Thursday, January 29, 2009

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Okay so,
It is sufficient to say that Lance and I are both stressed out, and we are taking it out on each other. Shouldn't we be bigger than that - well, perhaps, but the reality is we are not.
We are still 12 and 15 at heart.

So the other night I was asking him if he wanted to go to a conf with me in Seattle during June/July, and rather than having a pleasant conversation, we got into a fight. A big fight - which still baffles me.
*As a rule of thumb, we try not to fight in front of our kids, we also try not to curse in front of them. As a golden rule he is not allowed to be disrespectful to me in front of our children. I don't want Rylan to think he can treat women in a disrespectful manner, and I never want Pyper to think it is okay for a man (boyfriend/husband) to treat her with anything other than respect.
Needless to say, we broke all of the rules that night. And I was angry beyond belief.
For one, I don't think he was really angry about the conference, he is just angry these days. Actually, unhappy - with work. too - join the damn club and grow up.
Bottom line we are still not talking much...and this morning I noticed a small circle spot on my back. I asked him to look at it and he responds, 'yeah, you have a circle thingy' there, it looks stress related.'
Whew, great, I was beginning to think my body hadn't noticed how 'off' things have been.
Just want I need another 'spot' to be worried about.
So, I guess between working 6 days a week, fighting with the hubby and caring for the kids, I should try to find time to see a damn doctor.
Lance is home today with the kids, and I thought about staying home with them all.
You know, I had visions of sledding, carebears and sunshine. But the reality of it, we would prob just all fight. So, I took a shower, slush thru the crap and came into work. Is that bad?
Maybe, but which is worse, trying to force it. I just don't have the energy to force it. We are not happy today, we will see what tomorrow brings. Until we both find some balance and figure things out with work, we will prob just keep some distance, it seems easier that way.
Having bad days and down times, in no way equals a lack of love. We are fine overall, just struggling. And we both do it so differently. I need to talk it out. Well, news flash - he hates to talk. And when he does, he basically sucks at it. In the meantime I just hope I don't get any more spots. If so, then he will need two black eyes to match my two spots, I think that is only fair. Because we all know he caused them......(see I am 15 at heart!).

*just venting and praying for better days.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Chasing my tail...

I feel like I am chasing my tail.
Like a hamster in a wheel, that just goes around, and around, and around - but never really getting anywhere.

But where is it I want to go - I mean really.
What do I want to do when I grow up?

You would think that being a Director of Fin, would be a good gig and enough.....and at 30+ it is not a bad deal. I am not complaining. I am just a bit frustrated. What next?

Where is my plan? Where is the challenge, and really what do I want to do - because I am not sure this is it.

Perhaps I just answered part of my question -
I know what I don't want to do
1) Live on a farm
2) Mow lawn - damn those push mowers and weed-eaters
3) Shovel horse-crap
4) Clean toilets - I can barely keep my clean (boys are gross!).
5) Clean old people - I can barely clean Pyper's butt, I would hate to have to wipe Lance's. ugh.
6) Work in the cold -

What would my dream job be:
1) Beach bum?
2) Wino? - prob not a far stretch these days?
3) blank.....blank......
Does anyone out there really have a plan?
If so, how is that working out for you? Does it help to have one?
Or have you chalked it up as a bunch of mumbo-jumbo?
How are you blowing off steam in the winter - I guess I could use some suggestions.
*BTW, I was in late to work today, because I waited on the local DSL guy to come to my house to fix / replace my DSL. And oh, yeah -your DSL box went bad, and it is not under warranty - so please fork over some moo-lah.
Don't mind if I do - It's not like I needed that extra money for anything.
Apparently the DSL box has a warranty, and most boxes are failing just after the warranty is up - imagin that!!! The tech said he has replaced 6 in the last week.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

New President - and them some.

Well, much to my surprise I actually watched the events of yesterday.
It is the first inauguration I have ever watched in my 30+ yrs of life. So why yesterday?
Well, it was history in the making, maybe not the book of history I would have personally written. *I voted for McCain (whew it is out there). But history, none the less.

I watched the series of events in the detective bureau, with 5 other male detectives. All of them commenting on the level of alert that had been issued for this particular event. Most of them looking for items I would have never thought of - positions, people, objects (etc). They were looking to ensure that the event really did go off without any real crisis.
I on the otherhand, was looking at every one's attire. *shallow, maybe - but you know you were looking too. Some of it was hard to miss. ha!

