Monday, May 27, 2013

2013 and then some...

Its interesting that the last two years I basically stopped writing. As if life suddenly stopped. Well it didn't stop, it just got messy. Which is why I should have probably kept writing. Perhaps I could have gotten some perspective, a few f' you's or a few it will be okay talks. Instead I do what I do best, I built a wall around my self and attempted to hide. Well that is like trying to hid in a mailbox while my ass hangs out. Just not possible. Over the past two years I have made mistakes and even become a person even i didn't recognize. I seperated from Lance after 11 years of marriage; had a boyfriend that was also married (no hate mail please! I get it!). Attempted to do everything possible to keep my kids safe and settled despite my current state of bobble head. Yes folks I was a total bobble head and at times continue to bobble my way through this debacl. There are things I do know, now that I didn't know then. I am much stronger than I ever thought. I left Lance with a plan, a place to go or a road map of how to get to the otherside. Provided there was another side? All I knew was I could not live that 'life' any longer; the problem was I didn't know what my new life would look like nor did I have any idea how to get there. So I did what any fancy girl would do, I decided to wing it! Mistake after glorious mistake. I say that now, but damn. I had nights of crying, praying for mercy, praying and praying more, and having my ass handed to me by the people I loved the most. My kids are good, despite me being their mom. They smile, they laugh, they get great grades and they still to this day teach me so much. The midget is 7 and going into the second grade. If she wasn't so darn cute, sassy n stubborn, I'd kill her! And my Ry is 12 and has gone through 3 girlfriends during his first yr of middle school. He had his first heartbreak and he shared it with me. I am beyond blessed. And at that time I was cleaning my own house of emotional maddness so as he told me about his break up, we cried together. He did not tell his dad, which warmed my heart. I did call his dad the next day to tell him, and told him to let Ry tell him in his own time. Ry by nature is soft - yes, even my tough little qb of the football team is soft to the core. Lance responded to me as I told him the story 'well, michelle I will just tell him that women are like parking spaces. Once one moves out, another moves in.' So yes folks, now you can see why we tip-toe around the things we share with Lance. UGH! I am going to try much harder to keep this up, to stay in this space despite any events going on in my life. Good, bad or indifferent. I am not sure what the rest of the summer or year has in store for me, but I sure hope I don't have to repeat any of my same mistakes! I hope I have taken enough time to learn the necessary lessons and gawd I hope the sun continues to shine and that I wake up and take the time to notice it. I've learned to keep things simple and take time for the small things....

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