Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Is it over YET (2008)

Just walking along, minding my own business when WHAM it hits me right in the face. I mean WHAM smack dab-in-the-middle-of-the-FACE.

For gosh-sakes people we only had one more day left until we ended this damn year called 2008, a year when I didn't think much more could happen.
Well, as usual I was wrong.

Hello, earth to Michelle - maybe you are not as flexible as you think you are. *You know you can no longer do a back bend or bring your toes to your nose.
An open mind, yeap that is what 2009 is going to require, flexibility, changes, hopefully income.

So I have kept everyone waiting long enough here is the scoop.
My husband quit his job yesterday. Oh, yeah - not fired: QUIT.
Stop take a second, grab right hand and pull mouth up off floor.
Stop the uncontrollable laughter that is ringing in my ears and be serious for one moment.
As in NO WORK, no JOB, and no GAME PLAN.
Oh, I see now - you have lost your 'effing mind!
Good times people, I am thrilled.....

Two days ago we were talking and he was telling me he was swamped at work, and had steady work until at least April or May. Hey, that is good news (right!). Two days ago I was beginning to feel like to recession would not hurt us too much. We are already cutting back. Full weeks of work for a man in construction / electrician is a good deal -esp these days.

Then two days later he walks into his office an quits. Well, actually - they call him and the other guys into the office. They are informing my husband and the crew that their boss was fired earlier that day.
So, since his boss was fired, Lance told them he would not work for anyone else.
*noble - yes. good move? um...remains to be seen.
Lance being the stand up worker that he is, actually went into work today to finish a job he was working on. He didn't want to leave it hanging or unfinished. He went by the office this morning to make sure it was okay. The president and VP were not in, so the number 3 guy gave him his phone back and let him finish out the day.
They were not going to fire him or anyone else.
But, no else there knows the communication side, which is the side Lance works on.

But what now?? No game plan, no back up job, just being noble.
Ahh, my night in shining armor - who has spent 2008 making us laugh, gasp, and now shocked.

We laughed when he called my boss a 'cocksucker', we gasped when he gave out his social and credit card over the phone, and now one day before the end of this 'effing year we are shocked.
For the life of me, I just didn't think he had it in him.
Well, take my hand honey - we will walk down this yellow brick road together. frick & frack; yin & yang; employed & unemployed, broke & bankrupt
Have an extra drink of champagne for me. --
Happy New Years, glad I could spend 2008 sharing my life with you.
Hugs all around. Cheers!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

All Jacked Up...

Whew, it is over.....time to wipe sweat from brow and thank our lucky stars that we all survived. Even with all of the drama leading up to the holidays, they turned out WONDERFUL.
My family got together, my kids were great and Lance's dad came out to my mothers with us. My mother had close to 37 people in her house this weekend, it was SO nice to have everyone so close. We ate, drank, laughed and shared another holiday together.
Santa arrived at my mothers house around 7pm. All of the kids were SO excited, Pyper would not leave the guy alone, she was enamored by Santa.
Rylan on the other hand, walked up to me, pulled me down to his level and whispers in my ear 'mamma, I know that is my papa.'
I look shocked, then a big grin comes across my face and I respond ' then tell me why papa is standing behind me with a camera.'
Rylan's face was so surprised, he looked at my dad, back to santa - in a state of shock. um.
Maybe santa really does exist. *At least for this year.
This year my brother, sister and myself actually got to spend some time together. It was nice. I don't just mean staying for an hour or two, trying to keep up with our kids and being distracted. We spent most of Friday together at my mom/dad's house. We spent hours talking on the porch while the kids played. We re-lived our childhood, told stories of parties, sneaking out, etc. We had to laugh when my mother appeared so shocked by all of us. How quickly she forgets.

Friday night my mother kept all 9 kids, while the three of us went out together. We had plans on being home early , and just going for a few hours. Well that turned out to be all night. We went to two local bars, and by the second bar we were the life of the party. At the second bar my sister ended up trading shirts with one of the local guys (luckily she had on two shirts), the boys played darts, and some guy asked my sister to dance. Here is what he said to her ' hey, come on and let's dance. Go make your daddy proud.' ha!!
Everyone in the place either knows us, or they our parents.......only in our home down would someone say that. That night I laughed so hard I cried, we played a prank on Lance, and I made some girl at the bar jump so high she about peed' her pants.

I got Lance a GPS for Christmas, and he was stoked. He put the damn thing in my car, while we were in our small town. When we pulled up the second bar, he took it down off the windshield and hid it. That made me laugh, there is only one way, and one way out of town. Not too hard to get around, if anyone was going to steal anything it would be a gun from the gun rack. *luckily we don't have one of those in our car.
Lance was convinced that someone would take it.
When we were leaving me and Matt got in the front seat, I rolled the window down, thru crap all over the seat, and called Lance over to the car to tell him that someone broke our window and stole his GPS. He was livid. 'I told you Michelle, I TOLD you.'
Matthew and I were laughing too hard to even tell him it was all a joke.
My sister made her way to the car in her new shirt which stated 'I got All Jacked Up' in Ironton.
How appropriate.
On our way home, the discussion of going to taco bell started to happen. Which would all be well and good if there was one close - but there is NOT.
So being the most sober of all of us, I drove us home, and let Lance and Misty dream about eating tacos. As usual we woke up half the house upon our arrival - just like old times.
*If anyone got a photo of Matthew, me and Misty I would love a copy.

I have a ton of photos to share, which may take me a week, but I will get to them.
I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday. I could not have asked for a better Christmas, and I am praying that 2009 is a better year than 2008.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Laughter - it helps

I hate Christmas.......I think it is too much fuss for the event.

I feel overwhelmed ever year - even thought I tell myself I won't get carried away, and I won't allow the pressure to happen again.

Well guess what, once again this year I failed.

I was luck enough to get a tree up, but we failed to put lights up outside.

We just could not get to it.

My son pointed it out to us once again last night "You know dad, we STILL dont' have lights outside."

Lance and shrugged ' yeah, we will try next year. This year we will drive around and look at everyone lights instead.'


We did begin to shop and wrap early, but once again I failed to get it all done.

And as of today (um the 22nd) I am STILL not done.


We wake up this morning, and find a wrapped gift on our door stoop from our neighbors.

Don't get me wrong, I understand it is a NICE gesture - it is a box of chocolates and a card.

But you and I both know it is a re-gifter. And I will gladly return the favor, by re-gifting the jelly set my boss got me.

I would prefer that they ate the chocolate, or saved their money.

I feel pressure to return the polite gesture.


Anyway, when I arrived at my office today, I received this...........


I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Vodka, a package of Oreos, the remainder of an old Vicodin prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!

Happy Holidays!

*this is NOT Me, but it is funny....enjoy.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Christmas photo - really?

Dear heavens I bet I have 40258354575673 photos of crap.......

We had pouting, we had crying, I tried to bribe her, we had milk, I even offered to paint nails. PLEASE just one freakn' photo. For christmas, I mean for gosh sakes I even got a tree. That's right see the tree in the back, I got a pre-lit one on sale (half off), and stuck that baby up in an hour. I am sprinting for the finish line and of course the kids won't cooperate. Well, Rylan will - he always does. So in true form Pyper will not.

Did I mention that I put the tree up and put ordnament's on it, well a few anyway. Only to have Miss Pyper take them all off, then she started to cry 'chsssmas was all gone. why mommy, why?'

I look at her like she has three heads, all the while a red star is attached to the leg of her pajamas. In my mind I am thinking 'hey crack-head, you are the reason Christmas is all gone. Leave them alone and it will look like Christmas.'

But rather I stated, 'you should probably put them back on the tree, so Christmas can come back.'

She woke up this morning and was upset the lights were off. She wanted them turned on RIGHT NOW. Well, that will get you NO WHERE with me in the morning. Needless to say we did not turn them on, we moved on to bigger and better obstacles.

Like trucking down 270 to West County to see the ENT. That is another story for another day. For new enjoy the few photos that look half way presentable of my kids and my tree.

*see self pat self on back. kudos to me for getting a damn tree and not stuffing Pyper in it like an ornament. Enjoy.

***One last thing 'Terra' ( gave me an award that I have not thanked her for, nor have I posted. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. THANK YOU. My first award, and I am honored. I am not sure why anyone reads this, but thank you. I apologize for the delay in getting out there, I have been a bit lost lately.

Friday, December 12, 2008


I apologize in advance if this post rambles or just does not make sense.
I was home yesterday, lying on the couch and visiting a doctor. An hour later I left with 3 prescriptions - so today, I am loaded up on the drugs.

