Friday, February 19, 2010

smile:

These days I feel like everyone I know has lost their smile.
Myself included. I know I struggle thru the winter, I always have..and this winter seems even more intense than others. New job, new struggles new crap - once you boil it all down.
The difference this year is that Lance too seems to be in a 'funk'. Normally we are not both in a funk together, which is good because it makes it easier to get out of IF there is someone there to help.
Lance and I have been struggling to reach a common ground for awhile now. We have never been really great communicators, so when that minimal communication breaks down everything else seems to get lost in translation. Which leads us to where we are today.
Which frankly, I am not sure where that is; perhaps a hazy line between just going thru the motions and finding solutions.
Several factors, I feel are contributing to our distance, and inability to communicate or communicate clearly. One - my sister has decided that she wants to be separated and/or divorced. The realization of this has trickled it way into our house hold and sent our already rocky-relationship swirling a bit. He has verbalized some fear of me attempting to act like my sister. PLEZ is my response. get a grip. He has also tried to limit my time spent with my sister, which only makes me push back. Dude, she is my sister, we are CLOSE. This is nothing new and nothing that will ever change.
He has become semi-angry at the developments between my sister and her husband and he seems to be, from my perspective, taking it out on me a bit. Which does not sit well.
Secondly, my job. Hello folks - remember in June when I changed jobs, per his recommendation. I originally turned this job down, then he told me I was a dumbass and I took the job. Well, now that i am here and it is requiring ALOT of my time and attention he is pissed. I am exhausted, and brain-dead half the time. The last thing I can deal with is him being mad at the fact that my job is requiring a more hours than expected. Once again, as he pushes I push back. And we are left with a greater distance between us than before.
Third, his job. Lets face it folks. He also got a new job this summer and it has for the most part not panned out the way he has hoped. In my opinion he has lost his passion, his drive and even his smile. While on the subject, what about friends. Where are his? I get chastised for wanting to go to dinner, go out for girls nite ect. This is who I am, who I have ALWAYS been. This is nothing new. But by the same token, he was that person too. We found a way to make it work. Lately he has become for all intensive purposes, old. I have said to him and my sisters husband, find something to do - once or twice a week. For ideas, bowling, dart league, shoot guns, cards ect. Find a reason to get out of the house and bond with some boys.
For one if he is going out a bit more he will get off my ass, and secondly I 'think' he will just feel better.
Do you know how heart warming it is to sit with a girlfriend and laugh so hard it hurts. Currently I live for those moments. I have and always have had a great group of family and friends.
He has always lived to work and work hard. Now I am not sure what he is living for and as he attempts to find that we struggle. He has started to not trust me and frankly that pisses me off. It pushes me further away. Sexually it has become a mute point. *I know you totally wanted to know that.* The more he pushes me the less and less I want to be around him and the less and less we work at fixing the obvious broken parts.
The worst part about all of this is that I am a bit emotionally numb about it all. Not saddened, not happy, actually not much of anything. And with each passing day it becomes easier to fill my time with other things and activities. We are still loving our kids and being polite (at times); but our smiles have disappeared.
I keep looking for mine. I keep hoping he will find his. Hoping that Mr. Winter has it wrapped up in a snow flake that will eventually fall out of the sky. I luv him and we all know that luv is tough, marriage is tough. This is not a post about divorce or wanting to leave. It is just a post about our current struggle, which i am sure we will get through - just wondering if we will both better when it is all said n done.
However when we talk (fight) he does not take any ownership. He feels it is all me - that he really has nothing wrong and that I create the situation, push the situation and continue to perpetuate the nonsense. And me being , well me...that does not sit well. I will own my fair share of it, but at the same time I recognize my pitfalls and my own funk and try to fix it.
I don't really think he does that.... and I think it is swallowing him alive. I think it makes it easy to blame it all on me. And normally I would eat it all and try to fix it. I am not doing that this time.
Perhaps that is part of the reason he is in a funk. I am not playing the role I normally play, the fixer role -the I am going to save this role. I feel stronger each day, I am changing and with that comes the need for our relationship to change. I am trying to find my smile, I am looking for the laughter - I wish he would too....
I hope spring brings warm weather and smiles.

Friday, February 5, 2010

celebrate family....

In my own mind my family is its own version of 'rockstarrs'.
We are dysfunction, but not disconnected. We are fierce in loving each other and in protecting our own. And lets face it, we do have good genes - our gene pool leaves us with some charactistricts that we all wear with pride. You don't have to know us to know that we are related, just look at us......any number of us, and it is immediately clear. Its in the eyes.
I am speaking of my mothers side of the family, the Guertin side. I, like my siblings and cousins have been giving alot of thought and energy in trying to figure out how to celebrate our grandfather Jack.

Perhaps, I should back up. I have been lucky enough to know all of my grandparents, and even my great-grandparents. Secondly, I have been lucky enough that my mother/father made it priority for us as children to spend time with them. I was in my teens when my great-grandmother died, and in my late teens or early 20's when my great-grandfather died. They are real and tangible to me. I have found memories of them and a great affection for their commitment and luv for each other and their family. Which included my mother....
My great grandparents come to Ellis Island on the boat, one full Irish, and one full Italian. Hello -feisty, and dynamic; just based on genetics. My great grandparents were a great source of comfort and support for my mother, and for us they represented a great source of love and commitment. We did travel to NY to see them and celebrate them and create memories for us that continue resonate with me today. I am lucky to have gotten the chance to know them.

