Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Cake....

Whirl-wind...
Here i am just about two weeks into this single parent gig and well, not so bad.
Each Sunday the kids n' I figure out what we want to eat for the week and we make it all up on Sunday. This past Sunday we made the following:
taco meat
sloppy joe
grilled chicken
ham for sandwiches
Friday we are going order out!!
So as we get in the groove of things, we seem to be finding our stride. Feed the dog and fish morning n' night. Take the dog for a walk everyday but Tues / Thursday - these are football days. Laundry IF i feel like it :)
And travel on the weekends to the country. Now this one has me a little discombobulated.
Last weekend we had to go to the country because Lance's dad turned 81 on Saturday. So in true, best DIL fashion I packed up the kids and we headed down to the country.
We stopped by Dairy Queen to get a cake for grandpa. So two kids, a dog, luggage and now a cake. We get to Dairy Queen and of course my queen bee - Pyper has to pee. So I take her inside and leave Rylan out side with the dog on the leash, so the dog can pee. Which of course he does not pee, he just romps around like an idiot.
Pyper attempts to pick out a pink cake, maybe a purple cake. I have to keep reminding her little 4 yr old brain that it is not HER birthday and that we need one for grandpa.
So we settle on a generic cake the has happy birthday on it. Pyper insist on carrying the cake. I get the cake out of the case, hand it to her and go to the register.
Well, she just keeps on walking to the door. I remind her that 'we have PAY for it.'
'Oh' she states. She trots back to the register and promptly butts in front of the elderly couple standing in front of me.
I let her know it is not our turn.
She glares at them with rings of fire shooting from her eyes. As if to say ' cannot you see we have a birthday cake!!'
So we ring out and begin to walk to the car.
Pyper is super excited to see the dog n' her brother across the parking lot.
So she starts to run, with the cake. She trips slightly and in an effort to gather herself she sends the cake flying across the parking lot. YEAP.
Well, since this not a normal cake - it is a frozen cake, it all stays in tact.
Mind you it ended up rolling on the black top and landed on the top of the cake. So the pretty sides are smooched and there is a bit a gravel in the cake.
Well in true mother of the year form, I scoop it up, dust it off and place it back in the battered container. Yes folks, I did I picked it right up off the parking lot.
Pyper was apologetic, I told her no need. I giggled about it, figuring it was just our luck!
Around 4pm we called Grandpa, asked about taking him to dinner - he eats early. He told us he was not going to eat dinner. Me 'what? you have to eat.'
Grandpa 'well I do eat. I ate lunch around 2pm, so I am not hungry.'
Me 'well grandpa we have cake for you n' your birthday.'
Grandpa ' I don't eat sweets.'
*this one makes me laugh out loud - he luvs sweets.*
So I go along with it all.
Me 'fine, we will be there shortly with a cake, and the kidz will sing happy birthday and have a slice.'
Grandpa 'see you soon.'
I giggled all the way to grandpa's. Here is this old man who does not even want a cake, although he will eat it. And little does he know that we dropped the darn thing on the parking lot..hehe.
This cake made my day :)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Glimmer..

