money, she is subject to random strangers and then still has to get home. This is a normal night for her....drinks, shots, random conversations and no wedding ring. Did I mention that she does wear her ring. (that really hits home with me). She does not want to surround herself with friends and/or family these days because she does not want to have to talk about it. Plus, she does not want to be subject to the judgement and critical bullsh*t that comes with our family. We tend to be intense at times.

My brother states that he cannot get her to return his phone call. Imagine that. He says that he too has heard about her nights out from our cousin and his sister-in-law. Him and i spent alot of time talking about her and how worried we are. Our biggest mistake will be placing judgement on her, and we know that. We recognize that him and I are the last people on earth that should be placing judgement. But we really wish she was reaching out to us.......
How do we reach out her without her shutting down? What will it take to open her eyes?

Last time i spoke to her, a few weeks ago.....I tried to broach the subject the best I could. She asked me ' how come, no one is saying anything to my husband. How come he gets to come and go as he pleases and no one is after him?' My response ' I think your husband is also out of control. I think he too needs someone to tell him to get his head of his arse*. But, you are my sister. And refuse to sit back and watch this train-wreck in the making. I will gladly have the same conversation with him too.'

I have a husband that has a rap sheet 2 pages long. Among that rap sheet are several drinking and driving incidents. He now drives his truck with a Breathalyzer thing in it. His license has been suspended for 10 years, he drives on a hard-ship. This contraception has saved his life and god knows who else. This contraception has saved our marriage and our kids. His 10 year service is up next year. He was young, dumb and stupid. Not some thing he is proud of, but a lesson learned. We are lucky he never hurt anyone.

I cannot safely say my sister will be so lucky................................

She weighs heavily on my mind, and I keep hoping that the weekend phone call is not from the police with a report regarding her.
I hope my brother comes home soon, so we can all get together. I think we really need each other right now.
I never thought I would be saying I hope my brother comes home soon; I figured we had really grown too far apart. Clearly, that is not the case - and for that I am greatful.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Opening doors..

With each stage of childhood our house goes through some learning curve. As they learned to crawl, we had to search the floor for small items. Remove the items before they scooted over there and put the hazardous item in their mouth. Then they started to toddle and/or walk, everything that would have been placed at a comfortable level now had to be moved up and out of reach. Items such as remote controls, DVD players, cups, glasses, beer cans, candles etc.
Some of these items were moved up after we found out they were hazard.
Like when Rylan found the remote control on the coffee table pressed every damn button and suddenly I had to watch TV in Spanish for a weekend because I couldn't figure out how change it back. Lance was on the road and I had to wait for him to return to fix it.
Or when Pyper tried to step on the DVD disc holder when it popped out.....we had the DVD player on the bottom of the entertainment center (dumb). Hence our learning curve.
All lesson's learned.
We have installed those handy cabinet things that keep her from opening the cabinets that hold our cleaners etc. (we are patting our selves on the back...good job. go team parents).
Next to these plastic items are several other gadgets to proof your home. We ignored most of them, wondering why people would need a plastic door knob??
Well, now we know.
The bathroom in our house is a gathering place for my kids. Rylan will go potty, which makes Pyper feel as if she needs to join him. He sits on the big potty and she sits on her trainer. They both get books and so the games begin. I never get to go to the bathroom alone - unless Pyper is gone, asleep or outside. When I am in there, she tries to help me wipe, takes all of the paper off the role, wants to sit on my lap etc. It is just part of my life, but I always close the door.

We learned last night that she can reach the door knobs, and Lance was the first to experience her grand entrance.

Last night after Lance gets up to go to the bathroom, I begin cleaning the table. Pyper is wandering into the living room. Lance closes the door behind him and I assume begins to take care of business. I hear the bathroom door open and Pyper states 'what?'.
Lance response ' Pyper, daddy is using the potty. out.'
Mind you I can hear him peeing.....then I hear ' Get out. no don't TOUCH it. MICHELLE.'
Pyper is squealing with joy. She likes to see her dad get dramatic. She apparently was trying to touch the stream of pee, then wanted to move on to his boy parts. He was traumatized, and could not get it all put away fast enough. I scoot around the corner to get her out of the bathroom and let him attempt to get his composure.
He is distraught, out of sorts and clearly tramatized. Pyper on the other hand is rather pleased with herself and thinks it was funny that daddy was so loud.

While laying in bed last night, I was giggling about the incident (which he does not find funny). And I state ' now I know why they made those plastic door things. go figure.'
Ten to one says, when I get home tonight we will have stock pile of door things. He won't take anymore chances.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Seven Sneaks Up....

I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant with him.....I thought my world was crashing down all around me. Lance & I were living together (living in sin), enjoying the fact that both of us had full-time jobs and traveled alot. We would spend our weekends, partying, going on dates and hanging out. We were careless, carefree and selfish. I liked to go out, sleeping in, traveling - did i mention how much I liked my sleep (ha!).

