Thursday, January 31, 2008

Better...but not great.

So last night the fever finally broke. She was fever free to most of the night and into the morning- yeah!!! She is snotty, and icky - but we are giving her an over the counter medicine for that. Did I mention that the medicine is gross, and makes her gag. Yeap, it gags her and then she pukes. NICE (not).
So last night I give her the medicine at 8pm, give her a milk cup and rocked her to sleep. I go to lay her in her bed, she has a coughing fit and puckes right in the middle of her bed. I am once again changing sheets, pillow cases, and Pj's. Yuck, yuck, yuck! *Did I mention that once i changed everything I just placed her in my bed. We will be starting from square one next week.
But on the bright side, the fever is gone.
Another bright side, hubby took off today to stay at home with her. Out of the blue, without being prompted -I wonder what he wants.....! So today Lance and Pyper are having a culinary affair, Lance is cooking Gumbo and Clam Chowder for the weekend.
Rylan is looking forward to being off school tomorrow, he is hoping they will get out early today. Ahh to be a kid again. Lance and Pyper will venture out today and look for a sled as preparation for tomorrow. Last time it snowed, Rylan used the lid to his toy box as a sled - it worked well, but he still wants his 'own'. You know a real one.
Pyper is getting stirr-crazy, she is putting on her socks & shoes two to three times a day begging to go. ' I go bye-bye...pse. I go..'. So this morning she puts her socks over her Pj's crams her fat foot into her shoes and comes around the corner to announce that she too is ready to go. I scoop her up, kiss her cheek and hand her to her dad. She was not happy about that one.
Rylan on the other hand is upset that he has to go, he wants to stay home with his dad, and lounge around.

Work is getting better, apparently karma is taking its toll on a few issues at work. A few individuals are getting a good swift kick of KARMA, and from the looks of it they must have been pretty BAD in the past. I am not a patient person, I hate to wait. But waiting has paid off in my office and change is in the air. Ahh, change and snow.

This weekend, we are going to Mardi Gras. I know I am a bad mom, Pyper has been sick all week. But I had this planned a month ago. Plus she is getting better (this is me justifying my actions).
Lance's brother / sister in law want to keep our kids...actually they called last night to make sure we were not going to rob them of the opportunity. They know the sickness that has been running through our house hold. They still want to keep the kids. They used to the term 'don't rob us of this opportunity'.
Plus it is just for one day/night.....just one. If Pyper keeps making her way fever free and feeling better, and IF she goes to day-care tomorrow then we are Mardi Gras bound.
If Pyper takes a turn for the worst, then my butt will be staying home. I won't send her feeling bad.....the next 24 hours are critical. Plus I think our room downtown is non-refunable.
I guess if worse comes to worse we could all just go stay overnight downtown, and use the pool. :)
time will tell.
Safe travels today and tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Near the end?

Well it is hump day, and the week has been from hell. Sunday Pyper and Lance were REALLY sick. Both ended up staying home Monday, therefore I made it to work. Pyper is not any better. Here fever yesterday was 103.6 - I could have cried. That is scary and dangerous. I took her to the doctor and he said she has rosieollia (sp), basically a virus. A virus that causes a small rash (check), a high fever (check), and dry patchy skin (check). He indicated this should last 4 to 7 days. Yesterday was day 4 and today is day 5 - this morning she had 102.1 fever. Still way to high for a two year old.
My sassy two year old is down and out, she is not eating. Actually she has not eaten anything to speak of in three days. I am worried and sick to my stomach over it all. Luckily she IS drinking. She is drinking alot, water, juice, milk (when she does not have a fever).
I continue to keep her close, and that means in my bed, so I can wake her up every 4 hrs to give her the much needed drugs.
Aside from me her next source of comfort is Shreik. We watch Shriek 3 to 4 times a day. After this sickness is over, I will burn the DVD. She is obsessed with Shreik and I am tired of the big green ogre. Why are we not watching Bambi, Cinderella, or Snow White....no my kids prefer the ear wax, big green guy. Well at least it provides her some source of comfort for now.
I am ready for everyone to start feeling well. Keeping our fingers crossed this will be our last day.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Flu, fever and ick..