Somewhere between today and last week i found a few things:
my smile, my laughter, my spirit.
All wrapped up in one happy bundle stashed in a dark corner in the basement of my house. Okay, maybe not that dramatic.....
Last week Lance got a call for work out of town, and I swear that he tried everything possible not to go; which really struck a cord with me. I was ready to give him a flying elbow. For real. Listen folks, it was work, it was out of town - which is not ideal; but is better then the current alternative. And he had said he was not going to take the job and quote 'because of football and practice.' I almost feel over. It is pee-wee football folks, hell I wouldn't care if it was college or the NFL - it is not paying the bills or making ends meet.
But he was dead serious; and i was too. Get your butt on the road and get to work. Go get your man card back and turn in your Martha Stewart status.
Oh yeah and the job was helping to build a Wal-mart, which totally burned his arse as well. That part made me giggle a bit. We are SO anti-walmart at our home.
Well listen folks, when times are tough - and they are at my home Walmart helps us to get where we need to go. So as much as he hated it he did go.
He found out about the job on a Tuesday and by Wed morning at 1:30 am he was on the road.
Let me just tell you what a relief it was....
I am actually surprised at how much tension and anger has been wrapped up in me and my household regarding him not working. Sure flying solo with kids is a bit of a transition. Lets face it I now i really have to get up early, get the kids ready and have a plan of action - rather than flying by the seat of my pants. But guess what I've done this before and it is not that bad.
So, in the last week I have -
Sent my husband to work, out of state
Found a new sitter for my kids come August / Sept.
And got the best back adjustment yesterday I feel like a million bucks.
My house has new 'relaxed' atmosphere about it. I did not realize how much stress was surrounding us; or me for that matter. Lance is not totally happy and our phone conversations are short and at times strained. He hates being gone.
But, just between you and I - I luv being in the house by myself for a bit. I am getting Pyper transitioned into her own bed. I am staying up late watching trash tv, eating and exercising if the notion strikes me. I am waking up early to watch videos and drink coffee -ha!
Aside from the dog eating a few items, he too has been a champ. Because now that Lance is gone too work he has to be kenneled during the day.
All of the stress is not gone, but I am feeling better. And today I feel fan-damn-tastic. Which just helps me to gauge how removed I really was for a while. How we really were just going thru the motions and holding our breath. How thick the tension was in our house hold and how it really was effecting all of us. Lance sounds better since he has gotten back to work; like his man card has been placed in his back pocket. Mind you it is a bit tainted with being at walmart - but welcome to growing up and eating the situation when you have too.
My sister has moved out and has been working on getting settled with the kids. Even though hers is a little more solid, she too is flying solo. And as scary as it is for her, she seems to be doing well. So as continue to encounter our little bumps in the road the glimmer of hope is shining brighter these days.

Monday, July 12, 2010

looking for grace....

Ever tried to walk thru life gracefully?
With your head held high and just putting one foot in front of the other - without your feet turned outward like a penguin?
Well, for the most part I do, shoulders square, head high and heel-toe, heel-toe.

I have started reading an biography on Robin Givens, which is strange i never really gave her any though and well the book was free. Which as usual seems to be some of the best kept secrets. The book talks alot about things I will never understand, being black, father issues, and abuse. However there are a few things that seem to translate - her strong family ties, her belief in god and finding grace. And just because she believed in god does not equate to her feeling like god really believed in her or loved her unconditionally.

As things came at me from all sides and I feel like I am swimming in turmoil and transition I am looking for my grace. Trying to maintain it through the laughter and tears.
At this point I am so angry with Lance, it is hard for me to see any other color other than anger. I am sad beyond belief that my sitter is moving on, not angry, but sad. I am praying and trying to figure things out for my kids. Making a few phone calls and going on a wing n' a prayer.
I am trying to be supportive of my sister as she walks through the emotions of a divorce and the unsettled emotions that come with moving on with your life and wondering IF you are making the right decision. Yesterday while hanging out with her I had these words, 'every decision you make is Right for you at the moment. And even if they are wrong, which some of them maybe, they will make your stronger.' They may not be the decisions i would make, they may not be the way I would do it - but then again, I don't have any idea how I would really go about it all. So they best I can do for her, is just be a sister and luv her with no boundaries. In hopes that if I ever need the same she will be there.....

On Friday we got a letter in the mail that my son's surgeon is leaving town. This seemed to be the straw that broke me, for just a moment. I picked up the phone, called my mother and cried. The letter took my breath away. God, please no......
In my head I am yelling please make it stop.
I am not sure how to explain our connection to this surgeon, other than he was god sent.