I was crabby, moody, and gaining weight - I figured I was eating out too much. Lance said one day, 'when was your last period?' Me 'I don't know...' I was rather flip, I was on the pill for gosh sakes. We waited a couple of more days, still no period. Lance suggested we at least take a test. Fine. I got to Walgreen's grab a generic test. Who wants to pay $15.00 for a test that is negative? Not me. I go home, pee on the stick and immediately I have two lines. I feel sick. I refuse the leave the bathroom. I pee on the second stick, convinced the first one is a mistake! Oh, no the second stick also has two lines immed - damn. I walk out the bathroom, without any pants on, holding two sticks, crying. What have I gotten myself into? I loved Lance, I knew I was suppose to marry him. BUT. Not like this. My world was falling apart (so I thought).

Lance, sitting on the edge of the bed. Knew, he just knew. He knew all along. He was so excited. He states 'well, I guess we should get married'. The rest is history. 3 weeks later we were married and winging it. We were 12 weeks preg when I peed on the stick.

*I would have gone to Walgreen's, peed in the floor and began dipping sticks to find just one negative test.

Rylan is my blessing in disguise. He is my hero, my learning curve and at this stage my easy child. He reminds me of Lion Heart (the carebear), he is big in stature - but has a heart of gold. I was worried for him being cleft, but he has taken it all in stride.

For the first 5 years of his life, he was the center of our world. He was 'it', he was given all of our undivided attention, money, time and love. Two years ago he became a big brother. He fell into this roll like a champ. He was meant to be a big brother. We thank god he was born first, he has the patience necessary to care for and put up with his sister.

To this day, I have no idea how he learned to pee standing up. His dad traveled alot when he was younger, and potty training. But in true boy form, he figured it out. Now if I could only get someone to teach him how to aim. ;)

He loves being outside. He loves baseball, soccer and football. He seems to be a real athlete. Which is strange, neither Lance or myself are really very athletic. Rylan runs like a deer, he has great stride and can run like the wind. He is tall, lean and lanky at times. He is growing faster than I can keep up, pants from two months ago are now high-waters.

He loves dirt, four-wheelers, monster trucks and Mustangs. He wants desperately for his dad to think he is 'cool' at all times. This year he learned to ride a bike, and is now trying to do wheelies.

He is branching out for his own independence, and as much as I had hoped for it when he was younger. I am saddened to see him pull-away. He doesn't want to kiss / hug in public. He does not mind at bedtime - but that is IT. He wants to dress a certain way, wear his hair a certain way and does not understand why he has to change his clothes everyday. ha!

He is a great student, he has made 100% on every single one of his spelling test. I hope he continues to like school. He is our chatter box at the dinner table. We are usual left sitting there waiting for him to finish, because he spent so much time talking during dinner. As he gets older, I will know to be really concerned about him IF he stops talking to us.

He has major interest in music, video games and the computer. We will be challenged as parents to remain engaged in his life. He is likely to leave us in the dust if we are not careful.
He is alot like his dad, he is interesting without being shocking. Let me explain....he will push his limits - already a mo-hawk. But for some reason, he blends in really well. He does not wear a mo-hawk to be shocking, he wears it because he likes it. He likes to fall into that 'semi alternative' category. He likes shocking and eccentric people, but fits in well with just about anyone. He has a softness about him that is warm and welcoming. I imagine him in a mo-hawk helping little old women across the road.
He has a smile that will melt your heart, he has compassion that surprised even me. He is competitive like his dad, and HATES to lose. But will give you the shirt off his back, if he thought it would make your day a little brighter.

Even at 7, I find myself learning from him just about everyday. He told me the other day, when I was apologizing for forgetting his hockey puck for show & tell ' mom, sometimes sorry doesn't make it better.' He stopped me dead in my tracks. how true.

I hugged him and said' that is the best I can do, today.' He shrugged in agreement. He captures my heart everyday with is compassion, thoughts and random silliness. Thank you for coming along and rocking our home with your keen sense of selflessness. You may be a big brother, but you will always be my baby. Hugs-n-snugs.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Okay so this month has been CRAZY in our house hold.

March 09 was Pyper's Birthday, then we had St. Patricks day (which we had to get candy and gold coins), then Easter, next is Rylan Birthday (this Sunday).