So I guess it was best that we did not go to the country this weekend. Pyper ended up sick on Saturday (late) afternoon. She has gotten progressively worse, and on top of it Lance has gotten it too. Pyper has a fever that I cannot seem to break, luckily she is not puking, she is drinking, but not eating. I took her to the Walgreen's clinic yesterday, just to make sure I was not missing anything. I am giving her Tylenol & Motrin (piggy-back), and mucinx. Upon arrival at the clinic I found out they don't take my husbands insurance, therefore it would have been cheaper to go to the urgent care. Apparently some insurance carriers do not recognize a nurse practicanor. ugh.
*But we were already in the office, and Pyper looked SO bad, so we will just pay the bill. A bill that diagnoses a virus, apparently a virus the could last 4 to 7 days. They did swab her for streep throat, it came back negative. By mid-afternoon I had Lance and Pyper looking sickly, and feeling like crap.

Early afternoon we did venture down to the dog parade, where i held Pyper in the back-pack or the sling. She sleept thru most of it.

This morning Rylan woke up coughing, and saying his arm hurt. *he too wanted to stay home. I am not sure what his arm has to do with anything, other than it was the first body part he could find. Him and I got dressed and made our way to school & work accordingly. I am sure I will be out tomorrow caring for Pyper. And perhaps myself. I fear this sickness must run it course, and will probably infest all of us at some point and time.
As far as the sleep issue with Pyper goes, I threw it all away with her being sick. We stuck to the couch, snuggled up most of the weekend. All she wanted was for me to hold her, nothing else. I had to wake her up every 4 hours to give her medicine, in an effort to control her fever. We will work on getting her back in her bed when she feels well. In the meantime, we will comfort her by holding her, and staying close. I left her and her father on the couch this morning. Both looking feverish, and awful.

The ickies are running rampant in our house. Keeping our fingers crossed we can regain our health soon.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Weekend - what to do??

So the weekend is 'almost' here.
Lance and Rylan are headed to the country tonight to see Lance's dad. I have opted to stay home with Pyper. We will stay home for a few reasons.
1) Pyper is still not sleeping all night, and we have to share a bed with her at Grandpa's house.
2) Since grandpa lost his lovely wife this past November, he is less tolerant of my screaming two year old. Actually, I think there are times he wants her to just go away.
3) I don't feel like packing to go, I have housework and laundry calling my name.
I 'think' Lance & Rylan will leave this evening, therefore they will be gone two nights. I will try to persuade them to stay tonight - I secretly hate to sleep alone.

Sunday we are planning on attending the dog parade http://www.mardigrasinc.com/2008Events/Beggin-Strips-Barkus-Pet-Parade.aspx in Soulard. Weather permitting* we go every year.

We won't have our own dog this year, but it is a blast to watch all of the animals (mostly dogs). I have seen cats, a camel, geese - all walk in the dog parade. The wiener dog races are pretty fun. My kids love this parade, plus we have friends in Soulard right along the parade route. Friends living in Soulard is nice, because we have a place to stay warm and go potty.

This year Lance and I are going to Mardi Gras- we have sitter, and I have booked us a room downtown (so we dont' have to drive :) ). Keeping our fingers crossed that the weather breaks for Sunday and next weekend. A photo of our last Mardi Gras together.






Tomorrow Pyper and I may go hang out at Boarders or the play area at the mall. She is not a shopper, and is a bit terrible at almost 2. None the less we will need to get out of the house....
Anything going on around town?? I am open to ideas for a Saturday afternoon.

On good days we venture to the Soulard Farmers Market http://stlouis.missouri.org/citygov/soulardmarket/, but once again I fear it will be too cold to get food and play on the playground. um. Here's praying for warmer weather.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Update- Hospital Stay..

I get home last night around 5pm to see Rylan before he leaves for the hospital (his appt is at 7pm). Our faces meet and he begins crying. He says 'Mom, I don't want to go, I am scared'.
My heart drops. I reassure him that this will be simple and easy. Plus he can bring a pillow, a movie and his Monster truck. He seems distracted for the moment getting his additional items.