My head is hazy, my eyes are twitchy - but the green gunk is gone.
I did file with the EEOC, they send the complaint directly to the city attorney - I am waiting on a response. The EEOC told me it would be after the first of the year before any further action is taken. um....nothing like waiting.
In the mean time I have fired up my resume and started sending it out, pressed my suites, and found my high heels. I may need them in the near future.
I figure the IRS will always need people, even in a recession. I am not looking to be the boss, just some job security.

This weekend, hubby and I are going to knock out our x-mas shopping. Which should be interesting - we NEVER shop together for x-mas. This will be our first year. My sister is going to keep my kids sat day / night, so we have no excuse not to get it done. My hubby will be mindful of his spending this year, which is also very unlike him. Last night he was talking about being worrying about the state of the economy. I looked at him like he had 3 heads - 'who is this man?' The only thing he has ever worried about is if he has beer and a recliner.
Anyway, he stated 'we will have to watch our pennies.'
I breathed a sigh of relief. I am 'always watching our pennies.' Him um, not so much. At least this year we will be on the same page.
Plus I am hoping after a long day of shopping we can do dinner.
A dinner with no kids, one I can actually eat before it gets cold, and I don't have to share. I could not be more happy.
Plus I am sure that a drink with my medication will make me GREAT company.
Here's to hoping we have a good weekend.

BTW - I don't have a tree up, nor do we have lights up.
Yeap, we suck. Perhaps we will get some of that done this weekend.

My brother is up from Ar-Kansas (insert twang), so hopefully I will get the chance to see him and his kids as well. I am really looking forward to going to my parents for x-mas. I so need to the energy my family / friends provide.
Oh another thing.....did your kids stop believeing in santa? I 'think' this maybe my last year with Rylan (sad :(.....). Last Sat, Lance came home VERY proud of himself, he found a Wii, and picked it up. That is the BIG present for this year. Four days later while sitting at dinner Rylan states that he needs to start his list to santa. I ask him 'what are you going to ask for?'
He states 'well alot of things, but not a Wii.'
I look cross-eyes - 'uh, What?'
Rylan 'yeah, no Wii, I want a Red IPOD.'
Me ' REALLY. '
Rylan 'Yeah, a kid can change his mind you know. BTW, does Santa ask mom & dad if he can get their presents?'
Me - deer in headlights look. In the back of my mind I am thinking 'hell if I know.'
Lance 'No, Santa does not ask mom & dad, he gets the list and decides if you have been naughty or nice.'
Me - still speechless. Now thinking ' What in the hell was that?'
By this time Rylan has moved on and is now downstairs playing the playstation II.
I look at Lance baffled. Then I state 'well, that is just too damn bad.'
He keeps asking alot of questions about our involvements as parents and Santa. I think he 'knows' but isn't really sure. He is trying to trick us in to slipping - it just might work!
Pyper is going to be GREAT this year. She already loves seeing the x-mas lights, and loves every commerical that comes on the TV. She has started singing jingle bells, but in her world it is 'tinker bells.' She is a princess in the making.
I hope you all have a great weekend. I think we are expecting ice /sleet / snow next week - UGH.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Any day now....

I am a pathetic mess these days.
I know it has taken me ForEver to post, part of me just didn't want to, and part of just couldn't. It seems I have so much to say, but alot of it just seemed like nonsense.
Work is work, at the moment. I am taking my time and trying to get all of my ducks in a row. This is a process, and maybe a LONG process.
*Nothing like fighting for your job in the middle of a damn recession.'s what I know.
Over the weekend my best childhood friend came over for a night with her two girls. Her drama made mine seem like a cake walk. Her life and struggles are hard for a person to imagine. We sat around the table Sat night and joked, 'we could make our millions by writing your life story.' I sat there at my table feeling really blessed and thankful for my family, my husband and my life. Even with all of the work crap, in the scope of things I am okay.
My girlfriend called me and asked if she could come over with her kids, just to get away. She is beyond broke, I told her if she could make it to my house I would give her gas money to get back. By the end of the visit I am not sure who needed it more - her or I. It was so darn good to see her again. It was so darn good to visit with someone who 'knew' me.
We laughed about where we were 15 yrs ago, and how we never thought our lives would be as they are today. We laughed about being in grade school, and being dorky, and boys, and nights out - all of the good stuff, I think I forgot. The small trip down memory lane was nice.
It is funny, my memory lane includes this best girlfriend and my husband. We all pretty much grew up together and here we are years later staring at ourselves in our 30's with kids running around. Who knew?
She came over because she needed me in ways that I could deliver, so I did. We thru my closet, went thru the kids clothes, my sister gave her clothes, I fed them and gave her some money and a hug. She looked at me and said 'what is all of this for?' My response 'because I can.'
She looked up at me 'I cannot t' I cut her off right there......'I think the polite thing to say is thank you.' She smiled and enough was said. I did not do it all to be thanked, I don't want to pat on the back. I just wanted to see my friend. I just wanted to hang around the table for hours with a drink or two and talk. We sat in the guest bed the next morning and drank our coffee, we put mattresses on the floor for the kids. We had a great big slumber party, and in the process I was relived to not think and just be. I should be thanking her........

In the mean time I have caught a cold, I feel like hell. I have not begun to x-mas shop, I don't have lights up, nor have I put up a tree. We have big plans this weekend to get most of it done - we will see. So any day now, things could start to look up. Any day now......

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

No going back.

My heart is heavy, my emotions are on overload.
Will this EVER stop?
Yesterday, I spoke with an employment law attorney.
Today, I spoke with the EEOC to file a complaint.
This afternoon, I am being spoken to by some upper mngt, so they can provide me with the level of discipline action that has been set in place. um....
Discipline for what? We will soon find out.
Funny how when the meeting happened to discuss 'me' I was not allowed to attend.

Funny how when a male counter part was spoken too and disciplined, he was allowed to attend, speak and defend himself.

Funny how a special meeting was held off site in order to speak with a another male counter part in order to discuss with him how inappropriate his language was towards women during his senior staff meetings. The held the special meeting in order to avoid having an open discussion.

Funny how is am being disciplined less than 60 days after a formal complaint was filed against one of the men speaking to me today. Which by the way, he is still employed, still working and no discipline has been set in place for him.
So funny I am laughing my ARSE OFF.

I am tried of this. I am exhausted, I am feeling beat down - perhaps that is the point.
I will fight, I have to...but it is taking its toll. God give help me to be strong, couragous and wise.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Home maybe???

Well, we made it back Sat night around 9pm.
Which is ideal, we like to have Sunday to relax and recover.

Our trip was 'fine', nothing to terrible to report.
On our way to the airport Pyper decided to puke all over the place, we had to pull over on the highway to change her, and attempt to clean up. YUCK.
We could not find a car-wash, so my car sat for 7 days with puke. GREAT!!
I threw away her travel outfit, which was covered in puke.
What were my options really? Keep it and travel with a plastic bag of puke for 5 hours to El Paso. um, NO.
Keep it all in the back of my car, in a plastic bag, with the gross car seat? um, NO.
The trash can seemed like the best option. The only good thing, she had plenty of changes of clothes in the car, a suitcase full of stuff.

So, I rode to El Paso smelling like kid vomit. Day 1, good times (NOT).

Day 2, while sitting Chili's having lunch Lance reached over to get Pyper something and knocked his full beer in my lap. Great! We were traveling to NM that day, so on day 2 I smelled like beer.

Well that about sums up my trip.
The highlight - the weather was nice, close to 70 every day.
I am glad to be home!!!!! More to come later.

Friday, November 21, 2008

All I ever wanted... VACATION

In my mind I keep replaying the go-go's song 'Vacation'
You know it, sing along 'vacation all I ever wanted, vacation HAVE to get away.'

We are leaving tomorrow for El Paso Texas, where it is 70 and sunny. We will be spending 6 nights and 7 days in Texas, visiting family. Hopefully we break away for a bit and actually just spend time, with our kids by ourselves.

We are planning a day or two in New Mexico as well, with a hotel and a pool. My kids should have a blast, and hopefully have fond memories of getting away. My son loves to visit Texas, we go every year to El Paso, and he has a great love for his Aunts and Uncles there. Pyper on the other hand, has been too little to remember any part of her trips to El Paso. She still maybe too little, but they will be amazed at how much she has grown since last year.

While brushing his teeth this morning, Rylan beams at me 'mom, aren't you just SO excited about going to Texas?'
Me ' sure buddy, by this time tomorrow we will be headed to the airport to get on our plane.'
Rylan 'wow, that sure is early.'
Me with a small laugh ' yeah, the earlier we leave STL, the earlier we get to Texas.'
That answer seems to satify him, and we move on about our morning.