Growing up my grandparents played such an important role in my life. Back then they seemed so much bigger and larger than life to me. They were jet-setters, with their lake house, plane, boat, and even a photo w/ my grandmother attending dinner w/ President Regan. For a small town girl that sort of stuff made my eyes glitter. Growing up w did not travel out west or to the beach or to Disney for vacation, we went to visit family out east. And out east they welcomed us, all 3 rowdy kids with open arms. My grandparents took us to the capital, to the Smithsonian, to my first live play (which to the day I luv), taught us to ride the subway, train, took us Georgetown and made sure we were always learning something.

In thinking about where I am today and my personality, I have to say I am alot like him (grandpa Jack). Stubborn, dynamic, a bit twitchy, and fierce when I have to be. I luv to have a good time. I have seen him party like a rock starr and his smile charm the pants off complete strangers. He would constantly lick his finger tips. Which sounds strange, but is was barley noticeable. I twirl my hair or pace. Seems to be necessary in order to process the constantly moving thoughts and to help process. He seemed to be constantly reach for something more, constantly trying to re-invent or learn something new. Yeah, I get that, and luv that about him and how I carry that attribute in myself today. My grandfather was athletic the poster child of getting off your ass and finding something fun to do. He taught me to skii, and to this day I luv it. We would zip around the lake in his boat and he would barefoot skii, and teach each of us to trust him and get it done.
As I begin to teach my son to skii, which we worked on this summer. I realized how hard that process really is. As my son got up for his first time I felt a tear slip down my cheek. You could feel that source of confidence hit my son in an instant. He is learning to be unstoppable. Even after all of the trials and water up the nose, the moment you get up on the skii and feel that sense of accomplishment that cannot be taken away. My grandparents taught me so much about being confident. You can see it in my mom, now in me and my sister.
As I got older my grandfather and I had what I would call a personality conflict. Basically I was a smarty pants and much like him wanted to always be right. One night we were playing trivial pursuit, and we were arguing, he threatened to throw me over the rail at the lake house. Gosh, he was worked up and in hind site I was too. ha! I vividly remember my grandmother Pat sitting back and laughing. She could see it, me acting just like him. *see me glow with pride*
My grandfather Jack has 13 grandchildren, I am the oldest female grandchild. As a collective unit of grandchildren we all have fond memories of him and can share stories of how he has touched us and how we have grown because of him in our life. We as a collective unit have decided that we MUST find a way to show him how much he has touch us and contribute to us as adults.

7 year ago, while riding his motorcycle my grandfather fell off a cliff and is now paraplegic. For 7 years has not been mobile from the neck down. Can you imagine living life like a rockstarr and then suddenly being thrown into circumstances where you cannot even wipe your own ass. My grandmother was on the bike with him and has sustained life long injuries as well.
He continues to shine like a rockstarr in my eyes, he continues to be a source of straight and comfort. And once again, we as a collective we feel like we must let him know how much he contributed us. This could be the year we lose him, he has lost both of his brothers with in the last 6 mths and he has been in and out of the hospital. Our hearts are saddened and heavy.

We will rally together and see him this year, and celebrate with him as his grandchildren. It is the least we could do, given all he has given to each of us.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Earrings and more...

Well, things have been tough, tense and well just down right out of sorts.
Not sure where to start and frankly have gotten to the point where I just don't care.....frankly I don't mind being in this state of mind, which prob says something all in its self.
Anyhooo!
Lance and I got in a HUGE fight over my son requesting an earring for his 9th birthday. I mean HUGE, to the point of hanging up on each other and being um, not so nice. He says, no and I say it is prob okay. Not only does he say no, he says I am an irresponsible parent for even thinking that it is okay at the age of 9.
See me fly off the handle. Sure I am a lot of things and perhaps irresponsible a time or two, but over this issue - for real? Lets be frank folks, I have let my son wear a mo-hawk since he was 5, per his fathers encouragement and support. So the fact that I semi- support an earring does not seem off base to me. Mind you I did not encourage the latest request, but I don't see any huge harm in it either.
My son gets all A's, he is comfortable in his own skin and he thinks at this stage it is cool. My husband told him it was and I quote 'gay, and that only pirates and girls wear earrings.'
See me punch him in the face!! My son was almost in tears, totally deflated by his father and his latest approach. Mind you my husband has had a tongue piercing, eyebrow piercing and yes folks even his ears. So to deflate my son in one fail swoop sent me over the edge. I told Rylan to ask his dad, feeling that him and I would pretty much be on the same page w/ this issue. I could not have been more wrong nor more shocked.
Needless to say, huge fight ensued - I called got a few perspectives and the broached the subject again w/ dear ol' hubby. Trying to be sensible, well that approach ended in another screaming match. GAME ON.
So I had plans for Sat night, going out for Girlz nite out. But on Friday, around 7pm, I left the house as well. Friday morning and afternoon was the earring conversation, so for the sake of saving peace in the house -either he needed to go or I did. Well he clearly was not going out.
I called the ol' sister and out we went. I needed to decompress, I needed to relieve some stress.
On my way out the door I get the whole ' what about your kids' speech.
My kids are fine, their father can take care of them. Besides it was prob best that one of us left, for the sake of the kids so they did not have to hear us fight (again!).

A weekend of two nights out, is about to kick my butt. Well worth it all, I SO needed this type of a weekend. I laughed so hard I cried, I danced so much my legs hurt two days later, and I have such good friends I could burst. I did not drink too much, that was not the mission. But I did decompress, I did re-group, and I am still going to stand my ground.
I told Lance that I was going to let Rylan get an earring for his 9th birthday in March, like it or not. But IF he has anything to say about it, he had better take it out on me and not Rylan. We will see how this one pans out......to be continued.

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