Around 6pm Lance loads up to get ready to go. Rylan is hesitant. I hug him, give him a reassuring kiss and send him on his way. He heads to the garage, less than one minute later he is back inside, crying. I look at him, he says' Mom, I don't want to go....'
I promise him it is just one night, I show him yesterdays blog, with the girl hooked up and reassure him it will be fine. He will look like a robot, he can tell his friends, it will be cool.

He goes back to the car, semi comforted.
I call the hospital at 8pm, because no one has called me.
sidebarr-*I am at home WAITING for a call. Duh.

Lance picks up the phone laughing telling someone in the back round that it is his wife 'and she cannot stand not knowing'.
*yeah, yeah
Lance said they just finished hooking up Rylan. Lance is snickering, commenting how funny Rylan looks. (Why did I send Lance??). I ask to speak to Rylan.

He gets on the phone and is chipper. 'Hey mom, I look pretty cool. I had dinner at Hardee's and now I am watching a movie.'
Me - ' so are you going to be okay?'
Rylan 'Yeah, why?'
Me, feeling much better ' No reason. have a good night. I luv you'.

This morning at 6am, I begin trying the cell phone. No answer until 8am. I swear Lance likes making me wait. Finally, I get him to answer. Rylan did fine. Results in 10 days and we will go from there. Rylan made it to school, after he went home to shower. Lance said his hair was sticky from the pads they placed on his head.
It will be nice to have my family home tonight.






*This photo always makes me smile. The story behind Lance having a Mo-hawk is for another time.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Sleep Test...tonight.

Tonight my son and his father will pack up and head to Children's Hospital for a sleep test. Rylan has sleep apnea, from his cleft. I have put this test off for as long as possible. It has been easier for me not to think about hospitals and surgery. During Rylan's first 13mths of life he had 3 surgeries the longest one lasting 4 plus hours. His first surgery was at 8 weeks old and I am thankful we live in an area that has a Children's hospital, but freaked out by the thought of subjecting my child to ongoing surgeries.






Rylan before any surgery.....


Rylan Today!!

It is a fact the Rylan will have several more surgeries through out his life time, this we know. But the last few years we have had some down time, and it has been nice. The first two surgeries I watched as the orderlies took my son from my arms, he screamed and cried as they walked thru the double doors and into the surgery room. The last few surgeries I have opted to actually take him back and hold him while he is put under. Each situation comes with its own drama. But I will keep going back with him, because it keeps him calm.
Tonight should be pretty much no big deal....they will hook him up to a bunch of wires and watch / listen to him sleep. I pray they don't recommend surgery, but in the back of my mind I know they will. I found this photo on-line.

If this test results in surgery this will be the goal to close a gap in his air way. The surgery is called Pharyngeal Flap, us non-doctor people call it a P-flap surgery.

Here is his mouth now (before surgery) the second photo is an after photo.
The goal is to close his airway. Nothing about stitches in the mouth is easy. When the repaired his palate he had approx 150 stitches in the roof of his mouth.

*Keeping our fingers crossed that the testing tonight goes smoothly, and does not result in surgery. Any warm thoughts or prayers sent in my son's direction would be greatly appreciated.











Monday, January 21, 2008

Weekend...cold!

Would someone PLEASE turn up the heat. I was friggn' cold this weekend. The cold weather led us to hibernate inside our little home. Our home felt even smaller once my sisters 4 kids joined us for the night.
Friday night I went out around 8pm and met up with my sister for some much needed down time. This 'bad' mood has been lingering around me for the last three weeks, I call it 'winter'. So in an effort find my happy place I went out. It is pretty easy to locate your happy place when drinks are involved. I danced, I laughed, I smiled and surrounded my self with strangers who didn't know me from Eve. Ahh, good times. This good time was brought to a complete hault once I walked thru the threshold of my house. I come bee-poping in around 1am only to find Lance and Pyper in the rocking chair. Buzz Kill!~

Pyper leaps out of her fathers lap and cries until she locates my leg. Yeah, the leg that smells like the bar I was just at. Yeah, the leg that is holding me up - sort of. I drag Pyper any myself into the bed room to locate my pj's, in the mean time Lance has high tailed it back to bed. Figures. I grab Pyper a milk cup and just place her sassy but in the middle of my bed. One good night out (two steps forward), putting Pyper in my bed (five steps back).