We will need to be at the airport by 8(ish). We are taking Lance's dad with us on this trip. This will be our first trip with Lance's dad, and Pyper who will need her own seat. Lance's dad will need a wheelchair to get around, and Pyper may not sit still, or be quite for the trip. We will take it all in stride - a few drugs may help as well.

Work has been brutal this week. Too much going on to really go into right now. To say that I am frustrated would be an understatement. To say that this place is starting to effect me, would be an understatement. I almost welcome a pink slip, it has gotten so bad. I am puking after each meal from the stress, I am not sleeping from the stress. I will take this next week to re-group, work on my resume and network. Either he goes, or I go............
I had a phone interview this past Thursday, and a lunch meeting yesterday. Wheels are in motion for movement, but what a BAD time to start looking for a job. UGH.

I am getting off track, no more talk about work, stress or this damn place.
I am going on VACATION, my family deserves my undivided attention. I deserve the chance to get away, enjoy the sun and let go of it all of a bit.
I will be gone for a week, and prob will not post while I am gone. I will take lot's of photos and I am sure I will have alot of stories upon my return.

I guess if I was thinking ahead of time, I would have asked a few people to guest write for me.......maybe next time. This time I suck.

Have a great thanksgiving and hopefully you will get to spend it with your family and friends.

*I will not get to see my family, which is weird for me. Actually, it makes me sad. We are always together for the holidays. I know it is Lance's family, which is fine, but I will miss the comfortable atmosphere going home gives me. Tonight I am going to see my sister, and spend a little time before we depart for our week long trip. I am not even gone, and I already miss sitting around my parents table eating turkey.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Cadaver Bones??

Cadaver Bones?

Okay, so ever since Rylan has gotten his braces, I have known that a BIG surgery is looming. We are prepping him for a bone graph. The doctors are suppose to harvest bone from his hip and place it in his jaw line / palate in order to address his bi-lateral clefting. I have known this day was coming.

Lance and I fear that harvesting bone from his hip will halt our son's ability to play sports. Other than swimming (maybe). Not that I think my son will be a professional sports player, but I cannot imagine taking away his excitement of playing sports so early in life.
For gods sake he will only be 8 in March. If we harvest bone from his hip, football will be out of the questions, baseball, soccer etc. We have met several young teenage boys who are cleft and have had the bone graph, they indicate the stopped playing sports, and further they indicate that even the whether change seems bothersome at times. Cold damp nights, rain - all make them sore, and achy.
These stories make my heart race with fear, make my mind travel 1000 times faster than it should. I have visions of running away in the middle of the night with my son, so we don't have to show up for our scheduled surgery.

We will have our BIG surgery this coming summer. Yeap, that soon. I could puke just thinking about it. I have been praying for some other alternative, something else. I do know that technology has advances, and some doctors are trying a protein injection, rather than a bone graph. But our doctor is hesitant due to the fact that there is not enough research to really know the outcome of such an approach. I value our doctors opinion, and trust his judgement, so that is off the table, even as appealing as it may sound.

Lance and I look at each other while laying in bed, fretting over the fact that we may have to kill our son's dreams of being on an athletic team so early in life. It is heart wrenching, takes my breath away, and makes me tremble with fear. I have been praying for a sign, some other answer...

I got it the other day. I keep in touch with a wonderful lady, who's son is also cleft. She is military wife, her husband is a special opt's Marine. Our children are the same age, and she too has been looking for other options. She emailed me that she has meet a one young person who used a cadaver bone.

Praise god, that is it...that is my answer.

Is it that easy....perhaps not. I do know that we can be 100% sure that my son's own bone will make it a successful surgery, and that a cadaver bone may not. Is it worth the risk?

um. Crossroads #2.

What if the cadaver bone does not take, then he will be subject to another major surgery. In his young life he has had 3 major surgeries and 3 out-patient surgeries. God love him for being such a trooper, for not understanding it all fully, but trusting us 100%. Trusting his doctors, and knowing that even though he wakes up in pain and disoriented, it all seems to be worth it in the end.

Is a cadaver bone worth the risk.

Today my answer is yes.
This will not be the end of his surgeries, it continues to be just the tip of the iceberg.

Taking this journey with my son has been interesting, I have learned so much.
It has been terrifying, he is so young to have so much happen. And it has been inspirational - he truly is my hero.
Keep us in your prayers - it may not be until summer, but it already has us on pins and needles.
I keep this photo up in our home, along with his other photo's. His clefting was extreme at birth, as noted in the photo. He has overcome the odds, keeps breaking the doctor's notions of what he can and cannot do........looking at him today, you would never know how far he has come.
*There are days when I feel as if I am not strong enough to do be his mother, to be a vision of strength and support, when inside I am dying with fear. Behind closed doors, and in the dark, tears of fear stream down my face, along with the prays and hope that it will all be okay.
I am child of god, but I am only human. I trust that he will keep us safe, and watch over us. As I attend church this weekend, I was looking for support on another issue this was the theme ' keep faith in god. your trails and tribulations will make your faith stronger. Patients and perseverance - with our limited view. God has a plan, even if we don't get it.' My faith does not waiver, but it is hard to trust in the unknown. I am trying....and perhaps failing. My heart is heavy these days.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Pee-Wee Football (Superbowl Winners)

Getting T.O.U.G.H before the game. Rylan and I riding in back, getting tough. He has his game face on.
The game was a tough one, as a Superbowl should be......we played in St. Genevieve, and they had home field advantage.
We won the game 6 to 0, no one scored for the first 3 qtrs, it came down to the last quarter. We knew whomever would score first would win.
Lance as usual was a nervous ninny - he smoked close to two packs of cigarettes during the game. All the while me and his father sat in the bleachers cheering for our team. Grandpa would knock his cane on the metal bleachers when the team did well.
As we scored, and the time ran out a tear strolled down Grandpa's cheek and he stated 'Nancy would have lov'd this.'
*He is so right, Nancy luv'd football and baseball. Even on her healthiest day, you could find her in front of the TV catching her beloved Cardinals, watching Ice Skating or Mizzou Football. She would have been one of Rylan's greatest fans.
And she would have had one up on me, she prob would have understood all of the flags and calls.
I did good to know that Rylan played Offense. Other than that, I don't know much more about the game.
I am more proud than words can express. Not only because they won. That was a nice touch to the whole environment.
This season was such an esteem builder for my son. It was a character builder for my child who at birth was labeled 'failure to thrive', who doctors characterized as weak, abnormal, and special needs.
With each passing year, I let go of their labels and embrace the thriving child in front of my eyes. They set me up to believe that my child was doomed to fail from the start, luckily we never held on to notions they set in front of us. The labels are always in the back of my mind, never in the forefront - perhaps that is why we have proven them wrong. I am sure it has something to do with this child's drive, passion and disposition.
*His success is his to carry and wear like a badge of honor, I have been lucky enough to have been chosen to be his mother. He has taught me so much about life, kindness and labels.

However, I must admit - I prepared him that it was okay to lose. There can only be one winner. It is Good to be the Winner.
**Congrats to the Jefferson County Steelers****
The Superbowl Champions

Friday, November 7, 2008

Joke - NOT funny.

Here is glimpse into how dysfunctional we really are........

I have been feeling crappy since last Sunday. I mean really crappy - tired, cranky, sick to my stomach, feeling like I want to puke ALL the TIME. Any woman reading this knows these are clear signs are someone being pregnant. (OMG, I HATE that word).

After having Pyper I had an IUD put in, this thing is suppose to last for 5 yrs, and suppose to be 98% effective. I know, probably TMI, but come on, I don't want anymore kids. So this was my way of making sure I was 98% safe and sound. Because we all know dear ol' hubby won't do anything about it.....he was suppose to get snipped. Once again TMI.

Anyway, so my symptoms have not subsided. I looked at Lance last night and we talked it over and decided we should just take a damn test to be sure that I was not with child. *cringe*
The pit in the bottom of my stomach grows larger, just the possibility of it makes me break out in hives. However Lance, walks around with a boyish, sheepish grin - just thinking of the possibility. Two different schools of thought going on here.
Lance picks me up a test (actually a 2-pack) on his way home from Football. He is glowing with anticipation. I on the other hand still feel like puking!
I go to pee on the stick, with an audience. Mind you, I normally have Pyper in the bathroom anyway - but now I have Lance standing in the doorway peering in. I don't get stage fright, but give a girl some room to pee on the stick and half her hand in the process.

