Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Request:

So folks do me a favor, and don't read this blog if you find it to be full of drama, exaggerations or anything in between.

If you find it not be to YOUR specifications than I recommend the following:
1) start your own - you may find it therapeutic
2) get a life, and realize I use this avenue for ME - I believe I have said that a time or two.
3) don't come by - don't swing by, don't read the nonsense
4) or comment when something really does not sit well
*unless of course it is easier to grip about it but not let me know.*

I am very tired these days, in case you haven't noticed.
I am tried of the nonsense, tired of the crap.
If you have something to say to me, then do me a favor and let me know.
Write me, call me or come by.
If you think I am crap, say so.
If you were mad a month ago, then let me know a month ago - not today.

I have used this avenue to vent, but it has been so much more than that for me.
I have written to my kids, put my fears out there, and even made some very good friends.

It seems funny to me that I only hear from my family when they are upset about me writing about them - but I never hear from them if a post was good, or written from my heart about things going on in my life. I would consider that convenient.

Secondly they let me know that some of the items on the blog were inappropriate - but won't say which ones, nor do they comment when they find it. They wait, like little school kids for the right time to pounce and beat me down. classy.

I am no longer going to play it safe, for my families sake. Because in the end it does not matter. I have tried to be gentle, tried to be fair, tried to hinder my thoughts - which by the way are MINE solely. And in case you have not notice I am entitled to them, in the same manner you are.

So as you rack up your tally list of my wrong doings, just be comforted that I am fully aware of what they are, and I OWN them. The flaws you point out in me, I accept and I carry the guilt for them and I must live with them. As I get on my high horse and ride off into the sunset with my perfect little family, perfect job, and perfect little life - just know that you know nothing about me. Which is the way you prefer it. But do me a favor and don't make it up as you go along, things are not as they appear from the outside. You make and more and more clear that you are less interested in getting to know me, but don't mind taking the jab when you see the door wide open.

We have spent alot of years going thought motions, but not really getting to know each other and not really supporting each other. I luv you, I pray for you, and I miss you dearly. I am sad beyond words at the most recent chain of events, I have shed many tears - but in the same token I am not sorry for any of my actions. As we go thought the motions it becomes more and more clear how you feel about me, it just would have been nice if you could have shared those thoughts the day you had them and not during some fight.

I take ownership of my part in letting all of us get so far apart. I have 110 excuses not to make time to work on our relationship, friendship and family foundation. I am not the martyr, I have made mistakes - I have tried to learn from them. I have repeated most of them time and time again. don't paint me out to be someone I am not. As you point out my flaws, do you ever take the time to remember any of the good? Or is our relationship so tainted that you can wrap me up in a bow of nonsense.

I keep locked away in my heart the times we were children, the times that make me laugh and smile. The times when we did support each other, when we did lean on each other and when the walls build around us were easier to break through.

2 comments:

amy said...

Every person has his or her own Karma. This Karma was based on prior decisions, and actions a person has made or intends to make. Another easy way to understand Karma is through the law of cause and effect. For every cause there is an inevitable effect. What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others

Farrell said...

I am sorry you are hurting. :(

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