Last Thursday in a frantic mode I called BounceU and rented a room for Rylan. He finally decided to go to BounceU rather than go bowling. They are actually open on Sunday, which is his actual birthday, so I booked it for Sunday. Great! They were suppose to send me a packet of info, this packet would include cake choices, invitations etc. It is Wed, and I am STILL waiting on the packet. Last night on the way home I stopped by dollar tree and picked up some invitations. Rylan needs to hand some of them out today while he is at school.
I am sitting down last night filling out the invitations, half angry because the damn packet has still not arrived. humf.
Rylan hands out one of the invitations this morning at the babysitters and I hear 'March 09? Why does this say March 09?'
I look back rather flip and say 'because his party is March 09.'
Rylan looks horrified ' No. Mom, my birthday is March 30th - duh.'
Then it hits me - damn, March 09th is Pyper's Birthday. I filled out ALL of the invitations WRONG. On top of that I totally deflated Rylan. Could it get any worse. Yeap!
I open all of the invitations, and scribble out the 09 and put in the 30th - now they look like my daughter made them. I try to stuff them back into a re-opened, crumbled up envelop. Classic.
Rylan doesn't seem to mind too much, he just wants to hand them out today.
I get in my car, start heading to work take a turn and then it happens. My damn purse tips over and spills into my floor board - ugh!!! change, gloss, receipts, keys, a princess crown (who knows?), socks, money. All of this before 8am.
I am going to hole up in my office today for fear I have screw-up written all over my face today.

Request: Any tips on how to get a 2 yr old (sassy) girl dressed in the morning? She is at a stage now where she does not want to get dressed. At the babysitters she is taking her clothes off. A nudist in the making.

Now that it is Spring, it is time for Rylan to get his mo-hawk. He is keeping me to my promise. I told him he had to grow hair for winter - to keep his head warm. Now that spring has sprung it is mo-hawk time. He will be sporting a new hair-do this afternoon. I will post photo's with his happy birthday message - by Friday. I was worried about him not fitting in due to his clefting, clearly his cleft is the least of my worries. He asked me 'at what age can I get an earring?'
You know, I knew this would happen - I just expected it a bit later. I told him he had to wait until he was 10....that seemed to table the discussion for now.

Ever heard of the band Clutch...prob not. Well, they are my son/daughters favorite band at the moment. I will see if can link something up off of youtube....let's just say it is Hard Rock. Influenced by dear hubby. He says ' it is cool Michelle, they are a christian rock bank'. um.
That may or may not be true, but you can hear it blarring out of Rylan's room in the morning, all the while Pyper is in there head banging. ha!
Signing off for now.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Travels.....long ago

Okay, so I am a bit ashamed to admit it, but I watch the Hills. Once everyone goes to be in my house (around 8:30 / 9 O'clock), I stay up and start looking for trash TV. Anything from the girls next door / the hills / fatherhood (snoop-dog) / etc.
I lay on the couch, and take an hour or two and just sit there living the reality of someone else. It is fun. Last night was the premier of the Hills, they are entering a new season, and they were in Paris. Ahh! This is the real reason for my post.

During my Senior year in college I did a study abroad program, I signed up to stay in Austria (Vienna) for 16 weeks. I left New Years Day and came back in April 1997.
I have always known that I am suppose to live somewhere else. I have always known that I am suppose to travel - those dreams will have to wait until the kids are older, but they are still there. So there I was 18 years old, home-grown / corn feed setting foot on a 12 hour plan ride half way around the world getting ready to 'wing' it.
My mother was terrified, and wished I wouldn't go. I was scared, but knew I had to go. It was the trip of a lifetime. I took out several student loans to make this work, and I would do it a 100 times over. I traveled with another girl-friend from college, we stayed in a 5 bedroom flat with 12 other students. I had roommates from Croatia, Hungry, Russia, and the states. I bought a euro-rail pass and only took classes M-W; so I could travel R-Sunday.

Paris was on the list of places to visit. I remember stepping off the train, in the middle of the night and arriving in Paris. It felt like home, it warmed my heart to be there. The air was crisp, a light wind blew, the streets were busy with people walking, talking and the shops were open.
We looked like travelers, we had our coats on, back-packs, and a map. I spent most of my travels turned around, and just winging it. To this day, I cannot read a map - it sure was not any better back then. We had a number of a lady who allowed students to stay with her. She walked to get us, and we were on our way. It was around 8pm, and I was determined to see the Eiffel Tower. We dropped off our packs, got directions and were on our way. We made our way to the tower, screeching with delight. I made it, I had actually made it. We took a moment, laid down under the tower to take in the moment.

We spent three days traveling Paris and other parts of France. The Eiffel Tower as well as the Louvre Museum home to Da Vinci's Mona Lisa painting, the Champs-Elysees, Arc De Triomphe and the Palace of Versailles. We experienced the night life, ate in cafes, lived off of bread and nutella.
So, last night I watched Lauren from the Hills tool around Paris, and sat there thinking - 'I was there, and there, and I saw that too'. Gosh that was a life time ago, but still seems like yesterday. A few of my favorite places, Amsterdam, Budapest,Prague, Malagla-Spain. Europe has my heart........perhaps I will make my way once again.

Learning how to travel in places where you don't speak the language, cannot read the signs and can barely communicate is not highly recommended - but it does make for a good story.

The men in Italy were aggressive and abrupt - the women were beautiful and the sense of family was overwhelming. I stayed with people I didn't know, got in cabs going no-where, rode trains all night long, attempted to sleep in stations, laid bare breast on a beach (we had to fit in), and gained 20lbs. ha!