I pee and wait. Two lines show up, I feel faint. Only to grab the box and realize that it is suppose to have two lines, if one of the lines is a positive then I should faint.
I look at Lance and state - NEGATIVE. I am filled with glee.
He seems a bit deflated. I eyeball him from across the room, he states ' I was nervous and happy just with the thought of it all.'
Me - 'dear god, are you crazy.'
And so that was our night.
I left the pee stick on the counter - because I am classy. And went to bed.

I wake up this morning, in a haze, grabbing my coffee and see the pee stick still on the counter. I grab it to throw it away and take a quick glance at it. IT HAS CHANGED...the two lines now have one positive line in the window. I look at the box, I look at the stick - this morning it indicates that I AM PREG. OMG, OMG, OMG. NO, NO, NO!!!!!
I remember very clearly looking at the stick to make sure that there was not a faint positive. *my sister had a 'faint' positive line and got kid #4.*
There was NOT even a faint positive on the stick last night. So what happened.
I look a little closer at the stick and 'someone' filled in the lines with a sharpie. My husband actually took the stick and put a positive line on the window with a sharpie.
Are you kidding me. I called him, and he laughed.
Some joke.................not funny, and WAY to early to be messing with my mind.
He keeps it up and he will not be able to produce children. SO NOT FUNNY.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Halloween Re-Cap

Halloween 2009, was a success at the DePew household.

Rylan was a football player with blue hair, Pyper was a Princess that changed twice.

The photo's here are of her first dress, I did not get photo's of the second dress (it was too dark). Prior to actually walking the neighborhood, she decided that 'I dun't lik'y ths dress.'' Therefore she took it off in the front yard. She refused to wear custom until she saw the other kids running around dressed up. I was afraid she was going to be the kid that did not dress up, but I was wrong. Once we got in the swing of things she was a true champ.

I don't normally dress up on Halloween night. I wear jeans & a sweater in order to walk my kids around. comfy is the attire. My biggest accessory are eyelashes, as seen below. I wore these to work, and to Rylan's school party.
The weekend before Halloween I had all of the kids over the for the night, here they are gathered around the kitchen table, we are getting ready to decorate cup-cakes. I fear they all may have eat'n too much icing.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

VOTE Today

Okay, for the most part I have kept my political opinion to myself.
I will attempt to continue to toe that line, not because I am ashamed, not because I am not political - I just find it better.
I will let you know this much, my household was a split household.

However, my husband was so passionate about his stance that he actually voted today. LISTEN this is a big deal. He registered to vote this summer, and actually found it important to vote for the first time in his life. The man will be 35 next year - he has had plenty of time and plenty of issues to vote on; so why now? I don't really care, I am just really proud of him for getting done.

Not only did he get it done, he did it first thing this morning. He was at the polls at 5:30am. Mind you, I was still sleeping. He felt this was important, he felt that his vote 'might' actually count. Someone and/or something got thru to him - it was not me. I don't care how it happened, but the fact is that it happened. My husband is growing-up right before my eyes, setting good examples for my children - who knew.
*mind you he still gives out his social # and credit card over the phone, we never said growing up was easy. We are still cleaning up that mess.

I will post photos tomorrow of the weekend & Halloween.

I will walk around proudly today with my 'I voted' sticker. I will watch the results tonight after football practice and banter back and forth with Lance over who will REALLY win.
For now I am going outside to walk. It is beautiful - get outside, enjoy the weather before old man winter takes it away. It is a lovely day to go and VOTE in STL MO.
Veterans Day is soon, remember to say thank-you. They are a huge part of the reason we actually get to vote today.

Friday, October 31, 2008

1/2 DaY

Well it is here - Halloween and I am getting really excited.
Which surprises me, I normally don't like this holiday, and I am not sure why. I guess after having Rylan and living in an apt where we never got any kids, I never got really jazzed.

But with each passing year, this Holiday gets a little more of heart. My kids are SUPER excited. Which just penetrates to every being in our home. We have decorated, we have gotten a TON of candy, customs, and food (adult beverages). We are for all intensive purposes good to go.
Not to mention the weather....the weather is going to be 'effing beautiful.
I dressed in my long black skirt today, my orange shirt that barely holds my boobs and my boots. And just for grins, I showed up in a bright green wig. Everyone at work laughed - well almost everyone, the Chief of PD did not find it funny. WHATEVER!!!

I am leaving in 2minutes for the rest of the day. I am going to go to my son's Halloween party, pick up Pyper and maybe carve our pumpkins. If we don't get them carved - that will be just fine. Everything else is good to go.

Lance and I have an adult party to attend on Saturday, we will be dressing up. So that should be fun and interesting. I still have no idea what I am going to go as, but we will wing it tomorrow.

I will have photos to share later this weekend.
BTW - Lance still has NOT gotten his credit card issue nixed. He told them he wanted to cancel the subscription and they told him NO. And they said they would not refund his money. We will see........dumb, dumb, dumb.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Disclaimer - I truly luv my hubby.
But I swear I think he inherited two STUPID genes. Not just one, but two....
Here is sample of his most recents stupid incident.
Last night I get home, and demand that he go by Sears and pick up a new grill. I state, 'just put it on the card, and we will pay it off on payday.'
*I do not encourage credit card use, it makes me break out in hives, but we need this today.

My comment triggered a previous conversation Lance had prior to my arrival home from work. He states ' Oh, by the way Michelle, speaking of the card, I put $895.00 on it today.'
I laugh out loud and state 'No you did not.'
He smirkes, 'Yeah, I did. Some guy called on the phone and said if we spent $895 today he could save us $3,000 in credit card debt.'
I look at him and state 'we dont' have $3,000 in credit card debt - so how could us spending 895 be any help. Dear god.'
Did you give them your social #?
Lance - 'Yeap.'
Me - Did you give them your card card #?
Lance 'Yeap, they needed it in order to have the 895 today.'
Me- I am too stunnded to speak, I am beginning to break out in hives. I am not angry at this point, I am too shocked at how stupid he was.
Lance continues - ' I told the guy on the phone that my wife would be really upset, and he told me to have you call him. Here is his 800 number, Michelle call him.'
Me - 'Why did you do this on the fly? Why not wait so we could discuss?'
Lance 'Because the guy said I had to do it now to get the deal.'
Me 'Of COURSE he did.' * I am drinking at this point. I left the glass of wine half full on the table and moved on to swigging straight from the bottle.
Lance - 'Look Michelle (he pulls out a piece of paper), I have all of their info. they are ligit.'
Me - I glance at the piece of paper, and see an 800 number as well as a PO box in Clearwater FL. That's right folks, my hubby gave his information to someone with a 800 number and a PO Box. OMG.......OMG..........OMG.
I cannot belive he was that STUPID.
I look at him and ask ' Why did you even really speak with the man? You normally ask any 800 to please quit calling us, and take us off their list. Were you bored, and needed some company?'
I have asked him to call the company today and CANCEL the expense. He said fine.
Then he called me back 10 minutes later and said 'THEY really think they can help us. I want you to send them all of our information as well as any contracts we have.'
ME - HELL NO. Are you kidding me Lance, this is a SCAM.'
Lance - 'Why would we not do this if they can save us money? I don't understand you Michelle.'
What am I dealing with????????????
Someone please help me.
I feel like I am dealing with Patrick from Spongebob!!!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Sprint to the End

Can you believe that October is almost OVER.
Where in the hell did the month go?
Somewhere between the meetings, meetings, meetings and meetings this month I lost the entire month.
Dear heaven. That means, that next is Thanksgiving and then the dreaded Christmas.
*****I HATE the holidays. It seems like way too much work on my end.
So much going on, so little time to blog about it.
Where to start???

um. Well, my budget meetings are almost over. YEAH. I have my final one this Tuesday, then we will wrap it up, issue it and move on to the audit work. In the mean time, last week I re-arranged my office. This is code for DEAR GOD WE HAVE ALOT OF CRAP. I have alot of stuff in the conference room that still needs my attention, but I just shut off the light and closed the door. I cannot look at it any more today. I will tackle a little more of it tomorrow. It was very overwhelming, and I am sure in the end it will be a good idea. But today it still seems daunting.

My boss apparently had a meeting last Thursday with the powers to be. From the under ground gossip it must not have gone well. I am still waiting for the process to correct the problem, and I guess the fact that they have had a meeting with him now gives me hope. It is my understanding that he returned from the meeting and gave someone in the office a thumbs down. I guess that is code for not going to make it. I am trying to stay out of the gossip, and out of his way. Therefore I am tearing apart my office, so I have to clean it, and letting my work pile up so I am not tempted to get caught up in the gossip wheel. *which is hard, I am FEMALE.
But so far so good.........
Keep my fingers crossed that the wheels are in motion.