We are all up by 6:30 am on Saturday. Why? Who knows and who cares. Who really gets up this early on the weekend? I would not technically say I was up, I snuggled on the couch placed a cover over my head and put on Sat morning cartoons for my two kids. Silently praying for two more hours of sleep.
By mid afternoon our house was hustling and bustling with kids, lots of kids. It felt like an episode of the Brady Bunch...








In preparation of having a min-daycare I bought games, finger paints and we rented movies. The kids range from 8 to 2yrs old. We had kids everywhere, in the computer room, in the playroom, in front of the TV etc. And as hectic as it sounds it was great. My kids loved having the company and I loved that they were distracted.
We had pizza, corn, juice boxes, cookies, etc. Feeding 6 kids and two adults at a table that seats 4 is a bit of challenge, but we figured it out. Bathing 6 kids was a learning experience. Normally they show up in their pj's to stay the night, but I asked for them early this time. Bath time took approx 2 hours, multiple baths and multiple showers.

By 7:30 the 4 yr old was tired. We made a palate on the floor in front of the TV, put in the movie and held each tired child (4 & under) until they went to sleep. August was the first one out, she was carefully placed on the palate. Lance took Grant and they sat together on the couch, I took Pyper to the rocking chair while the three older kids ate popcorn and waited for the 'babies' to go to bed. This way they could 'really' do what they wanted. ha!

By 9:30 everyone was asleep. 6 kids sleeping soundly, bathed and fed - who knew? Paige the oldest asked if she could sleep on the couch, not the palate. Why? Because she always has to share her bed and the couch was free. So Paige made her way to the couch, grabbed the softest pillow and grinned from ear to ear. Rylan and Payton both 6 lay side by side, grasping their webkins with feet intertwined. Lance and stood there looking at all 6 kids recounting the day, and smiled. During our second breath, we thanked god we don't have 6 kids.








Friday, January 18, 2008

Middle of the night.

Friday, and Starbucks that seems to be the highlight of my day.
Last night Pyper did really well sleeping, but her brother seemed to have gotten chocked up and pucked in his bed at 3am. Yeah, right smack in the middle of his bed.
I have bat ears in the middle of the night, I sleep with one eye open and one ear to the floor.
I hear Rylan gasping, which is semi normal due to his sleep apnea then suddenly I hear a gagging sound. I leap out of bed *I should wear a cape to bed - I swear I could jump tall buildings .
I leap out of bed and race to reach the child, now projecting his dinner into the middle of his bed. OMG.
I turn around and go back to bed * no, not to lay back down; but to wake up Lance.

I push Lance once, twice and by time number three I am shoving him. 'wake up - Rylan is puking and I need your help'.

I rush back to Rylan who is whimpering and whining at this point. Lance lags behind, scratching his butt and trying to become oriented.
I help Rylan down from the top bunk and send his butt to the bathroom directly across the way. I instruct Lance to get me a trash bag * I am throwing EVERYTHING away.





I grasp a pillow to remove the case and chunks hit my arm, I am grossed out and begin to gag.
***The whole time I am thinking, please don't wake Pyper up too!!!
I drop the pillow, because I am disgusted and make my way to the bathroom with the boy. The boy is placed at the sink, looking pitiful "mom can I have a drink?'
Me ' yeah, turn on the water and grab a cup.' duh. I do a quick wash of the arm, and put my game face back on.
I give him a new set of clothes and make my way back to the bed to begin to tackle this mess. Lance finally arrives only to state, we are out of trash bags. I look at him amazed - what would you really do if I was not here??
I twirl around to find a trash can downstairs, with a bag in it. I take out the half full bag and hand it to Lance 'tah-dah, trash bag. Now throw the sheets & pillows in the bag. Trash all of it trash.'
Rylan hears this and begins ' NO. not my hot-wheels sheets. Don't throw those away.'
Mentally I am not prepared to sit at the sink and rinse out these sheets and after the pillow chunks, it too is history.
Me ' I will get you new sheets I promise.' Rylan, 'no, mom. Santa brought them for me'.
Me 'I promise I will get you new ones - please!!'
I give Lance the go motion * you know the head nod that sends him in that direction.