I met a man from S. Africa one afternoon while I was standing at a bus stop. He approached me, speaking English. He inquired if I knew English' yeah, I stated'. He was 40 plus, and on business. We had coffee (why? - I don't know), then he invited me to dinner. I accepted (for real, it was a free meal). Looking back now, it prob is really creepy, but then to me it was just company. This man told me, it was a shame I was so young visiting Europe - because I truly wouldn't understand the experience. He said I needed to be older to really appreciate it all. Perhaps he was right in some sense.
However, had I been older and a bit wiser, I am sure I would not have experienced half of what I did. Fear and /or common sense would have set in.
I wonder what I will do when Pyper decides she wants to travel at 18? Perhaps, I will just join her.......

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Absent Lately

I have been absent lately - for several reasons.
I am still wading thru a series of emotions, and finding myself more and more comfortable with each passing day. I have tried to avoid posting, becuase even I am tried of listening to myself sound so damn down.
Secondly, I am hesitant to reveal the dynamics between myself and my sister as of recent. I created the blog in an effort to get things off my chest, and keep a timeline that hopefully my kids might enjoy someday.
I know that I have several friends and family memebers that pop by every once and a while and I don't want to fuel the situation regarding my sister. Therefore I have avoided posting about it. Part of me REALLY wants to tell everyone, but then again I have to be sensitive to her and the entire situation. That being said, this is what I will tell you.
Last Saturday we had a situation, and it resulted in words. Actually, I said words (angry words), while she sat there acting flip, sassy and semi-listening. Towards the end, I think she got it....and I left her house stating, "I love you, and I would hope that if you saw me in the manner in which I see you that you would let me know." I don't want to judge her, and I don't want anyone else to judge her - but I could no longer pussy-foot around the situation. I called her on the carpet, laid it all out. I realize that we will have to put some distance between us in order for us to make our way back to each other. In the mean time, I miss her dearly. I saw her this morning, she is keeping my kids today, and we were polite. Sort of like semi-friends. It was a strange feeling, and I know it is a result of the words we had last Saturday. So here is my request. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I get where she is coming from, I understand her needs, I just want her to think more carefully about her actions.

Things are beginning to settle down at work - I have gotten thru the health crisis, the audit and now the census. It feels good to get these things off my desk. They would have been alot easier to deal with had it not all been due in the same week. The same week we finalized our health plan, I had our auditors on site. Whew, I barely remembered what day it was.

The kids are good - Rylan has been on spring break all week. I am mad that we did not do anything with him. We had planned to take a few days off, get a room and swim in a pool with our kids - spend some family time away from everything. Lance was suppose to look into it all during his day off last week. I got home and informs me he did not look into anything, he didn't really feel like it. DAMN him.
We are both taking tomorrow off and we will spend it with our children doing something fun (I demand it). We are also heading to the country to check on his dad - the area south has been flooded, and we need to check on him. Plus we want to see him for Easter.
We are planning on coming back Sat early evening to have a night egg hunt at my sisters with all the kids - my aunts, uncles, cousins and kids. It should be fun....but I still wish we would have went away with just our kids.
I am still taking the little blue pill - each day is getting easier, and I am coming to grips with it - one day at a time.
I cannot wait for spring, I could do with out the rain, but welcome the spring.

Pyper is doing well. She is learning her ABC's, and still not sleeping in her own bed.
Rylan is getting big and turns 7 next weekend - 7 yrs old. WOW

Friday, March 14, 2008

Home again..

So last weekend we packed up and headed to the country, we were having Pyper's birthday in Ironton. I packed up our car and then picked up two of my sisters kids and we headed to my parents house. I find such comfort in going home, and staying in the house I grew up in.

In an essence it still feels like home, it is warm, welcoming and kid friendly. I feel as if I can unwind when I arrive, let my guard down.

We get in around 8pm, unload and gather around the kitchen table. I grab a bottle of wine, the guys grab beers and we sit to catch up while the kids run around and play. Everyone is glad to be in this house.

My parents are a great source of comfort for me. We start with small talk, 'how are things going, how is work etc'. Apparently my parents barn had fallen down due to the recent snow, the weight of the snow was too much for the old barn to bear. So now my parents are in the process of having a new one built. Normally this would be a fairly easy process, but nothing is easy when it involves my mom.

My mom looks at me with such excitement and says ' do you know what I have asked your father to do to the outside of the barn, the side that I can see when I look out the kitchen window.' I start thinking, and put my mother in perspective and realize that whatever it is has to be a bit off the wall and i reply 'it has to involve the 9 grandchildren, do you want him to paint a picture?' She is about to burst at the seams, 'no, but close' she manages to get out.
She is sitting next to my dad, who at this time is rolling his eyes.