This weekend was good. I will briefly re-cap.
I had 7 kids on Friday night. Yeap 7 of them. From 13 to 2 - good times!!
Lance and I took them all to the Halloween party at the park. They luv'd it. We rode the hay-ride, played games, froze our butts off and made it home in time for bed. We got up Sat and made / decorated cup-cakes.
Sat Lance and Rylan left for the Mizzou game. Which apparently was a success. Rylan has a smile plastered across his face. Him and his dad had a great time.
Sat night Pyper went to my sisters to continue her family time with her cousins. Sat night my sister took all the kids to Grants Farm and did the Halloween fair across town.
I went to the Ameristar with 5 other girls and saw the 80's Band at the Bottle Neck Blues Barr. Good times were had by all.

Did anyone else hear this past weekend that we were suppose to fall back? I swear I told Lance on Sunday, to leave me the hell alone - I gained an hour. I KNOW i heard it.
***Well, apparently it is next weekend. Any day now, I could use the extra hour- may then I will actually make it to work on time.

I am only working 1/2 a day on Friday so I can attend Rylan's school party. We will leave school early and go home and get ready for Halloween. Rylan will be a football player and Pyper is going to be a princess.

We have football practice Tues / Thurs of this week. I told Lance if the tempture gets below 60 degrees I am not going. Well, since the high today is 49, that means Pyper and I will not sit out in the cold and freeze our arses off for practice. We will freeze for the games only. *I think that seems fair.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Well, over the weekend we headed down to the country to see Lance's dad, visit with my family and meet the newest member.

*Drum roll please.................. meet Juno the dog.

Out of blue, Grandpa got a dog. I cannot express how much having this little puppy in his life has lifted his spirits. Grandpa has always wanted a great pyrenees, and on a whim he found one and then bought one.

There were nine puppies to this litter and this dog apparently went right up to Grandpa upon his arrival. Juno, was waiting for Grandpa to come and get him.

Juno will grow up to be a big dog. And they 'think' his mask and spot on his head will go away. *I hope not, I love the mask around his eyes. Here is a photo of an adult great pyrenees. I LUV big dogs!!!

With the new dog in his home, Grandpa has a bit of pep in his step, a glow in his face, and happiness in his voice. I have not seen a glimmer of that happiness since before he lost his beloved wife, Nancy, last November. I am so glad he has company.

*not to mention, Lance was smitten. We agreeed we could get another dog, after the holidays. I am so happy! We will not be getting a great pyrenees, but we will be getting a dog.


Friday, October 17, 2008

Fall 2008

It is Friday, and I am feeling rather rested, comfortable and believe it or not happy.
um. Happy, it seems like a long time since I said that word.
I am going to miss summer.... I luv the sunshine and warmth it provides.
But this year, more than ever, I am looking forward to the fall.
Here are a few good reasons for my recent happiness.....words or not necessary.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Nat'l Holiday day?

Okay folks, really, we celebrate Nat'l Bosses Day?


When did this STUPID day sneak in to our calender?
One more stupid thing for me to consider spending my money on.
By the way, what does one do, when they HATE their boss?
Which, in case you haven't noticed, I do.

Okay, perhaps Hate is a bit strong, but it is right up there in my top 10. And it is not a curse word, so it is the best I can muster.

So, I get an email from a co-worker, asking all of the dept heads if we want to pitch in $11.00 each for a gift card for 'our' boss.
*hear the crickets.....

So, after some careful noodling around in that brain of mine I came up with a plan. Or rather a cheap plan.

I responded to her email and I quote 'sorry, but I have already covered this holiday on my own.'
*ha, ha! That punk is not going to get $11 of my hard earned money. And besides who waits until the day before the proposed holiday, to ask if anyone else wants to chip in? I am clearly irked today.

Here are my ideas:

- a flaming pile of dog poo

- setting fire to his desk and roasting a pig? I figure I could feed him lunch.

- I could stay home, and give him a break from *me* for a day. That could be the best gift, yet.

I decided to go to the Dollar Tree and pick him up a generic card. I refuse to give him a gift, when I think he sucks as a boss. I refuse to attempt to be nice to his face, when we have such a turbulent relationship.

National Boss's DAY - what crap. What a stupid excuse for a holiday.
Next year we are going to celebrate 'national bail-out day' because we need another reason to celebrate *something*.

Okay, I am done with my rant. But I am, for real, just getting a card from the dollar tree. Nothing else, and even that is a stretch for me. It is me playing nice, so throw me a damn bone.

That is all. Just wanted to vent about the holiday that snuck up on me.
In case I forgot to mention it. If you are lucky enough to like your boss, it is TOMORROW.
BTW - today is my dad's b-day, and I forgot until I spoke with my mother. That one would have been important to remember, and is very deserving of $11.00 or more. I will spend my money celebrating with my father - perhaps a cold beer will do. I think for $11.00, I can even buy two.
Lastly, last night we had our first budget meeting. And apparently everyone took their medicine and smoked their crack pipe before the arrived. Everyone was pleasant, agreeable - so unlike them. *Did I mention that one of the representatives brought her knitting needles and yarn.

Ohh, I forgot to mention that.

*Yep, this lady showed up, sat down, pulled out her knitting stuff and continued to knit a scarf during the 2 hour budget session.
I keep thinking these people will never surprise me - I continue to be wrong.
Look at the bright side - it makes for a good conversation.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008


Baahhh, I am CRAZ'd these days. I need a bit of comic relief. It is a bit foul, tasteless, and FREAKn' funny. So enjoy.

Tonight, I begin my budget sessions. I am back at work at 7pm to 9pm. Stuck in a room with 12 other people, all whom will argue over the STUPID stuff. I will hold thy tongue, and go home and drink. (ha!).
This month is better known as hell month in my household. I have 4 budget sessions on top of 2 regular night meetings.
On top of that, tomorrow is suppose to be the BIG talk with my boss. That is top secret, so shhhh - don't tell. I am not even suppose to know, but as usual people cannot keep their mouths shut. Bottom line, if discipline action is not set in place, I will seek outside forces. What the hell, what do I have to lose at this point?
To speak to my unstable state of mind, I laughed so hard I cried last night. Tears, streaming down my face, stomach hurting, deep belly laugh.
All at Pyper, of course.
That damn child, has such an attitude, and last night it was in full gear. I gotta get the kids on video. Is it possible to be a tween at 2 1/2?
Here is what happens:
She finds her father and I on the back porch last night, not that we were hiding from her, we were enjoying the nice weather, talking and Lance was smoking.
There we were minding our own business, when the back door flys open, a tuft of hair flys out first then this little person stands in the door way, cups her hands over her mouth, glares at me and state 'U...(she is now pointing at me) UUUUU,'.
I am startled, I look at her a bit stunned.
Well, apparently I took too long to respond. So she stomps over.
*I mean full stomp, arms pumping, head bobbing, and porch shaking. Stomps over to me, finds an empty bubble bottle and throws it at me.
I continue to be stunned. *perhaps I should have disciplined her, but I was giggling too much. Which was not helped by the fact that when I look at Lance he too is giggling. Actually, he has turned around, and you can see his whole body heaving in an effort to stifle his laugh.
So already defeated in the process, I picked up the empty bubble bottle and flung it back at her. *I know I get points for maturity, and a parent of year award. Just send it in the mail.
Any other random, yeah. Just one more.
My sister got a tattoo on the back of her neck. It is getting mixed reviews.
I personally, think it looks fine. Not for me, but fine. My mother on the other hand called it ghetto. ha! Ghetto, what does my mother know about being ghetto?
Okay, I lied. One last thing. Lance got tickets to Mizzou homecoming. Out of no-where. Him and Rylan are going to Mizzou homecoming. To say that he is STOKED would be putting it lightly. He got them for less than $50.00 as well, that makes mamma happy.

Monday, October 13, 2008


Well, it was a relaxing weekend. I am HAPPY to report. I took the time to unwind, soak up some sun, and spend time with my family.

We had football on Saturday, and we won 28-0. With each passing win the ego's get bigger. I am not sure who's head is bigger my son's or dear ol' hubbys. All I know is that, they both cannot fit thru the door at the same time, because their heads take up too much room.

Saturday afternoon / night we took some much needed down time. We stayed home, took naps, bbq'd and hung out on the back porch until close to 10pm. It was good for our soul and mental attitudes.

