Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Stormy days......

Okay, so I know that depression was knocking on my door recently. I took pro-active action to attempt to 'deal' with the issues. Only, I personally cannot pin-point the issues that would drive me to be a rageing lutientic - mainly to my family. And prior to making any decisions, I like to know full well what the issues are - hence being able to pin-point my weakness.

Here is the deal, I am overwhelmed with the things I have going on. In the past I dealt with my stress by working-out, walking, or any other out door activity. During the winter months getting me out of the house is near impossible. Therefore winter is my enemy, and the build up happens all day long and the explosion happens at home.

I have a brain that won't shut off, I have a two year old that I feel that I cannot manage (sleep issues), I have a husband that doesn't like to talk, I have work that is taking alot, and family that lives out of town- but only ways on the agenda.

I feel as if I am alot of things to a lot of people - HR manager, Finance Director, mom, wife, lover, friend, sister, daughter. And, I try to do my best to wear each one of these hats with 100% success. However, if I should have to fail at one of them, I fail as a mom and wife.
I guess, because with these people I can really be myself. I am not someone showing up in a suit ready to tackle the day, I am the person in the sweats, folding the laundry and washing butts in the bath tub. I am just mom at home, but a mom with a 100 hats.

I realized weeks ago that I was being unfair to the people I love the most. The people I am suppose to protect, love and embrace. Yet, I found them to be the easist targets to release my frustration. I cannot say I am sorry enough to these people.

So in an effort to curve my emotions, I called my doctor. We gleened over my emotions and how i am handling them, this took no more than 5 minutes. (strange.)

I have been on anti-depressants before - twice actually. Each time was 6 mths before Rylan had a major surgery. Then I would take myself off of them, once the surgery was over and things were okay. I would not go back to the doctor, talk about my feelings or run thru a laundry list of emotions. I would eventually find my way back to feeling good.

I am struggling with taking medication this time, because I cannot pin-point the issue. I am not facing surgery, I don't have anxiety over anything pending - I just feel as if I dont' have a release, I don't have anyone to talk too (who really get's it), and I feel as if I am failing as a mom, I cannot shut down at night, I am not sleeping, and I don't feel as if there is enough of me to go around. I was hoping the medication would help me keep my emotions in check.

The side-effects may be worse. I am mad at myself for giving in and taking the medication, I am mad that I cannot control this 'issue' (whatever it is) on my own.

I get furious when my husband decides to ask 'have you taken your medicine today' as a result of us having an argument. He has that underlying tone of ' that medicine should make you all better, so why are you still acting like this'.

I don't want the mediciane to make it all go away, I want to still be able to feel my emotions - all of my emotions. Secondly, I want to be able to control those emotions, and I have been struggling to do that. I feel defeated these days, in a different way, I feel as if I should have been able to work my way through this tough time in my life and come out on top.

I am angry at having to take this medication in order to keep the peace. Plus, I am angry that Lance walks around as if the entire issue was 'me' and now that I have medication the issue(s) should be gone. I feel as if he plays a part in my not being able to handle everything.

*Disclaimer: He is a pretty laid back guy, he is pretty much a go with flow kind of guy. I cannot say enough good things about him, I love him dearly.

But, let's face it, we don't communicate well. We communicate differently, he would prefer not to talk (about anything), and not acknowledge emotions. He agreed to go to therapy, if I wish to persue it - I think he has agreed in 'theory'. I don't think he really would go, if it all came down to it. I appreciate the kind guesture, but I am really looking for an approach with some substance.

Secondly, the medication is making me sick - sick to my stomach, I feel detached, and blah. I don't like this feeling, any better than the way I felt before. Plus, I have no interest in getting physical with dear ol'hubby. This could stem from the medication (listed as a side-effect), and the fact that I think he has not taken ownership of his role in making me feel bad. We are physical on a regular basis . So this lack of attention has sent him even further away from me. He is waiting for the 'issue' to work its self out, and feels I will just snap out of it all. He told me last night ' just pick yourself up, and get over it already'.

My food is tasteless, my emotions are hazy, my brain feels like it is on lock-down..
I am not sure which is better? Loving the food I eat; thereby eating too much. Having emotions all over the place, and a brain that won't shut down. Or feeling detached from my own body.

I sat at the park alone today, and attempted to eat my lunch, trying to enjoy the wind & sunshine. I am struggling with feeling defeated over having to take this damn blue pill everyday. Taking a pill without any parmaters - such as an end in sight scares me.

I am afraid of just taking the damn thing for the sake of taking it. I am afraid of becoming so removed from my own emotions, that I won't know how to enjoy myself without medication. Little blue pill you scare the crap out of me on so many levels. I thought you were suppose to make me feel better - perhaps I am suppose to make myself feel better, but I don't know how.

So, the internal struggle continues until tomorrow.


A Buns Life said...

Do you want to talk? email me....

Farrell said...

Michelle, honey, I think this is your best post yet. It's so raw, so honest, and so human. I want you to know that you are not a failure and it is OK. You are a working mother of two; I've yet to know a working mother of one, two, three or more that doesn't occassionally feel like a failure.
Also, we need to work on educating Lance. You know what I mean.
Lastly, I have been on medication forever and will have to be for the rest of my life. I've accepted it. I get it. Please email me, call me - I could do lunch today, even.
Breathe deep, we're here for you.


Nieces & Nephews and Kids...