I am giggling to myself - it sure is nice to be home.
She says ' I have asked your father to outline each one of the kids. You know line them up and spray paint their out line, I would like them to be holding hands. How cute would that be?'

I laugh out loud - I have visions of having to wrap my children in plastic so my father can outline them, then I have visions of them chocking on the paint. This vision of hers has disaster written all over it.

My father is an auto body man, he has catered to my mothers whims and this will be another opportunity to do so. For instance, while I was in high school my father got a 1965 convertible-Cadillac and painted pink for my mother (not mary kay pink). He mixed up his own pink color, and brought it home for her. She loved it, and so did my brother at the time. We rode around in a small town in a pink Cadillac. You can imagine how we stuck out. We had to remain a tight knit family, because we never really fit in. My mother has never cared what any thought about her, her fashion sense always pushed the small town limit. Although me and my sister always found her to be really fashionable, the local town folk, frowned at her attire and attitude towards raising her children. She always had a new hair color and a new hair cut. This was my life growing up. We always had cars and clothes that made us stick out a bit. We never had anything, new - we loved the resale shops and found cheap clothes we could make trendy.
At 50 my mother got a boob-job, from the time I was little she talked about how small her boobs were, her dream was to have 'big' boobs. So at 50 she got them. Even now, she is hip, trendy and eccentric. I love her for that - but have to admit there are times when even she is off the wall.

My father will have to do something to the barn to make it special for her, who knows what it will be. It will have to involve her 9 grandchilden who she loves dearly.
My parents are avid Harley riders. Last summer they went to Alaska.
I sat around the table last weekend and thanked god I had them in my life. If there is one thing you can bet on, things are always interesting when my mother is around, and for that we thank-her.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Stormy days......

Okay, so I know that depression was knocking on my door recently. I took pro-active action to attempt to 'deal' with the issues. Only, I personally cannot pin-point the issues that would drive me to be a rageing lutientic - mainly to my family. And prior to making any decisions, I like to know full well what the issues are - hence being able to pin-point my weakness.

Here is the deal, I am overwhelmed with the things I have going on. In the past I dealt with my stress by working-out, walking, or any other out door activity. During the winter months getting me out of the house is near impossible. Therefore winter is my enemy, and the build up happens all day long and the explosion happens at home.

I have a brain that won't shut off, I have a two year old that I feel that I cannot manage (sleep issues), I have a husband that doesn't like to talk, I have work that is taking alot, and family that lives out of town- but only ways on the agenda.

I feel as if I am alot of things to a lot of people - HR manager, Finance Director, mom, wife, lover, friend, sister, daughter. And, I try to do my best to wear each one of these hats with 100% success. However, if I should have to fail at one of them, I fail as a mom and wife.
I guess, because with these people I can really be myself. I am not someone showing up in a suit ready to tackle the day, I am the person in the sweats, folding the laundry and washing butts in the bath tub. I am just mom at home, but a mom with a 100 hats.

I realized weeks ago that I was being unfair to the people I love the most. The people I am suppose to protect, love and embrace. Yet, I found them to be the easist targets to release my frustration. I cannot say I am sorry enough to these people.

So in an effort to curve my emotions, I called my doctor. We gleened over my emotions and how i am handling them, this took no more than 5 minutes. (strange.)

I have been on anti-depressants before - twice actually. Each time was 6 mths before Rylan had a major surgery. Then I would take myself off of them, once the surgery was over and things were okay. I would not go back to the doctor, talk about my feelings or run thru a laundry list of emotions. I would eventually find my way back to feeling good.

I am struggling with taking medication this time, because I cannot pin-point the issue. I am not facing surgery, I don't have anxiety over anything pending - I just feel as if I dont' have a release, I don't have anyone to talk too (who really get's it), and I feel as if I am failing as a mom, I cannot shut down at night, I am not sleeping, and I don't feel as if there is enough of me to go around. I was hoping the medication would help me keep my emotions in check.

The side-effects may be worse. I am mad at myself for giving in and taking the medication, I am mad that I cannot control this 'issue' (whatever it is) on my own.

I get furious when my husband decides to ask 'have you taken your medicine today' as a result of us having an argument. He has that underlying tone of ' that medicine should make you all better, so why are you still acting like this'.

I don't want the mediciane to make it all go away, I want to still be able to feel my emotions - all of my emotions. Secondly, I want to be able to control those emotions, and I have been struggling to do that. I feel defeated these days, in a different way, I feel as if I should have been able to work my way through this tough time in my life and come out on top.

I am angry at having to take this medication in order to keep the peace. Plus, I am angry that Lance walks around as if the entire issue was 'me' and now that I have medication the issue(s) should be gone. I feel as if he plays a part in my not being able to handle everything.

*Disclaimer: He is a pretty laid back guy, he is pretty much a go with flow kind of guy. I cannot say enough good things about him, I love him dearly.