We woke up Sunday a bit refreshed. We tackled the inside of our home, and moved to the outside. The house now looks like we actually live here rather than a foreclosure. I mean for REAL, we had weeds growing everywhere, smudges on the windows, and trash lids sitting next to the cans. I must say, when we take the time, we clean up nicely!! Around 3pm, we loaded up and went to the pumpkin patch. The kids had a great time, running thru the corn maze, riding the hay ride, and riding the pony's. Pyper rode the pony and luv'd it. She was waving to everyone like she was a beauty queen, then she would bend down and pat the horse on the neck. I was amazed. This child has no fear, and a fondness for animals that never ceases to amaze me. As usual she was the center of attention.

Rylan picked out the biggest pumpkin he could carry. The rule in our home is ' only pick it out, IF YOU can carry it.' Because mamma' ain't carrying your pumpkin.

From the Pumpkin patch, we continued the family fun with a trip to Fortel's Pizza Den. Yumm. I forgot how much I enjoyed their pizza. It was well worth the trip.

After that, Lance did not want to go home - which surprises me, after dinner he normally wants to lounge in his chair. So instead of going straight home, he drove around, taking any road he happened upon.
This sidetracking lead our son to comment ' dad, what are you doing? You know you are wasting GAS.' I glanced over to Lance and smiled. *that damn kid is too smart.

Lance responds ' Well, I am just checking out a few places we have never been.'

Rylan 'You mean like the suburbans. Why do we keep looking at the suburbans?'

Lance and I look sideways at each other suburbans - what the hell are those?
Then it dawns on us 'do, you mean the suburbs??'
Rylan ' yeah, that is what I said. Not rural, but Suburbans.'
From the mouths of babes.

All the while, Pyper was crashed out in her car seat. The pumpkin patch was good to us.
I have photo's for later this week.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Courage or dumb? Cannot decide....

Last night I was restless, sleepless, and down right amped up over the series of events at work. I tried to sleep, I laid down, closed my eyes - but my mind would not shut off. I could not get the damn thing to calm down, shut down. I kept going over situations, scenarios and possible letters I was going to write.

I had it all planned out on my way into work. I was going to stand my ground, call a meeting with my boss and explain how in appropriate his actions were yesterday. God must have been shining down on me, because prior to making my way to his office, I glanced at my approved job duties and low and behold I don't need his approval or endorsement to issue the budget.
He was totally off base yesterday and I had it in writing.
Not to mention that the mayor put him in his place thru out the day yesterday. This only supported my cause, which is good for me. Not to mention it gave me another level of confidence.
My goal today was to stand up to this man AGAIN. So, I squared my shoulders, dug deep, marched into his office, requested a third party attend, and demanded a meeting. He glanced at me, agreed to the meeting and I began. * I summed all of the courage I thought possible. I seemed to be on auto drive.
I let him know I was well within my right of issuing the document in the manner in which I did. I informed him that my office does not take it lightly when any throws around the word 'fraudulent' information. As he implied yesterday that my office issued fraudulent information. He will need to choose his words more wisely. I am by no means going to continued to be subject to his emotional rants. I continued to let him know that I have spoken with the City Attorney, Pres of the Board and the Mayor.
His tone today changed. He was apologetic, semi defeated and deflated. I informed him that I was not looking for an apology. I will not be met at my car in the parking lot, and escorted to his office, as if I am begin led to the principal to be scolded. I don't mind being wrong, I do make mistakes, I own up to my mistakes - but yesterday was a result of his inability to control his emotions. Case and point, he told the Pres of the Board that he could not wait for me to arrive to work because he was going to 'rip into me'. So I called him on that statement as well.
I was prepared for a fight, instead I got a defeated man. My goal is not to defeat him, just to address his bulling tacts head on.
Was I scared, HELL YEAH. But now that it is over, I am encouraged that I did the right thing. I am feeling better and no longer amped up.
Stress is such a waste of my emotions. such a waste of my time.
I am not sure if it was the right thing to do, but I knew that I could let the situation go with out addressing it. It could be the dumbest thing I have ever date.
I am sure others will follow.
* I am my mother's child, and I have alot of my father in me. Neither one of them would not have taken this abuse. That i can be sure of, I just am not sure if I acted more like my mother or my father. I am re-active like my mother - but I tried REALLY hard to take some time to think about my approach, and to not be too emotional. I 'think' that was more like my father.

Last night, I decided not to go to football practice. It was wet and raining. So, Pyper and I stayed home. We decided to take a bubble bath, together. In my state of mind yesterday, I thought it was a good idea, I needed a calgon moment. Why I thought getting in the bath w/ bubbles and two year old was a good idea - i can only contribute to lack of common sense.
We climbed in and she eyeballed me from the other side. You know the look, the one that says what in the hell are you doing??
I smiled at her, and attempted to let the water surround me. I NEEDED a calgon moment. Throw me a damn bone.
After we finished making eyes at each other, we moved on to body parts. Dear god, child. Okay, not such a good idea. If I had to say one more time, 'this is my body, and this is your body.' 'Yes, those are my boobs, we don't' touch.' one more time I thought I was going to scream.
She would poke and giggle - poke and giggle. Then she decided to splash. Dear god. So I got out, and she started swimming. Thrilled that she now had the tub to herself. As I got out I could hear her singing, 'boobs, boobs. mommy's boobs. these are mine, those are hers'.
*Great, how will I explain that one to the sitter?
Once she got out, we decided to make banana bread out of our rotten banana's. She was thrilled. She pulled her chair over the counter, and away we went. That was the moment I was looking for. Cooking -good idea, bath w/ two year old -BAD IDEA.
Next time I need a calgon moment, I will wait until everyone is asleep.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

small things...

Before i made it to work today my son and I had the following conversation at blockbuster:

Ry - hey, mom.
Me - yeah.
Ry - I know why you MAKE me drop off the movie. (mind you it just goes in the slot).
Me - why?
Ry - Because I am the fastest person in the house. The rest of you would take FOREVER.
Me - *smiling* Yeap, you are right. Thank god we have you to run around for us.

*Apparently, new shoes work wonders, and make you fast.
Do any come with super-powers??

sinking feeling in the bottom of stomach?

I have been absent lately. I have been swamped and stressed.
Ever since 'pulling the trigger' I have been sick with anticipation.
Not to mention that I have a budget to issue this month.

As of today the 'powers that be' still have not addressed the boss issue. I issued packets of information to the Mayor & City Attorney. This packet included several individual accounts, in their own words, of their abuse. By several individuals I mean over 7 of them issued statements. When we only employ 73 full timers that is pretty significant - like 10%.

All weekend, I stressed over this issue. It keeps me up at night, makes me feel like throwing up, and has me walking a bit of a fog.
This morning, I was met at my car by my boss and he escorted me in to his office. *never a good sign when you are met at your car and provided an escort.
He was angry over an item I placed in the 'preliminary budget' to be discussed next week. Actually, angry is an understatement. He apparently told someone that he was going to 'rail' on me. um....fine choice of words.
I sat there, reminding myself to keep my composure, stated my case, and attempted to listen to his. His case does not make any sense, most control freaks do not make sense when they feel they have lost control. I keep reminding my self to be nice, 'play nice', 'say your sorry', nod your head & play the game. I should have won an award.
Because the reality of it is that I wanted to jump across the desk, kick the man in his balls and scratch his eyeballs out.
But no, I apologized for the miscommunication, told I would try to be a better team player. Cited reasons for the misdirection etc. Knowing in the back of my mind that this another tic on this man's ever glowing trail of destruction.
I went to work, took lunch off site - to get away.
The whole time my insides are screaming. My mind is telling me to not take this lying down. But the common sense side is telling me to play the game, and let him fail. Don't let him take me down too. And within 2 hours he circulated an email to all of the powers that be letting them know he was disappointed in a few items I issued in the budget.
His email was counteracted with words of support for my office, and questions began to arise regarding his management style. This is the beginning. This is why I must remain calm, cool and collected. Because he will self-destruct, if I just let him.
*because my budget was correct, the items were suppose to be in there. Actually, they were expected to be in there - so why would he 'demand' that i take them out. All questions that he must now answer.
In the mean time I will be subject to his attempted rants. However today, as he attempted to get louder, I simply stated 'Don't you dare raise you voice at me.'
He glared at me - I glared back.
His tone remained strong, but not too loud.
He knows I am serious, just how serious remains to be seen.

