Monday, June 24, 2013

38 Another year..

So as 38 creeps up I am not sure what to really do with it....
Do I look back and think DEAR GAWD, look forward and think what the HELL, look at the present and DRINK. haha!

Um. As I look back, I can honestly say I have no regrets. Mistakes, well hell yes! Regrets - umm, not so much.
My bad choices were still choices that I made, of some of them with sound mind and middle age body - so, yeah, I own them all of them.
Some life lessons, some just fun over the top choices that make for a darn good story even today, and some I was totally forced into and the choice was made for me regardless of my stance.

As I look forward...hell, who looks forward, I can barely get through the next hour, let alone try to think about what the hell the next day, month or year will hold.
I hope it continues status quo. I hope my kids stay happy, I hope my friends keep smiling, and that my family continues to put the FUN in dys'fun'ction. Beyond that I pray for sleep and perhaps more time on the treadmill. That stupid biz-nitch in the basement taunts me everyday as I walk by her. I know she is looking at my butt, smirking and saying 'you know rather than spending that hour on the couch you really should be walking right here!' I walk by and I flip her off..thats all I really have for her today and possibly tomorrow.

As for the present, I am LIVING The American dream. A house, a job, two kids a car and a damn dog. Does it really matter if I like, luv or hate any of those items. NOPE. Just grateful to have each and everyone of them.

I am not totally bothered by 38...I don't think.
However as middle age continues to creep up on me, I have constant reminders....that gray hair that is starting sprout at my temples. Yeah, it is starting to form a retirement home for gray hairs, before where I would have one or two, now have a damn retirement community. They keep inviting their friends and family. I am not very happy about this one!!

The wrinkles that continue to form around my eyes...you know the ones that would be there when you smiled back when you were 28 and then your eyes would remain bright. Well, now when I smile and the wrinkles kick in they seem to stay longer and grooves get deeper. No so happy about this one either.

I am avoiding back fat at this moment, but I see it wanting to form and taunt me as well. How about we make a pact and you hold off another year or two, until we can have a few drinks, get to know each other and make friends.

The stomach that never completely returned after having two kids. You know what, I'll take it. You and that damn 15lbs that won't go away. Well, I really don't try to terribly hard to make either one of you leave, so as long as I can keep my hillbilly happy hour of red wine and Cheetos I keep you around. If you invite extra lbs to the party, we will fight!!

To the butt that continues to fall. I am reminded everyday by the midget who is butt high, how big you are and how I apparently have two butts. You know the one that sits up where it should and then this one that sort of cradles it below, like a smiley face. Yeap, so far so good for 38!

For the most part I am totally comfortable in my own skin and it has taken the better part of 38 years to get there.
I never had any real hopes and dreams of being married, with kids and the white picket fence. If I ever envisioned the fence, I am sure it was on fire!
So, as I wrap up an 11 marriage and try to figure out what the hell I really do when I grow up, I am finding peace in the here and now.
My marriage produced two wonderful kids, a home and houseful of memories and I am lucky to say that we co-parent really well and are much better not living under the same roof. I don't think I will travel down the path of my parents and divorce and re-marry each other; I do think we will always remain friends and do what is best for our children together. Any major damage, hate or raw emotion is gone between the both of us - we have come out on the other side of this just glad to have remained in tact and friends. Not friends with benefits, not friends with any real emotion other than wishing each other best in whatever form that is and as long as it is not together - haha!

At 38 I have a job that would love to be able to love. I love what I do, but wonder if for my emotional state of mind, if I shouldn't do it somewhere else. But with each job change, I end up having the same thoughts and emotions. So maybe..just maybe it is me?? I am lucky enough to not be shoveling horse shit or cleaning toilets, so for right here, right now I will take it.

As I approach 38 I know that I have spent a lot of time looking for and searching for god. It is has been a long road, a lot of different religions, a lot of different books and here I am a firm Christian. And comfortable in my skin with this, it is a nice place to be at 38. Not sure I ever thought I would get there. As I continue to embrace it, I am hopeful that I am teaching my kids that their words, their prayers and their actions hold meaning. I pray that when we act we do it with grace, wisdom and kindness. I pray that they understand and are greateful for what they have and that just because you ask for it and don't get it - doesn't mean god wasn't listening. Sometimes the plan is bigger than you can see and you must get up everyday walk the walk, survive the perceived failures in order to get to greatness.

My son has taught me a lot about being humble, human and soft. My daughter has taught me a lot about patience and just pure joy. And together they have defintly made me a better person. So I mold them for the rest of world, I pray that I get another 38 years to be their mother, to watch them grow, fail and survive. I pray they look back on their life and smile. There have been tears, and there has been joy and laughter all around them.

I think as I approach 38 that I need new goals. I am in the process of eliminating chaos from my life - which is weird. I never realized how much I had in it until you try to start to get rid of it. At first I missed it, it was all I knew, I even craved it or found myself seeking it. And now, well, now I am good just in a space that is somewhere between lonely and content. Learning to be okay in ones own skin is a chore, hell it is a challenge...but damn when you get there, who knew!!
I am trying to make better choices about the people I let into my life and space.

As I approach 38 I know I am blessed with great family and friends! I have had my best friend since I was 5. We are total polar opposits, we are like the odd couple, but it works. She keeps me grounded, keeps me laughing and keeps me guessing! The best thing my parents ever did for me was give me siblings.... my sister is golden. And my favorite line from her, which we used drunk one night to call my brother (as we were in the taco bell drive thru) 'I love you despite your imperfections.'
Gawd we thought we were funny that night. We are total rockstarrs in our own mind. She makes me laugh, smile, cry and feel totally at home and safe in her space. Her children fill my head and heart with joy and laughter that makes me want to bottle it up and sell on the side of the street.

There are no lines between the love we have for our aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. The love is wide, thick and intoxicating. If you see it from afar you are drawn to it, like bees to honey. We are funny, we are loud, we are loving and by damn we are ROCKSTARRS. If you are welcome in to our world of nonsense than you are member for life, regardless of whether or not you stay married. So yea, Lance will be at every family function. Some people live 80 years and never feel the joy and love that I have in my minor 38.
So guess what, I'll take it! Every freakn' bit of it, and smile all the way..

As I approach 38, I know that I am not going to settle. The joy and laughter is mine, in every failure, every stride I take and every person I encounter.
I refuse to live this life without it. I refuse to allow people in my life that are dead set on taking it from me. I can tell you what I won't tolerate and that IF I ever take the leap of love again, I am NOT going to settle. Lance and I were young, we had a lot of growing up to do, and life has a funny way of moving you in different directions. I tried to pay enough attention to the life lessons from my years with him. I did not settle with him, I took a leap of faith and this journey is taking us in two different directions. Still enough respect and love to understand the joy and love it held. And respect it enough to know that it is no longer there. Whomever steps in again had better be strong, flexible and willing to deal the crazy....it is crazy, but is joyful, soulful and so full of life.

I know that despite any flaws and failures that I am going to be okay. I did not know that a year ago.
I know that I am no longer afraid of the 'unknown' and that every failure and mistake is leading me to something great!
I know that a life full of smiles and laughter should be the norm and not the every so often.
I know that you must have a warm safe place to fall when necessary, you must learn to lean into your friends and family.
I know that being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness- well this one I know in thought but am finding it difficult to put in practice. (baby steps)
I know that now I sound like a damn self help book and wanna stab myself in the eyeball...

I WONDER what I will learn by this time next year..........

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