My son was born missing his hard/soft palate. Our doctor has performed every major surgery on my son. Mind you when I first met this guy, I personally HATED him. He was a jerk, not comforting and I was not going to subject my son to him. However.....once Rylan was born, just one day old. The surgeon came to see us at the hospital for an evaluation and Rylan was fussy and at times inconsolable. The doctor walked in room and Rylan smiled, his soft crooked smile. The doctor picked him up, in a very doctor detached way and started to measure, poke and prode him. Treated him like a butcher would treat a piece of meat, not like someone who luv'd a child. The doctor was going to keep it very disconnected. However, Rylan was not. Rylan layed there one day old and just smiled. Making his choice and his connection right then. And much to my disapproval, I knew I had to choose this doctor. He was not the best, he was the understudy, he was not my choice - but I knew I had to. And then 9 yrs ago we began our journey with this man. A journey of lip repair, after lip repair and last summer a bone graph. I have grown to have a luv and respect for this man, the doctor my son choose. My son maybe 9 but his treatment will continue for a lifetime. This man needs to be his doctor, for a lifetime.
So the letter on Friday broke my heart into a million pieces.
Right then an there I no longer wanted to hold my head high or put one foot in front of the other. I wanted to lay on the floor and cry. Feeling a bit deflated, a bit beat up by the curve balls of life.
Today I start putting one foot in front of the other, trying to pick up the pieces of the puzzle that no longer seem to fit. I have left a message for a new babysitter, I have left a message for Rylan's medical records, and I have said a few prayers.

I am not sure what god has in store for me, and right now I am not totally happy about the series of events. Trusting that it will all be alright is not a strong point for me. I like to be the driver of the bus, the captain of the ship and I like when the pieces of the puzzle all fall in place. God is asking me, or better yet forcing me to trust him and I fear that at times I am failing. When he does not give us what we want, that does not mean that he does not have a better plan. That is what i would tell someone else.......being graceful requires having the grace of god even when you have doubt.

Monday, July 5, 2010

twisty n' some..

I have been absent lately. I have been out of sorts, stressed and in a freaky funk.
As I begin to write this I am not sure what to share and what to keep wrapped up in the funk.
A few highlights since we last got together......oh my, we got together in May, last.
Sorry.
In the mean time I turned 35 in June; which was for the most part pretty uneventful. I am not totally rocked by my 30's; just yet. I seem pretty comfortable in my own skin and don't mind the character builders that seem to be showing up daily. Actually I am pretty okay with it all. And now that I think about it, at this stage in my life, there really isn't anything that I 'wish' I would have done by now. I have all in all pretty much accomplished most of my goals, which means that in the near future i need to set new ones. Having a goal or two seems to keep me in gear and part on track. Without them I find myself a bit Topsy-turfy.
um.what else has happened that maybe funny or interesting??
um....can you hear that grinding n' turning that is the rusty gears in my brain.
The kids are well, Rylan decided not to finish summer school, since his father has been laid off work. So now i have two rather lazy dudes in my house, which for the most part is about to drive me bonkers. If they don't get my deck fixed and a few bedrooms painted, they are going to get one flying elbow - WWE style. ha!
Pyper is getting really big n' sassy. At the end of July I she will be in transition, our baby sitter will no longer be watching kids. Which takes my breath away....I really need to put some energy in to figuring out what I am going to do with Pyper n' Rylan. During school, Rylan will get on and off the bus at her house, this folks is a totally big deal in my world; one that I am not ready to tackle just yet; but I am running out of time. This one breaks my heart, and leaves me struggling with where to turn next.
Lance is still not working, his unemployment is running out - this is his last week and STILL he insist on waiting on the list at the union hall. This unemployment gig has begun to take a toll on ''us''. To say that I am frustrated would be putting lightly. I am sure he is as well, but we are taking to different methods in trying to handles this unemployment issue and we are not meeting in the middle very well. We are part of the American economy that has been hit hard by the recession, the construction industry, the car industry ect.
I thank god I have a job that pays our bills, we won't be losing our car or home anytime soon; but our lifestyle has had to change. And the emotional toll being unemployed for a long period time takes on a person is unbelievable. This has left us in an abyss of emotions, not all good, and some a bit blurry. So I will remain a bit twisty n' some for a bit until a few items get settled - babysitter, unemployment etc...

Kids

Kids
Nieces & Nephews and Kids...