I am giving the Mayor & City Attorney a few days to review the packet of documentation. But if they do not act soon then other actions will be sought from the outside.
So NO, the shit has not hit the fan. But in the mean time, he continues to be an idiot, and continues to show people that he cannot manage. I can only hope that will won't last too much longer..........

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Leap of Faith.

There are alot of circumstances circling in my head, that I fail to share. But all of them weigh heavily on me, and effect the manner in which I function.

For a long time I have been allowing you to peer into my relationship with my ars*hole boss, well I have taken the steps necessary to bring formal action against him. This decision was not taken lightly, and now that i have opened the flood gates I must walk in, grab the life raft and hope that it does not get a hole and sink.

Two days ago I met with the new Mayor off site to disclose the degree of anger, erratic behavior, extreme emotions that my boss displays. My boss for the most part has avoided me, mainly because I fought back. I got back in his face, I ignored him, I walked away from him, and I told him I would sue him. But on the flip side, he turned his anger and terrible management style on other employees.

It is my job as a manager to protect those employees as well. As side from my own personal experiences with this man, I have counted at least 10 other people, who have been subject to this man and is tactics. These people are CRYING out for help. They are stopping aldermen in the grocery stores to tell them their stories, they are finding aldermen while they are on their daily walks to explain the extreme angry they have been subject to. They are crying at the coffee pot, speaking to the Chief of Police. They are even telling the City Attorney, personally. So tell me, why is NO ONE doing anything?? I have had more than enough.

One of the aldermen told me that the staff person 'asked me not to tell.'

What a bullsh*t response. These employees said please don't tell, of course they did. They are in fear of losing their job, or being punished.
*But on the flip side, the sought you out. They told you their story of mistreatment, they are desperate for a change and you think because they 'asked' you not to tell that you don't have an obligation to protect them. Hey, idiot, YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION!

I am beyond done. And I am going to push them to make a change.

This pushing could cost me my job, no one likes to be challenged. But then again, we cannot allow this man to be responsible for 75 full time employees and treat people in the manner in which he does. There are laws and organizations that protect us, if you fail too.

I went to the Mayor in an effort to 'follow' the chain of command. To allow the process the opportunity to address the issue first. I don't have much faith in the process, I have seen it fall apart before. I have seen the powers to be sweep it under the rug, turn a blind eye, or claim ignorance. NO MORE. It is time to address the issue. I have the EEOC and Labor Dept on speed dial. I have shared my own personal discrimination with an off-site attorney.

My breaking point, is that it is no longer about me. Aside from that it is getting worse. His anger and aggression is getting worse. I cannot live with myself if I don't protect the hourly employees, if I don't push the board to protect the employees. I just wonder how they can live with themselves, because I believe they would continue to let it happen, because it is easier than addressing the situation. Shame on them.

This leap of faith may cost me my job.
*What is new.
I know I have said that before, and it sucks that in my two years at this work place I am constantly worrying about whether or not I will lose my job. I just cannot understand how in today's society they are able to tolerate such a Hitler style of management. Such an abusive style of management.

Don't get me wrong, I can tolerate 'bad days', yelling, disagreements...this is way beyond that. And I think majority of us fear that this man will snap in the near future. What then?

I am not out to be a trend setter, to make an example. But I do have to live with myself, and attempt to protect myself. I just have been given the task of trying to protect the entire workforce as well. What a large load to carry.

I am not sure if I feel better or worse for getting the wheels rolling. The pit in the bottom of my stomach feels larger today, the lump in my throat has moved up. Sleepless nights and gray hair are sneaking up on me. I will never tell the people that I am trying to protect how much I am going out on a limb for them, I just hope that we will all get some relief. I just hope that I don't make matters worse.

Keeping my fingers crossed that it is time for Karma to give this man a good swift kick in the behind.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Trippin' tuesday.....

I am going to trip thru today. Just sort of hop over the unnecessary meetings, skip on over the bank and see what is really going on with our personal savings and my works investments.

I woke up at 4am the other morning in a cold sweat. Why. Because i suddenly remembered that my work has investments in Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac. OMG. Are you 'effing kidding me. Once i got into work I emailed our investment rep, asking for a 'clear' explanation as to the safety of the City's investments. The investment rep wrote back that he was headed to a meeting and would 'call' me in the morning. That is code for I am not willing to put anything in writing. I FREAKED out, and waited for the phone call, which I put on speaker phone so my entire office could participate. The investment rep informs me, via the phone, that our investments are safe because the government has a moral obligation to make good on the investments principal amount.

Hold the presses, is this not the biggest oxy-moron you have ever heard. The government has a MORAL obligation. That is code for we are SCREWED! I covered my basis and disclosed the information in a packet to the powers that be. Not that they will read it, but it is out there.

Something else that struck me as funny, my work keeps more than enough cash on hand to cover our expenses and gain interest on a daily basis. Last year our normal daily interest ran around $270.00 (A DAY). Over the last two months we averaged below $5.00 of interest a day. The bank rep informs that there may even be an instance where the bank would charge us and we would not earn any interest. That discussion made me 'pause'.
*Not that I was speechless, I was trying to find words in my vocabulary that were not curse words.
Let's break this down, we carry well above our normal operating expense in cash. Cash that is liquid and in theory on hand. Cash that 'we' know the bank is lending out to everyday customers, charging them interest and making well above the principal amount. In return for our 'good' banking relationship, good balance sheet, they are going to actually charge us to lend out our money.
um........NOT so MUCH.

I made it perfectly clear, IF that circumstance EVER occurred. My work would have to re-consider our banking relationship. For REAL, people. Stop trying to screw the good relationships you have. You should be rewarding the people that are in theory the 'slow and steady'. If you are not going to reward us, then let me make myself perfectly clear, you will NOT punish us, while you are making a profit. That is my work spiel.

On the home front. We have a saving account in the country, we have a 401K, we have stocks. All of this does not add up to much, but is it SAFE? I am not so sure. Yesterday had me freaking out, trying to wrap my head around it all.

I am torn over the whole deal. I personally was screwed by a real estate agent three years ago. We re-financed in an effort to take out $10,000 in order to improve our home. The re-finance set up, had us with a 5 yr arm and the check we received was less than $1,500.00.
SWEAR. Loan was loaded with back-end fees, and loads of nonsense that our $10,000 loan only gave us cash of $1,500.00. I was livid, I was screwed. I am not a stupid person, I am educated, and I believed that the real estate agent was looking out for our best interest. Let's just say, lesson learned. We once again refinanced last year to a 30 year fix rate. In an effort to right our wrong, we did not take out anything above or beyond, just lock in a rate in an effort to keep our humble home.

In an effort to bring these 'shady' people to justice I contacted every department, I could think of. The BBB, the attorney general, the real estate board etc. No one could hold them accountable for their actions. I called the company directly, and they ignored me. Why. Because they could, and they knew it.

Our stocks are minimal, I dabble in it to see how it all works. I have an account thru sharebuilder that I have been working on for the last 5 years. I don't have any 'big' names, a few small names and I don't have more than 80 shares in any one company. It is interesting to watch the stocks rise and fall based upon the 'news'. Some of our stocks are in foreign companies, these stocks remain slow and steady. um.......that gives me something to think about.
I am confident that my family will make it thru these troubled times, we may have a greater change in lifestyle than we already do. But we will be together non-the-less.

In the mean time I am going to take out my little savings account and place it under my mattress. *Just in case.
Word to the wise, what I can really gleen from all of this is the following:
1) Pay your house payment on time
2) reduce your credit card debit, these creditors still have free reign to charge enormouse interest rates. Try to get debt free.
3) Reduce your lifestyle if necessary. Try to pay cash for items these days. Try to keep cash on hand. (just in case).
4) Don't be afraid to lose it all, and start over. Count your blessings and remember that your life is bigger than the almighty dollar.

Any other words to wise? I welcome your advice.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Upbeat, and Friday.

I cannot believe that it is Friday already.
Where did the week go?

Between the sickness, the days off, the sleepless nights, the meetings and phone calls I totally lost the entire week.

I am glad to report that everyone is feeling fine. Everyone returned to their regular scheduled program:

Lance - back to work (yeah) see channel 140 for further info.
Pyper - back to the sitters, she sauntered in there today like she owned the place. See channel 440 (drama queen channel) for further info.
Rylan - back to school, practice and preparing for his Sat game. See channel 550 future althele channel for further updates.
Me - back at work, shuffling papers around and trying to look busy. I am going to drink my starbucks, and perhaps have lunch out today. See channel *666 for the Antichrist will return this weekend.
I am beyond blessed in my life, and at times fail to mention it, recognize it or embrace it. I am lucky to have a husband that is my best friend, and the angst of my existence at times. He has been great all week, and yesterday, he took Pyper to the pet store. He stayed home with her, and embraced every moment of it. He had dinner ready when I got home, had Rylan's home work done, and completed the laundry. I don't give him enough kudos, so here they are. *Don't spend them all in one place, and don't let them go to your head.

