Sunday, August 26, 2012

We shall see what the future holds...

I keep thinking that if I don't swing by here, my emotions may go away. However despite my wanting things to calm down or go away; my head swims with thoughts and emotions that make me feel like a hormonal teenager. I am in a funk at work, actually I don't like it. I am overwhelmed, I am always swamped and the light at the end of the tunnel does feel like a train trying to run me over. The emotions that I encounter on a daily basis due to the fact that my livelyhood hangs in the balance of three board memebers that know nothing about me or what I really do. Recently, I am struggling in my personal and professional life all at the same time. I am not sure how to get either one back in check. I don't think there has ever been a time at work where I felt good and was totally happy to be there; and recently I am having anxiety and night sweats. I've starting reading at night everything from trash to guidence and enlighteing books trying to find my balance. Trying to ensure that I remind myself that my personal self worth is bigger than today, a project and so much bigger than what the ppl i work with actually think of me. As easy as it sounds, it is much harder for me to accomplish on a daily basis. Most days I give them too much power over my head and my emotions. I fail to remember that they are just ppl too, that their actual thoughts about me don't matter in the end. Their actual actions are theirs to own, not mine; nor are they always mine to correct. I am suppose to have good times, hard times, smile, laugh, cry and isolate at times - welcome to life. So why is it when I go through everything but the smile and laughter I feel like I am alone and the only person to have ever experienced huge disappointment, saddness, lonelyness. I guess the one thing I can count on it that in the end there will be change; one way or another. I have to stop trying to control it all and learn to just ride the wave a bit and smile at the small things; and thank god that i woke up and that my kids are heathy and smiling. My relationship with my mother is beyond strained, her judgement is hard to tolerate at times. I wonder if I will treat my children like that as they get older, if their decisions will disappoint me to the point that I make them feel small. Gosh I hope not. But I can see how easily it happens. I see where she is coming from, but wish at times she could just let it all go, know that my decsions today and tomorrow are not a direct result of her or her parenting. And once again, as i travel down this road of life, I am suppose to fall, scrape my knee, make mistakes - even ones I know are wrong; however it is not hers to fix, judge or own. It is all mine. Lance and I are doing our best to remain friends and work well with each other, for the most part we do a fine job with this. Our children, despite our continued mistakes, smile, laugh and have that shine in their eyes. You know one, the one that kids are suppose to have, the one that makes people smile back at them. for me, I am still technically married; and so is the guy i continue to see. There it is, thats it. That is what has everyone totally upset with me. At my house we call him fred, and the relationship with fred came out of the blue and has been completely unexpected. We have tried to fight it, ignore it. Hell, I dont' know. Here is what I do know. For today, right here, right now, it is all good. We talk, we laugh, - gosh we talk about everything, we laugh at everything and everyone. We respect each others limits, and provide a total challange to each other. Super damn smart, so smart he is a total pain in the ass at times. ha! I won't be saying much more than that. At least not now. My children have met him, it is always totally generic, dinner here n there. Lance has spoke to him, they was awkard im sure, but they too have an understanding. And me, well, we are both wounded, guarded and afraid of just about everything. Soo we find ourselves just enjoying the company without any pressure. So for today and tonight, it just is what it is....and tomorrow, well hell, who knows. It will remain interesting.....I never thought 11 yrs ago when I married lance that I would end up here, I never thought 3 yrs ago when I took this job, that I would let it take my emotions, give me night sweats and steal my sleep. What I did know, was that I would not loose my faith, never forget that I have two great kids and just the sound of their breath is smoothing, and that in the end the only person that can make any changes is me. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself, and in the end it will be me and god. I plan to stand there and hold my head high, in the meantime I plan to attempt to trust him. Knowing that he has a plan, and am suppose to let it unfold and not always fight it. Good night, until next time.

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