If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.

So as i continue down this path of uncertianity, I find my self out of sorts at time. Actually alot. I sit back and wonder how did I become 36 and my life appear to be in shambles. Divorced, 2 kids, a dog and job - yeap, Im living the american dream!! But then again, I could not stay married to lance, despite loving him, and I do, we are not and were not compatibale. Just not. um...so sad at times. So as I get the house, and kids full time and work full time I am finding myself overwhelmed. I have a yard to mow that would be fine if I had a normal mower. Nooo, I have some souped up self proprelled mower that is bigger than me that I cannot work and so I am angry. He comes over this weekend, to show me again how to use the damn thing, I hit a tree, it rolls down the hill, and I cry. I can mow the damn lawn, I am women hear me CRY!! I spent all weekend using the weed eater, the pressure washer and if you think I am going to let the damn lawn mower take over you are wrong!! B...

Okay so here it is April of 2012 and I continue to fall of the face of the earth. I am not sure if avoid this space in my life because writing about my life terrifies me or if I just forgot how good it feels to put my emotions from my head to some paper. I feel like I am in a bit of a free fall, falling 18 stories and trying to look into each window that I pass, hoping to get a glimmer of some degree of normal. I look in the firs window, looking to everyone working, smiling and getting along. I wonder how do they do that? Is that really possible? Why does my degree of normal feel like such choas? Lance and I continue with the divorce, for all intensive purposes, it is going well. We are being civil, we are keeping our children at the center and trying to keep our emotions out of it. There are times when this is just impossible, but honestly we are trying. As sad as it is, and believe me it is sad, it is also necessary. Our children are great, and a great source of joy and smile...

Okay folks so I've miss you!! Ohh my how i have missed, you. I drive around with thoughts in my head, wondering where to put them; what to do with them; and all along I should have just stayed here. Soooo....the good news is I AM back. The bad news is, well it has been a roller coaster and well who care at this point? I am back. The kids are good. Ry started the 5th grade this year, he has a striking reslemence to Gumby these days. Tall, lanky and skinny. I fear he may be taller than me within a year. He has a smile that will melt your heart and eyes that tell the story of his day or his emotions for the moment. Aside from the ortho and his retainer we are on a pretty steady low with him right now. Which is a good thing; nothing too new on the horizon with his cleft so we are just enjoying the break. Over the summer we dyed his hair with a few blond tips; he thought he was cool. Then a few weeks ago we got his ear pierced for good grades. He is growing up and as a happy as a ten ye...

I cannot believe that it has taken me so long to get my butt back on here. Actually I was in the middle of a post on NYE, while at work when the sirens went off and a tornado decided to came through the city. So in an effort to save my life and attempt to live just one more stinkn' day, I went to the basement and forgot about the silly post. New Years eve came and went, and so did new years day and now 2011 is in full swing. Actually the whole freakn' month of January came and went without much out of me. Swamped does not begin to touch the amount of work I have got to do. I just implemented an upgraded version of our payroll, we went web-based. I had two ladies switch jobs, I am installing new financial software and because I am a total crack head. I just went out to bid for NEW auditors. OMG. I think I might puke! I am working late, feeling like crap and burring it at both ends. On top of it all, Lance is STILL home and we are about to kill each other. I read somewhere ...

I'd like you to meet Rylan Alexander DePew, born March 30, 2001 way too early in the morning. He was born bi-lateral cleft lip and palate with the possibility of other symptoms and syndromes. At our 6mth ultrasound they asked us if we would like to abort, I lay there in horror that they could even speak such words, as I see him sucking his thumb on the monitor and his heart beating. The nurse lets me know that 60% of people that find out they are not having the perfect baby abort. I begin to cry. Listen I am already a freakn' basket case, afraid and terrified of being a new mom without the idea of having a cleft child looming over my head. I was not the poster child of health and healthy living, but then again I was not Courtney Luv either. I have never done drugs and lead a pretty active life style - working out, traveling ect. I did not date alot, nor have I had alot of boyfriends actually less than you can count on one hand. So, I was baffled as to why we were having a child...

Well this weekend has come and went just like the wind that blows strong today. And here in STL winter has taken a strong hold today..... Friday night I went out with some friends from college. We met down town had dinner and then moved on to Shiver. One of the guys bought dinner, on his corporate card, we all paid for own drinks. Here is the kicker, I was surrounded by mostly Russians and I found myself attempting to enjoy a glass of red wine with dinner only to have them order rounds of vodka shots. I'm not a shot girl. Let alone before my dinner even arrives. Apparently they do vodka shots with everything and anywhere. Then the follow it up with a pickle. I know - a PICKLE. We went to shiver - a dance club with a room made out of ICE. Very trendy. And the first round of drinks - you guessed it shots of vodka. OMG . Give me some water already. I've decided that I cannot hang with the Russians . Saturday the family went to make ginger bread houses at a friends house...

I got nothing really. A head full of nonsense, and random thoughts that keep me up at night. Thanksgiving was a bit of blurr. I did not get to see my sister or brother that day, but in a gift from god, got to see both of them the day before. It was a totally shitty day, rain, cold and flat out gross. I was running late, because I had to run the kids to BFE and I was not at my desk for more than 15 minutes when I get a call from my sister. And much like late night calls that put you on high alert an early morning call from any family member other than my mother can only be bad news. Well, low and behold - not bad news. She was on her way to the airport and wanted to know if I wanted to tag along. She got a call that my brother was flying in and he needed someone to pick him up. Things are a bit tense for all of us right now - not worth throwing out there all the gory details, because within in time it will all blow over. But tense none the less and I can assure that with my brother...