But, let's face it, we don't communicate well. We communicate differently, he would prefer not to talk (about anything), and not acknowledge emotions. He agreed to go to therapy, if I wish to persue it - I think he has agreed in 'theory'. I don't think he really would go, if it all came down to it. I appreciate the kind guesture, but I am really looking for an approach with some substance.

Secondly, the medication is making me sick - sick to my stomach, I feel detached, and blah. I don't like this feeling, any better than the way I felt before. Plus, I have no interest in getting physical with dear ol'hubby. This could stem from the medication (listed as a side-effect), and the fact that I think he has not taken ownership of his role in making me feel bad. We are physical on a regular basis . So this lack of attention has sent him even further away from me. He is waiting for the 'issue' to work its self out, and feels I will just snap out of it all. He told me last night ' just pick yourself up, and get over it already'.

My food is tasteless, my emotions are hazy, my brain feels like it is on lock-down..
I am not sure which is better? Loving the food I eat; thereby eating too much. Having emotions all over the place, and a brain that won't shut down. Or feeling detached from my own body.

I sat at the park alone today, and attempted to eat my lunch, trying to enjoy the wind & sunshine. I am struggling with feeling defeated over having to take this damn blue pill everyday. Taking a pill without any parmaters - such as an end in sight scares me.

I am afraid of just taking the damn thing for the sake of taking it. I am afraid of becoming so removed from my own emotions, that I won't know how to enjoy myself without medication. Little blue pill you scare the crap out of me on so many levels. I thought you were suppose to make me feel better - perhaps I am suppose to make myself feel better, but I don't know how.

So, the internal struggle continues until tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My mom's - cow in the bathroom

You think I am joking....gosh if you only knew the half of it.

We went to my mothers over the weekend, and yes they had a baby calf (two days old) in their spare bathroom. He was born in a creek, his mother left him there and the owner did not want to attempt to nurse the baby calf back to health, so they called my parents.

*As a side barr - last time I was home my dad brought home a 2 mth old girl calf. However, she was placed down at the barn in the pen built for her. Where the cows should be.

From an outsider looking in this may seem a bit out of the ordinary. My husband, who grew up in the same town; even found this cow in the bathroom situation a bit surprising.

I on the otherhand grew up in a household, where you NEVER knew what might be in our house or on the land. My mother had a pet Racoon for many years, we called her Ashley. Ashley shared the bed with most of us, she too was a baby when she arrived and made her way into our hearts. My mother fed her eggs and mini muffins every morning. If you smoked cig's then you got attacked, apparently the smoke made something in her brain trigger and she attacked you. (sorry Rachel - you were our learning curve on the cig smoke ;).

We had a sheep we named Randy - you guessed, he started out in the bathroom. He was the runt, a bit wimpy, with a gimpy leg. We kept him in the bathroom in order to keep him fed and in an attempt to help him thrive. Randy ended up being just fine, within no time at all he outgrew the bathroom and was placed in the field with the other sheep. Before long he was chasing my brother, and butting heads with everything in site.

We had a goat that always got its head stuck in the fence, because it was trying to eat the garden. We had pigs that were cute, so the got to spend sometime in the bathroom as well. We even tried to have a pet pig, I am not sure what happened to him.

We had a few cows also, but we never had baby cows to look after. Rather we adult cows, cows which required shots. My dad would run them thru the gate yell at me and my sister to have the shot ready and we would wing it. I still have nightmares about that one.

Lastly, we looked after two horses. One of them was crazy, and tried to run me into a tree one day (while I was 13). My foot was caught in the stirr-up, I was trying to get off and the damn thing took off running - dragging me aside of it. Then he ran into each and every tree he could, you could see the enjoyment in his eyes. Damn horse. I am ruined for life, over that incident.

Anyway, we had a mix-match farm - piecocks, ginnies, chickens, dogs, cats, cows, goats, sheep, horses etc. So to come home over 10 years later and see a cow in the bathroom did not surprise me. Everyone else did not take it in stride.

Pyper was terrifed. She has never seen a cow up close. She was afraid the could would come get her (mind you the cow never even stood up).

My grandmother brought her boyfriend over to 'see' the cow. Her boyfriend was 'shocked', and found the whole thing funny. My grandmother was delighted she could surprise her new boyfriend, at my mother's expense.

In the middle of the night, the cow got out of the bathroom, wandered thru the house and made its way into my mothers bedroom. It must have wanted to be close to her, because it made its bed at the foot of her bed. So, then they had a wandering cow in the house. The house had, 5 kids, 4 adults, and a cow. Isn't that the make-up of everyone's house???

*Sadly, the cow ended up dying on Sunday morning. It just could not pull thru getting cold and being abandonded.

I wonder what they will have next time we arrive, because if you think for one moment that there will not be another animal in the bathroom - you are saddly mistaken.

