Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Just another day ?

nine years ago today, I went thru my morning as if it was just another day.
I remember attending class, it was a Saturday class and I had a final.
Lance and I were living in an apt in Webster Groves, and by the time I had made it home he was gone.

Growing up, I never wanted to be a princess, or get married and have a big wedding w/ all that stuff. I never really thought about the white picket fence, or if I did - I imagined the fence on fire. (ha!). I just was not that girl. I never really pictured myself with children, actually the thought of having a child terrified me. I could barely wipe my own a*s, how was I going to really take care of anyone else?? So the thought of having an actual wedding day left me a bit perplexed. It left me not really sure what to do with myself.

I was determined to take a bath, relax and enjoy being alone. I was going to enjoy being Michelle Bates for one last moment. I didn't have any real second thoughts about becoming Mrs. DePew later that afternoon, but I wasn't sure I was completely done being Ms. Bates. I luv'd my life, luv'd my then job, and was living life like a rock starr. I made my own money, got to travel and had a boyfriend that I totally dug. Plus during that time he traveled too, so when we final got to see each other we were super happy to be together. He was gone alot, on the road so it felt like one big date night all the time. The screeching halt came when the prego stick had two lines, he jumped for joy and I hesitated. Whoa mama.

So we jumped in with both feet, not completely unaware of who we were or what each of us stood for, there were no real surprises.

I take that back, there have been a few surprises.
Having Rylan sent us into a whirlwind, we were both rallying to keep some resemblance of our 'old' life. We had to muck thru that for awhile. Then buying a house and a car, like real adults. Then the idea of having a second child. Well, it was always his idea, but it took alot of coaxing for me. We have had good times and bad in our last 9 years.
More good than bad, I think.......no, I am sure.

That day I remember not being nervous, I remember nothing being conventional about the whole ordeal. I gave everyone a 3 week notice and by the time I informed my family (aka my mom), I had already booked the church, hired the singer, picked the date and gotten rings.
No amount of crying or whining on my mothers part would change the dynamics of the soon to be wedding. Well, one topic I did give in on was getting my own dress. In the beginning I was determined to just wear my sisters. The reality of it was, I was just going thru w/ the church gig to keep my mother semi-pacified. But in hind site I am glad we did have a church wedding.
And now that my sister has 3 girls and I have 1 perhaps we both needed our own dress as well. (yes, that is my small way of telling my mother she was right *cring*).

As much as i hated it at the time, 9 years later I look back on that day and I smile.
My father got to walk me down the isle, my mother got to cry in public (ha!), my family surrounded us in support in luv and we have plenty of memories to share with my children.

Today we spent our evening talking about our day, cooking dinner and hanging out with our children. If you would have told me that 9 years ago, this would be life, I would have laughed. Prob. out loud and hard - big o'laugh. But today, it seems natural, it seems comforable, safe and secure. Being married to someone that you still dig and luv takes some work, but for the most part it comes together like a zipper, one notch at a time, but seamless and tight The zipper that holds together the memories of our life, the fabric of our being.

Nine year ago today I said 'I do' to becoming Mrs. DePew. It is one of the best choices I have ever made. So for you, it may have been just another day - but today was my Anniversary..
The day I gave up being Ms. Bates and became Mrs. DePew. If I had to give up my madien name and my old life, then I guess this gig is not too bad.........nope, not to shabby at all. It is a work in progress, we take it one day at a time. Praying for a life time of love and happiness. Praying that the good days get us through the bad.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Old enough?

My 8 yr old has an email account...
My 8 yr old has decided he wants long hair (like Jeff Hardy - the wrestler).

This has me wondering who is really running things - apparently not me :).
I review his email, see who and what is going on. You like a concerned, engaged parent should do. But I must admit - I find it odd. He was even IM'ing the other night w/ the neighbor girl.
So as he sits in his boxers typing with his little 8 yr old fingers, I envision him being 15. Not wanting me to look over his shoulder, not wanting to share his emails with me. I am a bit horrified, so I soak up these moments when he thinks I am okay to see HIS stuff.