My children are beyond special to me, and it seems like I really don't say enough 'nice' things about them. Pyper is the funniest, most animated person in my life, I love her to pieces. At the same time, she is so much like me that we drive each other nuts, I mean bonkers. We will spend our time seeing who will give in first, who can be the most stubborn or annoying. At times she wins, and others - um....not so much.

From an outsider looking it, it may appear dysfunctional. Don't be fooled - it is. However, I shower her with enough hugs, snugs and ladybugs to make up for our personality differences. I sleep with her in the middle of the night, because I know my nights are limited. And as much as I complain about it, I secretly luv it. I love to reach over and feel her snugly skin, and silky hair. Her breath could kill a cow, so I try to avoid it as much as possible. She will be too big to want to sleep with her mother soon enough, so in the mean time I give up a few hours sleep to soak it all in.

Rylan, is my soft soul and rambunctious child. He is the balance in our house, he has a calming effect just by walking into a room. He has such love, and affection for his family members that he wears it like a badge of honor. He does not require alot of attention, which is good, because Pyper sucks it all out of the room. But he does relish in it, when given the opportunity. This football gig has him growing more confident, less whinny, and more manly. He is losing a bit of his boyish charm, and shyness. These characters are being replaced with a cockiness, and sauciness that will find his butt in the corner so fast that he does not get $200 for passing go. It has been excellent to watch him grow up, to see him 'get it', to see him 'fit in', and to see him 'learn'. I find such happiness in my small little family, such happiness in being around these people that I could gush.

So even when I am running around my house looking like Medusa and spewing angry words, there is a degree of loving them still happening.

I am done with the sappy, soft stuff. Here is another reality kicker. Football game tomorrow at 8am. Be there at 7 am, for warm up. The coach recommended that we get our kids up at 6am so we could feed them, and they would be 'awake' for warm up. *see me rolling around the the floor like child kicking and screaming. 6AM FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!! I hate football, even more than usual.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Political - maybe?

Too good not to post, regardless which party you are voting for......

Love loss??

Today has been tough, I have been pissed off ALL day, and it gets worse with each passing phone call.

First off, Pyper is now sick. The child is home today with her father, so I made it to work. Only, after I paid in boogers and blood to get out of my house. The child was up at 4am, with a fever. I tried to give her the necessary medicine to cure the fever and go back to bed - the child spit it out. My head was about to spinn off. Then said child dumped her cup all over the couch. Angry does not begin to describe my mood. On the second attempt of getting the medicine down the childs throat, i shot it in there, and held her lips shut. Blew air in her eyes until she swallowed. It sounds worse then it was, REALLy. Once her lips could open she was screaming at the top of her lungs. I scooped her up, and brought her down stairs and placed her in the middle of my bed. *the bed where hubby was snoring the night away without a care in the world, while I am dealing with the devil child.
Pyper was back asleep in 10 minutes.
6:00 am, came really early this morning. Pyper whimpered from the moment she got up, nothing pleased her, nothing made her happy. Once she realized that I was leaving and she was not, she was hysterical. I mean HYSTERICAL. For the love of god, give me a drink and some drugs.

You would think this would be the worst of my day, um, well, not so much.
Because most people suck!
My boss sucks, I dealt with him on my way into work.
Then I get to work to find out that a 'family' member has been bad mouthing me and dear ol' hubby.
Can we say final straw???
I personally tried to call 'said' family member, and luckily he was not home to answer his phone, because I had a ear full for him. Then, after some further thought, I called my hubby and told him to handle it. It is with his side of the family anyway *which sucks.
I have been more than tolerant with this particular relative, I have bite my tongue on more than one occasion, but no more. I.Am. DONE.
So this particular family member has major control issues, major drinking issues, and frankly just sucks. He is not happy unless he makes everyone around him miserable. I refuse to get sucked up into his warped world. Apparently his 18 yr old daughter has gotten her self into a bit of trouble, while away at college. His daughter is my niece, whom I stay in contact with. He has taken it upon himself to tell his father, sisters and the whole town that the reason his daughter is in trouble is because of the manner in which Lance and I have influenced her.
*see eyes roll in back of head, and middle finger flipping up.
My words to him: *Hey dumbarse - you are the parent, she is kids. She will make dumb decisions, she will drink & drive, she will go to the bar, she will have boyfriends, and she will not obey your every wish.
If you choose to blame anyone perhaps you should look in your own household. You know the one that you created with fear, beatings, cruel words and control. Your being a control freak, and a piss poor dad is the reason she is acting out, the reason she is not talking to you. When you say things like 'your hips are getting big, it must be from spreading your legs.' You can imagine what that does for your childs self esteem. Not that you ever cared, you preferred that she never had a sense of self or worth. You want to blame me. FINE. I can take it, but be big enough to pick up the phone and tell me about it. Ohh, that is right. You are not that big. You are only a big talker, who persuades with anger, punishment and fear. Those tactics don't work on me, you know better than to call me, because I would tell you to kiss my a*ss.
I feel no love loss between us. I am sorry that my husband is subject to you as his brother. This is not the way brothers and sisters act. You are a poor example for a parent, friend, husband and brother. Shame on you.
I am not always right, not always sane, not always on target. But i have tried and am done with you. You are toxic in my world. You spineless fool. There is no love loss between us, as your world falls apart I pity you. May your 'god' save your soul, as you continue to live your lie and spin your web of lies, it will catch up with you. As you continue to be jealous of other people, their possessions and their loving relationships - it will catch up with you.
I sleep well at night, loving my husband and my family. I have enough love for yours as well. Your daughter needs someone to lift her up, and embrace her - the good, the bad, the ugly and the mistakes.

*thanks for letting me rant, I feel better!!

I am really tired of the toxic people in my life. I cannot get away from this man, but I refuse to be a part of his control game. Lance did call his brother today, and his brother did tell him that he was saying all of those things about us. Lance just said ' if that is how he feels Michelle then there is nothing we can do about it.'
Why are men so damn dumb? Well, at least his brother knows we know.......let the games begin.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Mending the homefront.........

Well, it is 4pm on Tuesday and I feel like it is still Sunday.
Somewhere among the frantic weekend and the sudden sickness, I got lost in time.

I just made it thru today, and I have idea what the hell I did all day. I know i did alot, my desk looks like a wreck, and my calender was packed full. But damn, if I can remember what I did two minutes ago.

I was home yesterday caring for a sick 7yr old boy. He woke up a 1am on Sunday morning, letting me know that he needed to puke. So, once I wrapped my head around the notion that someone was actually talking to me at 1am, my eyes flashed open, my feet hit the floor and we found the local toilet. We spent the next 7 hours making frequent trips to the porcelain god or sturdy trash can. He was a sad soul all of yesterday, with his never ending fever and puking. I spent the day changing sheets, pillow cases, wiping down door knobs, and attempting to kill the germ before it takes over my household.

I sent Pyper to the sitters, she was feeling fine. I figured a day away would be good for her, and hopefully keep her far enough away to not get sick. Well, so much for my effort- it was futile. Pyper woke up last night with a fever. DAMN,DAMN, DAMN.

So today, Lance is off work (they are slow) and he has both kids. Praying that tomorrow everyone can get back to their normally scheduled program. Highlight of the sickness, we won't make practice tonight.

As a side note and to highlight the normal everyday stuff, today is my 8 year anniv. And the reality is that I forgot - which in turn means that Lance prob forgot as well. I am just to damn tired to even care, besides it is a Tuesday - who celebrates on a Tuesday?
I put reminders on my calender today to remind me to go out and get a card & 'something' - but i just kept pressing 'snooze' and alis it is 4:18 and I have not gone anywhere.

If I thought my stunning personality and rockn' bod would cut it I would not be so freaked out. *But since I am crabby, tired, and middle age - I prob should stop by and pick up a cake and beer.

Then I can call it a day.

8 years ago he would have settled for sex and drinking ;
today we find cake and beer - because sex is out of the question.
I am TIRED and I have a headache.

Look me up in another 8 years when the kids are gone, we can have make-up anniv sex. *pencil me in.

Happy Anniv from our reality to yours......

*thank you to a. di for the text reminder as well.


Nieces & Nephews and Kids...