I find Rylan's camouflage sheets and he seems content or too tired - who knows and who cares at this point.
Lance grabs the sheet off the top bunk and places it in the trash can, only it seeps on to the floor as well. Mentally I am preparing to have to wash everything down, this now includes the floor.
I make up the bottom bunk for Rylan and instruct him to get in bed. He returns with ' I am hungry.'
All together now GROSS. Lance is not phased by most of the events leads the kid up stairs to find him a snack. I am too wrapped up in clean up mode to pay attention.

But as a side note 'who really eats right after to lose their dinner?'
Apparently the men in my house. ugh.

I convince myself that him eating again will let me know if he is sick or just got chocked. Because the stomach flu is going around.
By 4am, they have eaten and a new bed is made, comforter in the wash, Rylan back in bed and I snuggle down. Guess who wakes up...
Yeap, god is punishing me. I am convinced he HATES me. Pyper wakes up to get out of her bed. I struggle with her for another 1/2 hour.
Here was my drive to work...




Highlight - Rylan did keep his second snack down, and went to school today.





Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Wrath..


Okay so last night was IT, I lost it. I yelled and screamed until I thought I was going to cry, but alias no tears would come -instead I just got angry. Anger seems to my only mood lately, and that makes me angry (vicious cycle). I need something to give, something other than me.

I have been telling lance for weeks now that I have alot of my plate at the moment. As normal he acts as if he hears me, but then continues to ignore the situation. This is his MO - if I ignore the situation then it will go away.

I stay at work late last night, in lieu of the pending audit. I have to stop off to get diapers, wipes, shampoo, etc - all of those nice things that keep the household going around. You know the things no one else thinks about. If I did not buy the toilet paper, how would these people wipe their butts. And since I have kids, I don't hold them responsible. But Lance could do something other than cook. I get home late last night to find Rylan playing playstation, Pyper watching Shreik, Lance on the couch and nothing done. NOTHING done. No one had a shower, no homework, no dinner, no laundry, no dishes etc. NOTHING.

I scream downstairs at Rylan for him to turn off the playstation and get a shower. I glare at Lance. I begin to undress Pyper and find pj's, pull out homework, look for dinner, switch out laundry etc. Lance asks ' When are we going to the grocery store?'

Me ' We? You mean all of us? OMG.'

Lance 'yeah'.

Me ' The kids have not had showers, it is 7pm, nor have they had dinner or done homework. We all cannot go tonight'.
I am not proud of my actions, but I am stubborn. Angry words shot out of my mouth, only to be met by further angry words from Lance. Two people go to bed angry, not talking, not touching. The Depew house has hit rock bottom...the kids stood in shock trying to determine what was really going on. Rylan laid a soft hand on my thigh, to remind me he was in the room. I looked down and met his eyes only to be ashamed. Pyper stood in the center of the kitchen, forcing a smile looking at the both of us. Hoping that her presence would lighten the mood.
As adults we took the que. The 'save it for later' que. The ' not in front of the kids' que. So here we are one day later, not talking or acknowledging each others existence.

I am not sure how we got the title 'adults'?

I have asked Lance very clearly - 'I need you to talk to, and with me - not at me.'

He does not hear anything beyond 'talk'. He shuts down. If my voice raises, then it is met with his MAN voice. You know the one that is suppose to put me in my place. Then tempers begin flying.

So here I am...



Sinopsis
What it is: Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.



Why you do it: You're wired for it. Also, the people around you are pretty damn irritating. (NOTE- I am wired for it, and people are irritating - they know me too well)

Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be dismembered alive.
(note - can you take my head first....).