BTW - he keeps asking for a damn phone. Why? Who in the hell is he going to call. I am adamant about not getting him a phone. Well, that was until Lance took him to the Savis center last month and left Rylan and another kid in their seats while he went to smoke. While Lance was gone some drunk guy sat next to him and started eating his popcorn. The guy was still there when Lance got back and boys had moved two rows behind the guy - they were afraid. It times like this, when I wish I had given him a phone.

Okay moving on - Long hair. It has been my experience that every boy goes thru this stage. I saw it with my husband, with my brother and even once w/ my dad (that makes me giggle). But at 8 - ugh. There is this wrestler w/ REALLY long hair, that Rylan luv's. So now he has decided that he is NOT going to get a hair cut.
How do I go from a Mohawk, which entails alot of hair cuts - to not wanting to get one at all??
Rylan has football photo's this weekend and I told him last night ' you need a hair cut'.
His response 'no.'
I shot him a look and said 'yes.'
He was just as strong back to me 'No.'
I walked away and shook my head, trying to decide if this is really a fight worth fighting......
I don't know yet. I figure he may get really tired of trying to get long hair once his hair is fluffy, I may just wait him out.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Request:

So folks do me a favor, and don't read this blog if you find it to be full of drama, exaggerations or anything in between.

If you find it not be to YOUR specifications than I recommend the following:
1) start your own - you may find it therapeutic
2) get a life, and realize I use this avenue for ME - I believe I have said that a time or two.
3) don't come by - don't swing by, don't read the nonsense
4) or comment when something really does not sit well
*unless of course it is easier to grip about it but not let me know.*

I am very tired these days, in case you haven't noticed.
I am tried of the nonsense, tired of the crap.
If you have something to say to me, then do me a favor and let me know.
Write me, call me or come by.
If you think I am crap, say so.
If you were mad a month ago, then let me know a month ago - not today.

I have used this avenue to vent, but it has been so much more than that for me.
I have written to my kids, put my fears out there, and even made some very good friends.

It seems funny to me that I only hear from my family when they are upset about me writing about them - but I never hear from them if a post was good, or written from my heart about things going on in my life. I would consider that convenient.

Secondly they let me know that some of the items on the blog were inappropriate - but won't say which ones, nor do they comment when they find it. They wait, like little school kids for the right time to pounce and beat me down. classy.

I am no longer going to play it safe, for my families sake. Because in the end it does not matter. I have tried to be gentle, tried to be fair, tried to hinder my thoughts - which by the way are MINE solely. And in case you have not notice I am entitled to them, in the same manner you are.

So as you rack up your tally list of my wrong doings, just be comforted that I am fully aware of what they are, and I OWN them. The flaws you point out in me, I accept and I carry the guilt for them and I must live with them. As I get on my high horse and ride off into the sunset with my perfect little family, perfect job, and perfect little life - just know that you know nothing about me. Which is the way you prefer it. But do me a favor and don't make it up as you go along, things are not as they appear from the outside. You make and more and more clear that you are less interested in getting to know me, but don't mind taking the jab when you see the door wide open.

We have spent alot of years going thought motions, but not really getting to know each other and not really supporting each other. I luv you, I pray for you, and I miss you dearly. I am sad beyond words at the most recent chain of events, I have shed many tears - but in the same token I am not sorry for any of my actions. As we go thought the motions it becomes more and more clear how you feel about me, it just would have been nice if you could have shared those thoughts the day you had them and not during some fight.

I take ownership of my part in letting all of us get so far apart. I have 110 excuses not to make time to work on our relationship, friendship and family foundation. I am not the martyr, I have made mistakes - I have tried to learn from them. I have repeated most of them time and time again. don't paint me out to be someone I am not. As you point out my flaws, do you ever take the time to remember any of the good? Or is our relationship so tainted that you can wrap me up in a bow of nonsense.

