Wednesday, January 20, 2010

unsuspecting hero(s)

So working for a fire district has been interesting 'if' nothing else.
As I get to know the guys and they become more and more comfortable with me, this one thing imparticular stands out.
They as a whole don't want to be seen as heros. This struck me as funny.
Little kids look up to fire fighters, men and women are grateful to them for saving their luv'd ones and their homes (if possible). And yet they don't want to be placed in the hero box.
My response to one of them was just this 'don't be a dream killer. suck it up and move on.'
As we continued our talk, it became evident that some where along the lines of being a fire fighter they feel that they are placed on a pedestal that does not allow them to be human or make human mistakes.
Yesterday two of our paramedics lost a guy. You could see it written all over their face, the grief; but at the same time this is their job and they must move on. In speaking with one of the guys he stated, 'you know we assessed the situation, and it was one of two roads to take. we choose one way to address the situation, I still feel it was the best choice; but then again we will never know.'
I sat back and listened, as they worked and talked thru the nonsense in their head at that moment. You can see both of them struggling with the events of the day, and somehow they need to find away to make it all okay. I sit back and wonder how they do that.........
As they move on to a more typical topic like home life, kids ect. You can see they are trying to be distracted, trying to get away from the series of events.
Then we head back to the hero subject. And one guy says ' I am only human, and I suck, I don't want to be any ones hero. I am doing my job does not make me a hero.'
I laugh out loud. I tell him he is a cry baby and to get over it.
Here's how I see it.
These guys/gals go into situations that make the rest of us run the other way. They go into situations against their better judgement, against every fiber of their being that tells them to run the other way - because the situations are dangerous. They are life and death, they are gory, they are gruesome; and yet they go. They put fear aside, they make instant life or death decisions and they go into all sort of situations that make the rest of us cringe.
I sit at a desk, and crunch numbers - not quite the same pedestal.
We continued talking and then I had this to say as well;
'okay so as humans you guys all prob suck. It is prob hard to be married to you, prob hard to put up with you. ' As the masses put you on a pedestal you have to understand that not for one moment do 'we' (as the general) see beyond your fire truck and gear. We never see the person underneath the gear - and for us that is okay.
As I spoke one of them said, 'I never thought of it like that. Thanks for the prospective.'
I smiled and said 'as and FYI you are a jackass. but at the same time IF I was ever in an accident I would want it to be you that saved me. I trust your decisions, trust your instincts and trust that you did your absolute best. Secondly, I trust you won't look at my underwear in the back of an ambulance (unless you absolutely have to) -ha!!'
Let us place them in the hero box, and once again don't be a dream killer.
We all need someone to look up too.
I work with 132 hero's and yes folks as far as general men go; they suck.
As far as fire rescue and paramedics go, some of the best. Welcome to my world of hero's, it is a tough job.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

finding others...

When I went to Europe and live in a flat with 12 other students I met a girl from Tulsa OK. Both being home grown and corn feed we migrated towards each other. I found her to be striking, she had bright blue eyes, naturally curly hair and cheeks that were naturally blushed.
I luv'd that...on top of that she was easy to talk too, we had a lot in common, including our new found European adventure.
During our stint in Europe we would take classes Mon-Wed and Wed afternoon hop on the train with our Euro-rail pass in hand and ride. Sometimes we would have destination in mind, other times not so much. The Euro-rail was like a ticket to travel heaven. So Wed - Sat or Sunday we would travel from country to country. Not knowing the language, not knowing how to read most of the signs and not knowing how to order off a menu - we were for all intensive purposes 'winging it.'
We found ourselves in a hairy situation or two - and how we managed to survive and walk away with a good story and smile still amazes me. We met SO many people, saw so many places - some touristy, and some off the beaten path. Back then it felt like we would stay friends forever, never lose touch. Once we got back state-side. I went to see her in OK, she came here and this went on for a few years. Then somehow we lost each other while living life - you know, getting married, getting careers, having kids etc.
There are moments when I am struck by a situation with her and I feel the urge to find her. Which is SO darn easy these days, I just had to get off my butt and get it done. So two days ago, on Facebook I found her. See sunshine and care-bears surround me. Facebook what a wonderful and terrible invention all wrapped up in one place. Wonderful - because I luv being able to keep up with people and stay in touch w/ family and friends. Wonderful because it totally rocks my world. Terrible for the same reasons, it is distracting to me. For as each moment passes I wonder who has posted, what are they doing - anything exciting, anything better than what ever task i am attempting to accomplish? Ohh how there are times it haunts me, because I just want to know - and know it all.
Such a girl!
I guess after I think about, it is like one big gossip site with photos and everything. Luv it!
I found her, I reached out to her - she is in Hawaii. Yeah, can we say plan ticket and road trip?
Its funny to me how people just sort of pop back in to one's life and how the ones you thought would stay close forever seem to fade away so easily. Bottom line I am stoked to have found her, to see her face in her profile made me gasp. Yeah! I live for moments like know the good ones. So as I play catch up with a dear friend know that I am forever and grateful and haunted by facebook -ha!!! Ohh the curse...sometimes the shame, ha!
Although it is proving to lead to good things, great friends and a few good laughs. whoo-hoo.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


OKay so I am firm believer in Karma....
I totally believe that what goes around comes around - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow and definitely not as quickly as I would like at times. Being mindful of ones thoughts and actions is tough at times.
Sometimes against all efforts and against all reasoning things happen. One day we wake up and things have changed. CHANGED.
I used to be terrified of change, terrified of alot of things. Not so much anymore.
I dont' have all the answers, I ask alot of questions and still find myself swimming in a pool of self inflicted nonsense. Happens.
So as I enter 2010 here are some things that I do know.
It is okay fail, as long as u learn something
I should have been 'nicer' to myself 10 yrs ago
I don't have to have all the answers, but I am working on it - ha!!
For every tear you shed you find a reason to smile
In lou' of all of the nonsense I have been truly blessed
I am so glad to have siblings and a best friend from childhood -they see thru all of my nonsense.
I am glad that my children have each other
It really is a miracle that we wake up everyday, live your life to the fullest and have no regrets
*make mistakes, but don't regret them*
Money does not equal happiness
Being alone is okay
I am not going to make any resolutions this year it seems retarded to spit out a list of generic items that I will never achieve. In the next month or so, I will forget every item on my list. So why bother.
As I enter 2010 I wonder what the future holds and wonder if I am learning the lessons of the past? On New Years day - we read our horoscopes (me, mom and Courtney) for the year. It was something fun, something light hearted to take in stride. They discussed the moon, starts and how they align and what house enters what sphere of living. A whole lot of technical mumbo jumbo - to let me know that changes and challenges are coming. Well, hello - tell me something I didn't know. Unless you are living under a rock your days and years will be filled with changes and challenges. Get ready for the ride of a lifetime, welcome 2010...


Nieces & Nephews and Kids...