I am working late tonight, to get stuff done and half avoiding going home. I just don't want to be there just yet.

Waiting for my life to become Cheery again.








Monday, January 14, 2008

Home...

Today is a 'me' day. I struggled all morning with whether or to stay home and take care of myself. I got up, got dressed, dressed the kids, dropped them off made it half way to work and then turned around. I know enough about myself to know when I am maxed out, and frankly, I am MAXED out.
So now here I am wrapped up in my robe w/ a nice cup of coffee, and what do I hear? Nothing. I forgot what my house sounded like with no one in it. I must admit, I am a bit lonely. However I am more tired than lonely. I will pick up a little, do laundry and sleep. Pyper's sleeping cycle, or lack there of, has taken it toll on me physically and emotionally. Today is a day at home, my home with just me. I felt guilty dropping her off, knowing I could actually spend the day with her, but that was a fleeting thought once I saw how excited she was to see the other kids.

The sleeping technique - making her sleep in her own bed was sabotaged over the weekend. We went to the country to see Lance's dad, and Pyper and I ended up sharing a bed. Therefore I stared at square one again last night.
Over the weekend I did have a lovely couple of hours with my grandma 'sweetie', and a nice chat with my mother. Both of these occasions are note worthy, because I rarely see my grandma, since she has started dating. And my mother, well there are times when we just cannot see eye to eye.
Here's to hoping a little me time, puts me back on track.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Thursday.

I drive home last night, and feel a sense of relief. The week is almost over, and we are all still alive. Yes, being alive does constitute as an accomplishment at my house. I apparently kill everything but my children. I don't do plants or anything else that may require attention. Domestic goddess is not on my list. My husband did NOT marry me for my domestic skills. I hate cooking, laundry, cleaning etc. I could burn water. I get the laundry done, only to have it sit on top of the washing machine (Practically begging someone to put it away).

The laundry 'may' make its way upstairs, where it finds a lovely home on the guest bed. There it sits for a week while family members search thru it for miscellaneous items. The socks go in a basket, because I don't match socks. I hate socks, I buy everyone the same socks so I don't have to match them. I prefer to spend my time doing something else.

I sweep and vacuum every night...because I hate to have things stick to my feet (raisins, cookies et). My children 6 & 1 walk around the house eating snacks, part of the hazard in having kids. My house is 'lived' in. Perhaps sloppy at times, but not dirty. I end up putting the clothes away once I cannot stand to look at them. Hubby does all of the cooking and shopping, he is a foodie, we luv the food-network. I have known crush on Anthony Bourdain http://www.anthonybourdain.com/ hubby knows that I stay up late to watch this man travel around the world drinking and eating.
Back to the house.....I got off track 'thinking' about Mr. Bourdain.
I have started to encourage the rest of the family to 'help'. Hubby limits his help to the yard and cooking. Not much beyond that....
As much as he likes the fact that I am 'working women' he still thinks we should have traditional roles. Does that make sense? He is not a pig about it, actually I don't even think he knows he is doing it. But I there are times I feel as if I work twice as hard as he does....and still feel as if I didn't accomplish much.
So last night, I inform them that I changed our son's ortho appt to April rather than January. This news was met with a big 'Why?'.
I looked a bit shocked and stated 'because they shut 40 down, and Brentwood current sucks and I am a bit busy (budget, audit etc). Unless of course you want to take off one day for the next 3 weeks to take our son.'
He states 'You know I cannot do that.'
Me 'That's right, you cannot, and I will in April. We have one appt to install a spacer, another appt to make a mold, and a third appt to install the W extender. '
I continue - 'speaking of dr. appts we have an appt for a sleep study at children's late this month. I was thinking about canceling it, but I have noticed that he (the son) does stop breathing at night. '
Lance ' Yeah, he needs to go. I will take him'.
Me ' You will have to stay all night.'
Lance 'you know I cannot do that.'
Me ' Yes, I KNOW. So if you cannot stay at the hospital then you will have to go in late, because you will have to take Pyper to the sitter in the morning. One or the other.'
At this point I should have stopped, while i was ahead. But that would be too easy.
I continue with ' I need alittle help around here'. *mind you he is cooking dinner.
He seems to know what is coming next.....
Lance ' what do you want?'
Me ' you choose - toilets, tub, floors, laundry, dish washer. These all need some attention tonight.'
Lance he screws up his face ' Michelle, I am really tired can we let some of it go until tomorrow?'
Me ' fine.' Knowing full well that once everyone was in bed by 8:30, I would get it done.