I keep locked away in my heart the times we were children, the times that make me laugh and smile. The times when we did support each other, when we did lean on each other and when the walls build around us were easier to break through.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Sometimes...

Sometimes being a sister is tough.
Sometimes it is hard to stand on the sidelines and keep ones mouth shut.
Sometimes you want to be so hopeful.
Sometimes you break and say harsh things.
Sometimes you place a wedge between each other you dont' know how to remove.
Sometimes you don't recognize the person you are looking at.
Sometimes your heart breaks.
Sometimes you cry.
Sometimes you miss the person standing right next to you.
Sometimes you just have to wait for time to heal.
Sometimes you pray a little harder
Sometimes I just don't understand.
Sometimes I fail at not being judgemental
Sometimes I fail.......
Sometime loving a person is not enough.
Sometimes there are just no words.

Friday, September 11, 2009

27 yrs old

The things kids say:

So the other night, Rylan was asking for money to buy a DSI.

I looked at him and said 'you got any money?'
He looked shocked and replied ' no.'
I replied 'well, it looks like you will have to wait until you get a job. You still owe us for the DS we just bought from A. Misty last month.'
*mind you in order to pay off the DS, he agreed to empty the bathroom trash can, put his clothes away, and take the big trash out to the can. He is 8 - so these chores are appropriate in my mind*.

With a total serious face he looked at me and said ' you mean I have to wait until I am 27 before I can buy anything.'
I laughed out loud ' you mean you are not going to get a job until you are 27?'
Him ' well, yeah.'
Me 'um, you have another thing coming. You had better have a job and move out by 27. '
Rylan ' well, 27 is when I am suppose to be really grown up.'
Me : laughing out loud. Thinking to myself - this kid is never going to move out.
God luv him!!!

I remember the days when I thought 30 was old, well now days they think 27 is old.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Shop locally

Okay, did anyone esle get this----?


Hi Michelle –

I just wanted to follow up re: this Buy Local St. Louis initiative I sent you an email about last week. As I mentioned, shopping locally can have an enduring economic impact, which is why Contribute 2009 challenges individuals to spend $50 at a local small business on or around Oct. 12.

I’m hoping you’ll be able to share the message of Contribute with your “Working Mother of Two” readers, perhaps by suggesting they spend $50 at a locally owned St. Louis business. For more info about Contribute, check out this CNBC story and contact me at 216.298.4676 or via email, mkoski@edwardhoward.com. To take the pledge to spend $50 locally, visit www.scentsycontribute.org.

Thanks-
Melissa

MELISSA KOSKI
mkoski@edwardhoward.com
OFFICE 216.781.2400DIRECT 216.298.4676

Shop Locally:

I received this today - so I thought I would pass it on.
As a side-barr - we always try to shop locally. We luv the local (Soulard) farmer mkt, our fav pharmacy is the local mom and pop shop at the top of our hill. Both of my parents own a business, I understand and respect the purpose and drive to shop and use local services.
Good luck and enjoy. * I will try to post tomorrow- so much to say, so little time in the day*


Hi Michelle –

I just wanted to follow up re: this Buy Local St. Louis initiative I sent you an email about last week. As I mentioned, shopping locally can have an enduring economic impact, which is why Contribute 2009 challenges individuals to spend $50 at a local small business on or around Oct. 12.

I’m hoping you’ll be able to share the message of Contribute with your “Working Mother of Two” readers, perhaps by suggesting they spend $50 at a locally owned St. Louis business. For more info about Contribute, check out this CNBC story and contact me at 216.298.4676 or via email, mkoski@edwardhoward.com.
To take the pledge to spend $50 locally, visit www.scentsycontribute.org.

Thanks-
Melissa

MELISSA KOSKI
mkoski@edwardhoward.com
OFFICE 216.781.2400
DIRECT 216.298.4676

Kids

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Nieces & Nephews and Kids...