Tuesday, May 28, 2013
So I have this notion that failure is alright, it is part of life. It is a part of life no one ever speaks about and no one tells you is 'okay'. Hey guess what ppl - we get fired, we lose jobs, we lose spouses, we lose loved ones, we don't get the dream job, we don't get the guy, hell there are times when I go to look and I don't get the damn ice cream! FAILURE is healthy. I know gasp! Healthy. Why did no one bother to tell me, why is it not written somewhere, in some parent handbook? Gosh this life lesson has been a hard one for me. But despite my failures I am all n' all okay! Who knew? There are days when everything falls apart and fail totally bad! And then there are days when I think i am a total rockstarr; but I am reminded pretty soon that I failed. I am learning to be okay in my own skin, with my own faults and I think I have tested every inch of my moral and personal being. Only to find out that each day, I still wake up and I still live - therefore I must find the lesson. Wisdom, grace and joy. Those are the things I look for daily and with each event failure or not. I pray for wisdom, because god knows I have made some dumb comments and mistakes in my 37 yrs of life. I pray for grace, because hell, I swear that desk ran into me!!! And my two left feet sometimes get the best of me and because I carry my emotions in my eyes and on my face - grace would be blessing at times. I pray for joy! I refuse to live without joy! That is not to say that I won't have struggle, I wont have strife, that I won't have bad and sad days. But damn it, I will and have smiled throught it all. I so believe that I am going to be okay - hell I am more okay today than I was yesterday. So that is darn start! Its a slow race, no one bothers to tell you that either. But don't race the clock, it wins everytime. Don't race your values, they will be tested. Don't race yourself, there is never a winner. Keep your smile, keep your laughter and spread your joy. It will lead to places you never thought you would find. A small note to me and others.... M
Monday, May 27, 2013
Okay, so let me just say how much I HATE, HATE my lawn mower! Soo, with this whole Lance debacal, as it has fallen out - I got the house. Now don't go acting like it was an act of goodness by Lance; heck no. I got the house, because I can afford it on one income. In return he go my truck and I go his 91 Ford that was on its last leg - which still sits in my driveway as if it is a freakn' lawn statute. Lucky for me my parent had mercy on me and gave me a car, I proudly drive a 2001 Chevy Impala - with pleasure at this point. Im still trying to figure all this out and there are times when it suxs! I have yet to decide if I can really swing a car-payment. It frightens the hell out of me... So as I keep the house, I keep everything with the house!! WTF! Where was the damn disclaimer? I hate this! A few years ago Lance bought a damn commercial lawn mower. Our lawn is not that big!! So now I can hardly mow my lawn, the mower is cumbersome, heavy and hard to use! The mower and I are not friends! Hate would be a welcome relif for this damn device. So once a week, now that it is summer I find myself wrestling with this damn green machine of hate! I have had it up a tree, in the fence, hell I just let it go and watched it roll down the hill for shits n grinns! My back yard suxs to begin with - it is hill, it is not functional - so mowing it makes me wanna scream! I am to the point where I want to burn my back yard so I never have to mow it again! The work around the house never ends, I am so thinking about getting a condo. The other day we were watching the midget play softball and lance made a comment about my arms being burnt. I replied I had to mow the lawn. He replied 'ill mow if for you, if you pay me." OHH Hell NO! I'd rather stabb you in the eyeball then pay you a damn dime! BTW, Lance lives in an apartment (about 2 miles from me) - so he has no yard work, no maint in his place. We co-parent really well - that is a true story. But within the first 5 min of being in his space, I am reminded of why we cannot and will live together or ever get back together! And this lawn, how this bitch haunts me all summer... I have a total weird vibe about paying someone to mow my lawn - I know its an option. But I cannot go there either. I know I should down grade and get a normal push mower, like I had before; but I keep trying to wrestle this big green machine half ass outta spite to Lance and half ass to ensure the damn mower does not defeat me. I know, how crazy this sounds...I KNOW. I'll keep you posted on how this summer romance goes...so far it has caused blisters, sore muscles and won't even buy dinner! told you she was a bitch! :)
Its interesting that the last two years I basically stopped writing. As if life suddenly stopped. Well it didn't stop, it just got messy. Which is why I should have probably kept writing. Perhaps I could have gotten some perspective, a few f' you's or a few it will be okay talks. Instead I do what I do best, I built a wall around my self and attempted to hide. Well that is like trying to hid in a mailbox while my ass hangs out. Just not possible. Over the past two years I have made mistakes and even become a person even i didn't recognize. I seperated from Lance after 11 years of marriage; had a boyfriend that was also married (no hate mail please! I get it!). Attempted to do everything possible to keep my kids safe and settled despite my current state of bobble head. Yes folks I was a total bobble head and at times continue to bobble my way through this debacl. There are things I do know, now that I didn't know then. I am much stronger than I ever thought. I left Lance with a plan, a place to go or a road map of how to get to the otherside. Provided there was another side? All I knew was I could not live that 'life' any longer; the problem was I didn't know what my new life would look like nor did I have any idea how to get there. So I did what any fancy girl would do, I decided to wing it! Mistake after glorious mistake. I say that now, but damn. I had nights of crying, praying for mercy, praying and praying more, and having my ass handed to me by the people I loved the most. My kids are good, despite me being their mom. They smile, they laugh, they get great grades and they still to this day teach me so much. The midget is 7 and going into the second grade. If she wasn't so darn cute, sassy n stubborn, I'd kill her! And my Ry is 12 and has gone through 3 girlfriends during his first yr of middle school. He had his first heartbreak and he shared it with me. I am beyond blessed. And at that time I was cleaning my own house of emotional maddness so as he told me about his break up, we cried together. He did not tell his dad, which warmed my heart. I did call his dad the next day to tell him, and told him to let Ry tell him in his own time. Ry by nature is soft - yes, even my tough little qb of the football team is soft to the core. Lance responded to me as I told him the story 'well, michelle I will just tell him that women are like parking spaces. Once one moves out, another moves in.' So yes folks, now you can see why we tip-toe around the things we share with Lance. UGH! I am going to try much harder to keep this up, to stay in this space despite any events going on in my life. Good, bad or indifferent. I am not sure what the rest of the summer or year has in store for me, but I sure hope I don't have to repeat any of my same mistakes! I hope I have taken enough time to learn the necessary lessons and gawd I hope the sun continues to shine and that I wake up and take the time to notice it. I've learned to keep things simple and take time for the small things....