Sleeping update:
Pyper did better last night with the whole sleeping in your own bed struggle. She woke up twice. I put her back down and sit in the rocking chair next to her bed. If I leave the room she is hysterical, if I sit close and pat her back she goes back to bed. ugh.
On this topic, I hate this! She wakes up crying 'upy, mommy. upy (up). dnk (drink) mulk pse (drink of milk, please).' I quietly respond 'no Pyper needs to go nite, nite.' Every part of me wants to pick her up, hold her close and make it all okay. I feel as if I am breaking her spirit to get this accomplished. I feel as if I am beating her down, rather than helping her. She is a big girl, but still so little. Most nights I cry as I sit in the rocking chair next to her. I leave her for 9 hrs a day, only to spend bedtime fighting with her. Guilt is an ugly emotion.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Thoughts...

A few things have been weighing heavy on my mind such as ;

I have been struggling to get my family to attend church. I have 'found' a church that I enjoy attending http://www.hrcoc.com/(HrCoc), it happens to be run by http://www.mamalogues.com/ father-in-law. I have been attending on/off for the last 2 1/2 years. We travel every other weekend, so I am lucky to attend once a month. This equates to approx 12 times a year. It is like pulling teeth to get my husband to attend, then my son follows suite. *Disclaimer: I am not here to shove religion down your throat....I have spent alot of years searching for a place that I liked. (Baptist, Catholic, Buddhism, Jehovah witness etc). My soul seems to rest easy here. I want for my family to go, my children to learn / love god, and receive a sense of direction.
So the other night hubby and I were in bed talking about a few struggles we have encountered lately, and i brought this one up. Stating ' you really need to come with me at least once a month. our children need to see their dad at church, and I could use the help (2 / 6 yrs old).' He responds, 'Michelle, I don't really believe.' My face falls, i think - oh, no.
He continues 'Michelle, powers to be, faith and all that stuff. I am not into it. When you die, I think you just sit in the ground and that is all.'
I silently pray for wisdom.... I know this comes from the recent loss of his step-mother and the future loss of his father (who is 78). I know his heart was hurt, but I did not expect it to be hardened. I firmly believe that it is part of my job, to teach my children about religion. Whichever one I choose to embrace. I refuse to fail at this job, therefore my kids will attend HrCoc.
Lance continues on about how he hated that his mom made him go to church. I responded, 'that gave you the tools to make decisions as you got older, and taught you how to sit quietly (for an hour), and learn about god. Your mother allowed you to make the decision not to go to church as you got older. We must give our children the same guidance.' He nods his head in agreement and verbally agreed to go with me. I pray that as he goes, he begins to find some peace. His struggles with god currently weight heavily on my mind.

My sister... I love her dearly, but feel really disconnected from her lately. I hate it. She has hit this phase of going out. I don't fault her for going out, I LUV to go out. She has taken it to what I view to be the extreme. Out every weekend, drinking and driving, flirting excessivly etc. There are several levels of concern, and I don't want to judge - so where does that put me? She is a mother of 4, and her childern are taken care of, her husband doesn't mind that she goes - do I really have the 'right' to be so concerned? Or is there a level of jealousy on my part, perhaps a bit of both.

work....this is a hard one. I don't feel my job is done here yet. But is it worth it? I am not here to just be the boss, I do it because I like my job and I am good at what I do. I just happen to run a department. I refuse to sell my soul, I would rather lose my job than my integerity. Today I walked into my office and my assistant came in, closed the door and began crying. She is upset 'for me'. I ask her to please not carry my burden. Just pray that I make good decisions, don't act with a knee-jerk response (which is HARD for me), and ask that I receive some guideance. I am tredding in unknown territory. There are several levels of clear discrimination, bullying, and lying going on around my work, do I stay to try to correct it? Do I stay and stand up? I keep standing up, hoping that they will recognize that I cannot be bullied. Is it worth the emotional tournment? Yesterday I would have said no, today I think so. we will see.