This is my point. I have nothing negative to say about yesterday. I think Obama's viewed mistake when taking his oath was refreshing. I think it made him tangible, and human. He was clearly nervous - who wouldn't be. He was speaking to the FREE WORLD, and had everyones attention (and them some). He acknowledged that we are faced with a long hard road, and this road can only be towed if each and everyone of us pitch in. And with him, no one will be singled out, or dismissed -that is something in itself.

My husband is working nights this week (again), so I am sitting at the table working on Rylan's 2nd grade homework, and I ask him ' Hey, did you guys watch any TV today at school?'
Rylan looked at me crossed-eyed ''
Me 'well, history was made, and alot of schools let their students watch the new president take office.'
Rylan -' you mean obama?'
Me - yeap.
Rylan 'you didn't want Obama, did you? You know daddy did - daddy won. And in the school election, I too voted for Obama.' A long pause 'Mom, are you mad that Obama won, and that I voted for him?'
Me, a smile crosses my face. ' Dear heavens, no. This is America, and part of the great thing about our country is our right to vote. And in that process, someone has to win and someone has to lose. The person I voted for may have lost, but as Americans we all win. We get freedoms and strength from those freedoms that make us all winners. And I respect Obama as our new president, and pray he is successful - for all of us.'
Rylan ' yeah, yeah - but you know DAddy won.'
Me - yeah, I know.....I will hear about it for the next 4 yrs.
Rylan - so what happened?
Me - Wanna watch the news and view some of the coverage.
Rylan - looks inquisitive 'sure...but will it be boring?'
Me - 'nah, they took all the boring stuff out and will just show the good stuff.'
And so my son also watched history in the making. I am sure his little 7 yr old brain does not really get it, but he gets enough to know it was a big deal.

So, to each their own, it is now time to unite and support our new president.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dear Mr. Winter

Dear Mr. Winter -
Do us all a favor and pick a side.
If you are going to be cold enough to make my brain cells freeze then please at least snow, so the kids can play. This way we all feel as if you have accomplished something. Something other than keeping us in our homes, on top of each other, ready to grab the knives and daggers.
We can only watch so many movies before we want to gauge our eyeballs out.
We really should STOP eating - the chips, the popcorn, the chili, the lamb leg, the wine, the Baily's. This is making us fat.
*Find your friend Mr. Sunshine and send him our way - we would like to go outside and get our bodies moving. PLEASE.
We have been trying to entertain ourselves with the Wii (from X-mas), but given our competitive spirit - someone ALWAYS ends up mad.
For instance, Rylan put the smack down on me the other night while playing Wii baseball. He beat me (much to his pleasure) 24 to 1. Then when I returned the favor when we moved on to bowling. I whopped his butt 149 to 87. This resulted in one child CRYING. OMG. Really.

On a normal day, I would have said turn it off and go OUTSIDE.
But it was friggn' cold. So what to do?
Try another game, read a book or, of course watch a movie. The couch has an imprint from my butt, which has grown 2 inches. Mamma is not happy.
Lance is working nights (again), but no complaints, at least he is working. And so am I for that matter. I am applying for several federal jobs, anyone out there know how to get in with the Fed?
On a brighter note, I have a one day conference this week. I am leaving Thurs to go to Columbia, for an all day conf on Friday. This equals a room to ones-self and a bed to ones-self. This is the highlight of my winter (thus far!).
I have been absent lately. Swamped at work. I was in the office 4 hours on Sunday, and 12 hrs yesterday. Working this hard, and having a young family is a bit of a struggle, but hopefully well worth it. So, if you don't hear from me in a few days, just know that I am CRAZY (which is an understatement).
Lastly, there is a STL bloggers get together on Sat. If one cannot find a sitter, can we bring kids? I cannot imagine leaving Pyper on Sat, having just left her for two days - but I REALLY want to go. Any words of advice?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I feel like I have writers block, which is funny because I am NOT a writer.

I am not really feeling very motivated these days, perhaps it is because the winter cold has frozen every living brain cell. I am swamped at work, which is nice, it does not give me time to think about how cold it is or wonder how things are going to proceed with the EEOC. Work has until tomorrow to respond directly to the EEOC then the ball will FOR REAL start rolling.

Luckily, my desk is covered in 2009 budget work, year end work, and audit schedules.....color me a dork. All of this work makes me happy, from start to finish, I can see me getting things done - and a sense of accomplishment takes over.