*I am not feeling much better, just trying to work thru it all. Sorry, if the post yesterday concerned everyone. I really am okay.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Pyper Eva DePew turns 2 this weekend

Well, Happy Birthday baby....I struggle with where to begin on this one. When your brother was turning 5 we decided to 'try' again for another child, much to my hesitation. To say that I was terrified about having another child would be putting it lightly. As side from the fact that we ran a 50/50 chance of you being cleft, I just wasn't sure we could handle a 'baby' again.

I had several moments which triggered me into motherhood once again,

- one your brother - he deserved the chance to grow up with someone else, someone to lean on in tough times, someone to discuss how 'crazy' his parents are, and someone to share his childhood with. I personally love my siblings and could not imagine life without them. We grew up really close, and share memories and emotions that only we understand.

Lance too, he is one of 6 children - he could not fathom the idea of an only child. Actually the idea of Rylan being an only child broke his heart.

-A Significant incident that threw me over the edge - my best friend (since childhood) was an only child and lost her mom. She sat in the front row at the funeral home all alone. Sure, she had aunts, uncles, cousins - but no one else to help her make the final decision, no one to grieve with openly. I never wanted Rylan to sit in the front pew all alone.
I imagined myself being there grieving the loss of one of my parents and clinging tightly to my siblings. The comfort I would find in just hug or a slight glance from someone who understood that level of loss.

Lance and I made a deal while lying in bed one evening. If the child we were having was not 'cleft' then we would not find out the sex of the child. We would be surprised. I spent 20 weeks holding my breath. We go in for the ultrasound - me, Lance, Rylan and my mother. Emotions ran high and there you were on the monitor; doing somersaults. (I should have known then you would be a high energy child. Perhaps I should have laid off the coffee, too.) We could see your hair floating above you, as your arms and legs moved freely inside my tummy. I lay on the table and cried - tears of excitement, fear, and love. I silently thanked god that you had two arms, two legs and a beating heart. It was determined that you were not cleft effected. We were overwhelmed with emotions - you were perfectly healthy.

The office practically had to kick your Nana out of the room, because she would not leave the technician alone about finding out the sex of the child. Nana even went as far as to practialy 'bribe' the technician. The deal was, no one would find out - and we were sticking to it.

We were scheduled to be induced with you, because I am impatient and could not wait any longer. We went in on a Wed night. Your Nana and Pa drove up from the country and so our night began....we checked in at 8pm and by 11am the next morning you were here. Once we got close, your Pa excused himself, as your Nana and daddy each grabbed one of my legs.
Preparing to push, I hear everyone exclaim - wow, look at all the hair (they were talking about you - of course). *I must say, that is not something a 'girl' wants to hear in that position with her mother and husband having a full shot of my unmentionable. Your birth was 'easy' and pleasant. You arrived and everyone shouted 'It's a girl' (just like in the movies). Your dad and Nana were crying as I lay in the bed exhausted from the birth and roller coaster of emotions. A girl, 'goodness' I thought. What am I going to do with a girl?

We tried breastfeeding - we could not breastfeed Rylan due to his cleft (near impossible). You were like a shark, you latched on and so the feeding began. Until I realized that you latch on wrong, and within 48 hours I thought I was going to die every time you got hungry. I cringed to think that your little mouth would even get close to me. I lasted a mere 4 weeks, every time you came near me I didn't see a little girl, I saw a piranha coming towards me ready to inflict pain. It was best for both of us that we introduced the bottle.
You are a ray of sunshine in our house. Your smile can light up the room in an instant. Your personality is one of a kind, you demand every ones undivided attention. You have a fierce love for your brother, that even I am surprised by. The 5 year age difference doesn't seem to extreme when you two are chasing each other around the house giggling with pure joy. I catch myself holding my breath at time trying to capture the small moments when I can see straight to your soul. Your outgoing personality keeps me on my toes. I pray that I don't try to stifle you, as you grow up. I pray that I let you find your self at your own pace and don't try to shove my personal opinions down your throat. You will be my learning curve, as you grow older. Even at two I find myself struggling to embrace your outgoing personality - for fear that your ability to capture everyone's attention could turn horribly wrong in an instant. I hope I never wear you down to where you lose your ability to express yourself. Your eyes hold the key to your emotions, you will never be able to deny what you are feeling. I love that about you.

I am beginning to wrap my head around having a 'little girl'...and getting excited about what the future might hold for the two of us. I hope you remember the times we played, colored, went for walks, laugh so hard we practically peed, watch movies and snuggled on the cough.

I hope your childhood is not tainted with timeout, yelling, strict rules, and a mom that cannot control her own emotions. I hope I can guide you in the 'right' direction without stifling you and your dreams. As we enter into year number two, I look forward to you finding new words - ( I am ready for something other than why / what.) , exploring the world around you and finding joy in the little things. Last night we made pizza and you loved just spreading the sauce, playing in the cheese and eating the bacon. You are teaching me to let go of the daily stress and find joy in the little things. And helping me to keep finding that 'kid' inside of me one smile at a time.

