Monday, July 12, 2010

looking for grace....

Ever tried to walk thru life gracefully?
With your head held high and just putting one foot in front of the other - without your feet turned outward like a penguin?
Well, for the most part I do, shoulders square, head high and heel-toe, heel-toe.

I have started reading an biography on Robin Givens, which is strange i never really gave her any though and well the book was free. Which as usual seems to be some of the best kept secrets. The book talks alot about things I will never understand, being black, father issues, and abuse. However there are a few things that seem to translate - her strong family ties, her belief in god and finding grace. And just because she believed in god does not equate to her feeling like god really believed in her or loved her unconditionally.

As things came at me from all sides and I feel like I am swimming in turmoil and transition I am looking for my grace. Trying to maintain it through the laughter and tears.
At this point I am so angry with Lance, it is hard for me to see any other color other than anger. I am sad beyond belief that my sitter is moving on, not angry, but sad. I am praying and trying to figure things out for my kids. Making a few phone calls and going on a wing n' a prayer.
I am trying to be supportive of my sister as she walks through the emotions of a divorce and the unsettled emotions that come with moving on with your life and wondering IF you are making the right decision. Yesterday while hanging out with her I had these words, 'every decision you make is Right for you at the moment. And even if they are wrong, which some of them maybe, they will make your stronger.' They may not be the decisions i would make, they may not be the way I would do it - but then again, I don't have any idea how I would really go about it all. So they best I can do for her, is just be a sister and luv her with no boundaries. In hopes that if I ever need the same she will be there.....

On Friday we got a letter in the mail that my son's surgeon is leaving town. This seemed to be the straw that broke me, for just a moment. I picked up the phone, called my mother and cried. The letter took my breath away. God, please no......
In my head I am yelling please make it stop.
I am not sure how to explain our connection to this surgeon, other than he was god sent.

My son was born missing his hard/soft palate. Our doctor has performed every major surgery on my son. Mind you when I first met this guy, I personally HATED him. He was a jerk, not comforting and I was not going to subject my son to him. However.....once Rylan was born, just one day old. The surgeon came to see us at the hospital for an evaluation and Rylan was fussy and at times inconsolable. The doctor walked in room and Rylan smiled, his soft crooked smile. The doctor picked him up, in a very doctor detached way and started to measure, poke and prode him. Treated him like a butcher would treat a piece of meat, not like someone who luv'd a child. The doctor was going to keep it very disconnected. However, Rylan was not. Rylan layed there one day old and just smiled. Making his choice and his connection right then. And much to my disapproval, I knew I had to choose this doctor. He was not the best, he was the understudy, he was not my choice - but I knew I had to. And then 9 yrs ago we began our journey with this man. A journey of lip repair, after lip repair and last summer a bone graph. I have grown to have a luv and respect for this man, the doctor my son choose. My son maybe 9 but his treatment will continue for a lifetime. This man needs to be his doctor, for a lifetime.
So the letter on Friday broke my heart into a million pieces.
Right then an there I no longer wanted to hold my head high or put one foot in front of the other. I wanted to lay on the floor and cry. Feeling a bit deflated, a bit beat up by the curve balls of life.
Today I start putting one foot in front of the other, trying to pick up the pieces of the puzzle that no longer seem to fit. I have left a message for a new babysitter, I have left a message for Rylan's medical records, and I have said a few prayers.

I am not sure what god has in store for me, and right now I am not totally happy about the series of events. Trusting that it will all be alright is not a strong point for me. I like to be the driver of the bus, the captain of the ship and I like when the pieces of the puzzle all fall in place. God is asking me, or better yet forcing me to trust him and I fear that at times I am failing. When he does not give us what we want, that does not mean that he does not have a better plan. That is what i would tell someone else.......being graceful requires having the grace of god even when you have doubt.

1 comment:

Farrell said...

My thoughts are with you, and your sister's kids.

I too feel God is testing me now and I too am looking--begging--for guidance.

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