The task on my desk seem to be the only items I have control over these days. My kids are testy, Pyper is almost 3 and keeps me guessing everyday. Rylan is almost 8 and getting sassy. Lance is still working for his 'old' company; which is weird, but as long as he is bringing home a check, I won't complain. He is also on 2nd shift, which means we don't' see each other at all - by the time I get home he is gone, by the time he gets home - I am in bed. grrrr.
Feeling blocked once again, so I am signing off.....we will see what tomorrow brings.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

New day?

Bad news bears!
Some of the men in my know anytime you walk in a room and see this scene it will be trouble.
(Travis, Ronnie, Matthew, Joey and Murphy. )
Whatever was said, I am sure it was funny, and foul.

My mother really did have a house-full on x-mas. Just the way I LUV it. Here we have kicked the kids off the couch so the lazy adults could drink & talk.

Here 'we' are x-mas eve at my mothers. Left to Rt: Ronnie, Matthew (my brother), Misty (my sister), Me (head tilt?), Murphy. We all have reasons to smile, health, kids, family and drinks! Believe me when I say, if you plan to attend a get-to-gether with us - bring your kids and your favorite drink. We will be all smiles after about 1 hour.
attire note:*Do you see that small (okay big) hole in my tights - this was my sisters response to that. 'Oh, you must be a working girl.' classy! *funny, it made me laugh out loud. She really is foul at times, and I luv her for that. Her, and her 'nice' wife-beater tank top. :)

As proof that I don't really beat my kids, here they are all smiles last night. I am heading out the door to go to a night meeting, I grab the camera to download some photos prior the meeting and Pyper (as usual) wants her picture taken. How could you not take a photo of that.....I mean really. Everyone was asleep when I got home last night, and all smiles this morning. Chalk one up for the good guys and keeping a 'normal' schedule.
Everyone keeps asking me 'how are things?'
My response 'I dont' know what have you heard?'
They seem puzzled by my response.........

Monday, January 5, 2009


I am imagining that all of the holiday hustle and bustle finally up with my entire family. Here is a small snapshot of what we had going on...........

Here are the KIDS that were at my mothers for x-mas eve. Yes, there are 13 kids ( think); 9 of them are my mothers grandchildren.

We will go from l to r: August, Laci, Rylan, Murphy, Jessie, Jake, Maidson, Grant, Courtney, Pyper, Paige, Payton, Gavin. WHEW.

Yes, Pyper ran around like a crazy head. Played her little heart out, and we packed her up and drug her from house to house -weekend after weekend. Sorry dear child - I know it sucks. Welcome to your life; find the silver lining. *it is there somewhere, I promise.

This was Pyper last night, she had time out (for like the 900 time), and she fell asleep in her timeout chair. *my mother is reading this and grabbing her chest, shaking her head and dialing my number all at the same time. I can hear her now, 'that poor child - blah,blah, blah'

New Years.

2009, wow it is here - really.

*Pinch, squeeze, pinch again. I am ready to wake up any day now.
click heels three times, think of a happy place - -envision a happy place.

I will spend the next two months still writing 2008 on every piece of paper I sign off on, because it takes me a while to wrap my head around the new year.

I am not one who makes resolutions. Why? Because I know i will never keep them. I know I don't have will power or gumption to lose my lingering 10 lbs, nor will give up chocolate or wine. I won't ask for all the normal mumbo-jumbo - of course I want to be happy, healthy and all that good sh*t. Who doesn't? But that seems like a cop-out resolution list. So once again, why bother.

I am SO glad the kids are getting back on their schedule today. They have been horrible! I mean horrible. This morning I spanked Pyper with the hair brush, and last night I swatted Rylan with the fly swatter. I spent 80% of yesterday yelling at both of them. They were intent on being BAD. The talking back, the not listening, the not staying in time out, the trying to hit me - OMG.

Dear hubby is still working, for the time being. He is going in to finish the job he was working on, but then what? Who knows. I HATE this...he is making me crazy.
I 'think' his boss is going to try to start his own company. This comes with its own amount of headaches, plus I 'think' his boss is going to ask 'us' to be partners. This makes me want to break out in hives. I don't want any part of it - but I am not so sure where Lance is at with it all.
um........It is only January and I feel blah. I love what I do, but hate my job. My boss is tiptoeing around me like a little mouse. They have until the 14th to respond to the EEOC. We shall see how that all turns out. I am preparing for battle, but I fear I don't have enough strenght to go around. My kids have got to get it together, my husband has got to get out of his funk and pick a side. I have to get my head back in the game - find my happy place.
*where did I put it? Oh, that's right it is on the beach in Mexico with my drink and the cabana boy.


Nieces & Nephews and Kids...