A few things have been weighing heavy on my mind such as ;
I have been struggling to get my family to attend church. I have 'found' a church that I enjoy attending http://www.hrcoc.com/(HrCoc), it happens to be run by http://www.mamalogues.com/ father-in-law. I have been attending on/off for the last 2 1/2 years. We travel every other weekend, so I am lucky to attend once a month. This equates to approx 12 times a year. It is like pulling teeth to get my husband to attend, then my son follows suite. *Disclaimer: I am not here to shove religion down your throat....I have spent alot of years searching for a place that I liked. (Baptist, Catholic, Buddhism, Jehovah witness etc). My soul seems to rest easy here. I want for my family to go, my children to learn / love god, and receive a sense of direction.
So the other night hubby and I were in bed talking about a few struggles we have encountered lately, and i brought this one up. Stating ' you really need to come with me at least once a month. our children need to see their dad at church, and I could use the help (2 / 6 yrs old).' He responds, 'Michelle, I don't really believe.' My face falls, i think - oh, no.
He continues 'Michelle, powers to be, faith and all that stuff. I am not into it. When you die, I think you just sit in the ground and that is all.'
I silently pray for wisdom.... I know this comes from the recent loss of his step-mother and the future loss of his father (who is 78). I know his heart was hurt, but I did not expect it to be hardened. I firmly believe that it is part of my job, to teach my children about religion. Whichever one I choose to embrace. I refuse to fail at this job, therefore my kids will attend HrCoc.
Lance continues on about how he hated that his mom made him go to church. I responded, 'that gave you the tools to make decisions as you got older, and taught you how to sit quietly (for an hour), and learn about god. Your mother allowed you to make the decision not to go to church as you got older. We must give our children the same guidance.' He nods his head in agreement and verbally agreed to go with me. I pray that as he goes, he begins to find some peace. His struggles with god currently weight heavily on my mind.
My sister... I love her dearly, but feel really disconnected from her lately. I hate it. She has hit this phase of going out. I don't fault her for going out, I LUV to go out. She has taken it to what I view to be the extreme. Out every weekend, drinking and driving, flirting excessivly etc. There are several levels of concern, and I don't want to judge - so where does that put me? She is a mother of 4, and her childern are taken care of, her husband doesn't mind that she goes - do I really have the 'right' to be so concerned? Or is there a level of jealousy on my part, perhaps a bit of both.
work....this is a hard one. I don't feel my job is done here yet. But is it worth it? I am not here to just be the boss, I do it because I like my job and I am good at what I do. I just happen to run a department. I refuse to sell my soul, I would rather lose my job than my integerity. Today I walked into my office and my assistant came in, closed the door and began crying. She is upset 'for me'. I ask her to please not carry my burden. Just pray that I make good decisions, don't act with a knee-jerk response (which is HARD for me), and ask that I receive some guideance. I am tredding in unknown territory. There are several levels of clear discrimination, bullying, and lying going on around my work, do I stay to try to correct it? Do I stay and stand up? I keep standing up, hoping that they will recognize that I cannot be bullied. Is it worth the emotional tournment? Yesterday I would have said no, today I think so. we will see.
My kids...um. I really am suprised that 'god' lets us raise kids - ha. There are times I really don't know what I am doing. I find my self so amazed at them, and find it hard to believe they really are a part of me. Perhaps the are the best part of me and help me to realize without them I really would be a lost soul. I was ment to raise kids, and ment to raise them with Lance, this I know. We really are in a trial and error stage....I am not sure we will ever get out of. I just pray they make it thru it all fairly unscaved and good people. Is that too much to ask?
With all of these issues, I have to say I am glad I am in it with lance. There is no other place I would rather be....I find comfort in that.