Thank you to the people who find joy in being around our family. To our caregiver who doesn't just watch my kids, she loves them as if they were her own. Pyper is smart, loving and entertaining because you help us guide her, and for that we thank you. We could never pay you enough for the impact you have on our lives. My heart is at ease when I drop her off, because she loves to go. Pyper loves to show up because she knows she gets to be herself and everyone loves her for it.

Happy Birthday little girl..........may all your dreams come true.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Village Idiots.

These days seem like an amusement ride that just won't end.

Yesterday, was fun getting home (NOT!). I left work around 1pm, apparently right in the middle of the damn snow storm. I took the back roads in an effort to avoid the village idiots on the highways. What normally takes me 15 to 20 minutes took me an hour and half.

Village Idiot # 1 - We will call her Sandy the slug:
I had a lady in a car that decided my lane was moving fast than hers, so why not just come on over. And while you are on your way over, lets not turn our blinker on. Let's just scoot over in the middle of the snow filled highway and make everyone else slide around in an effort to avoid hitting you. We had to avoid hitting you because your car was rear-wheel drive and could not get any traction, therefore you could not GET OVER. Hence you were stuck in two lanes blocking traffic.

Village Idiot #2 - Mr. Green Jeans:

Or how about Mr. Green Station Wagon that almost took out the whole side of my car - because you too lost control. Here's an idea - let's try NOT going so fast in the middle of a snow storm.

Village Idiot #3 - Phone home. Then there was little Ms. Silver Car, the one that blocked the entrance to my caregivers subdivision. Yeah, you were a 'classic' one. You sat in your little sports car, with your sun-glasses on and attempted to get out of the subdivision, this should have been a no-brainier since you were going down-hill. (how does some one screw up going down hill?).

You made it to the bottom and at the stop sign, changed your mind and decided to turn around and go back into the subdivision. (did I mention she had sunglasses and flip-flops on) While turning around you got stuck, so I sent my husband out of our car to go help you (by pushing yours). He would tell you turn the wheel left and you would turn it right, he would even have his finger pointing to tell you the right direction, but you must of have missed it when your PHONE RANG. So now she is wearing her sunglasses, flip-flops, blocking the entire subdivision and talking on her phone. Alias, she is no longer stuck and attempts to make it up the hill - she slides sideways down the hill and clogs the only way in / out of the subdivision (phone still stuck to ear). Clearly, she could not see my high beam glare with infra-red lights burning a hole into her head - because she had her sunglasses on.

I call the sitter and tell her to look out her back window - I see her step to the glass. She laughs, she can see us along with the good people of the subdivision attempting to help this lady. Then the sitter replies - 'does she have her sunglasses on? Are those flip-flops, and who can she be talking to?' All very good questions.

It took us another hour and 15 minutes to get our kids. My worst fear is having a disaster and not being able to reach my kids. I know this does not qualify as a disaster, but it sure pissed me off.

We made it home safe and sound only to be plagued with eye goop and ear aches - in the middle of a snow storm. Our night was from hell, and today we packed up and saw the doctor. We have eye drops, ear drops and antibiotics.

Our goosebumps movie:
Welcome to the ride that won't let you get off. We are the seat with the creaky wheel, and straps that don't work. We hold on for dear life and pray for the best.

Is this really the best? Gosh help us if it is.........

Monday, March 3, 2008

Uncharted territory:

Gosh where to begin...
Perhaps we should start with the weather. Yesterday was BEAUTIFUL, my body, mind and soul need the spring. Today we are expecting sleet and snow again - WHAT the HELL.
Plus the anticipated snow days, dear god, our kids will prob have to go until mid-june at this rate. Did I mention that Rylan has several days off this month, plus a full week off for spring break. ugh. Normally we take spring break as an opportunity to actually get away. But not this year, spring break is early, and it is smack in the middle of my busy season. So we may take a long weekend and go somewhere with the kids, get a hotel with a pool and attempt to make the best of it. Normally we head to Texas this time of year, which is normally good for my disposition. It looks like we will take our Texas trip in the heart of summer - where we will burn our arses off.
I have meeting tonight at 7:30, therefore I in theory will be out in the muck tonight, cursing the snow gods.
Today, I switch brokers for our insurance at work. I have 10 days to do the impossible-find adquet insurance for myself and the employees. And within those SAME 10 business days I must complete our audit, our auditors will be onsite next week.

On the weekends I must pull off a birthday party - Pyper is turning 2. Then we have Easter, when did Easter sneak in to March? Right after Easter we must plan Rylan's b-day party. See those 10 lbs creeping up on me -that is birthday cake.

Today I also got a phone call from my last job, asking me if I would consider coming back. I am torn, I did not leave on bad terms, I left to advance my career. I loved the people there, I know the work - but I also have been making strides here. um. With everything I have on my plate at the moment, I don't want to get bogged down in the 'what if's'. But I suspect that I may be called with a 'real' offer in the next week or so. What to do, what to do? To be continued.............


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