My kids...um. I really am suprised that 'god' lets us raise kids - ha. There are times I really don't know what I am doing. I find my self so amazed at them, and find it hard to believe they really are a part of me. Perhaps the are the best part of me and help me to realize without them I really would be a lost soul. I was ment to raise kids, and ment to raise them with Lance, this I know. We really are in a trial and error stage....I am not sure we will ever get out of. I just pray they make it thru it all fairly unscaved and good people. Is that too much to ask?
With all of these issues, I have to say I am glad I am in it with lance. There is no other place I would rather be....I find comfort in that.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Defeated....

I feel defeated today....
I have been trying a 'supernanny' technique. You know the one where you leave your child in their own bed when they wake-up in the middle of the night. Well we had two (fairly) successful nights of Pyper waking up, me laying her back down -soothing her back and keeping her in her bed. Rather than scooping her up and placing her in my bed between hubby and myself. Last night, well not so successful - actually it sucked! Damn this child is HARD. I was up 4 plus times and the last time lasted for 1 1/2 hrs (3 to 4:30AM). As I am up, I feel my self becoming REALLY frustrated with the situation....I pray for grace, and patience. All I seem to get is frustrated. So by 4:30 i give in and place her in my bed. Defeated!! She snuggles up next to me, begins her normal ritual of Chinese torture (hair pulling) and is asleep in no time. This morning I wake up with a bald spot (via the hair pulling) and bags under my eyes. I debate on whether or not to let her sleep. The evil mom thinks 'wake the child up, she should have to suffer too'. Then the reasonable mom thinks ' no! grab a cup of coffee, and get semi-ready before you start to deal with the devil child.' So I let them sleep in. I am half jealous of their sleeping souls, resting so peacefully. I can hear them breath, so softly with out a care in the world. Jealous, much? Yes I am.
On a second note, I am FIGHTING with my boss at work AGAIN. This is becoming a pattern, and rather exhausting. He is a lier and will apparently would sell his soul to keep his job. Actually I think he is getting kick-backs, but have yet to prove it. He has given the indicated that I must have 'misunderstood his intentions' regarding his request for me to pay a contractor that went over a 'not to exceed' amount. um. There was no gray area, he ASKED me too. Then he changes an invoice amount and instructed my office to pay over the invoice amount. I challenged him on it, and said NO. So where does that put me? At odds with my boss. Is it better to have a job and sell your soul? I would rather have my integrity. I hate playing hard-ball with the big boys - it may cost me my job. Will it be worth it? I guess we will just have to wait and see...
I have not read any article where the whistle blower actually came out on top. In the mean time I will keep my penis in the jar next to my desk and take it out whenever the boys want to play. Apparently boobs are not allowed. Whatever! Maybe back in the 1950's.....
To be continued...
DEFEATED today, but not dead in the water. Praying for wisdom and grace to get thru this one successfully. Or perhaps I will just take a mental health day, take some time to regroup (& drink / sleep). :)

Monday, January 7, 2008

Finally Back....I think.


Here are a few photo's of my New Years and Christmas..... I am glad it is over.

Joey & Tiffany (New Years Eve)
Me & my sister (Misty) Hotel room before going out!







Misty getting ready.....





Rylan and his new BBgun.
Angie, Lance and Misty.
Pyper unwrapping gifts.





Kids looking out the window waiting for Santa......








My Aunt Diana




Pyper on the phone.....





Kids making x-mas ordinaments.







All the kids - my brothers (3), my sisters (4), my (2) - nine grandbabies at home for x-mas.










Kids

Kids
Nieces & Nephews and Kids...