19 and then some...
With the chaos of the world today I am not sure where to start..
Its interesting to me that I remember being pregnant with you when 911 hit, I was driving into work at a software company in Ladue when I heard it on the radio.
I was already so terrified about having a baby, let alone a cleft baby and now a terrorist attack?
I remember writing you a letter and placing it in your baby book for you to read when you turned 18.
I read it when we packed our stuff and moved out of the house you grew up in.
I read it and I cried, tears of sadness, joy and just an overwhelming sense of love.
From the beginning my son, have been a great source of compassion and love. You have been a fighter, in a fight you didn't even know you had to fight.
You became an example to friends and family, and example of strength and compassion - you never even knew you were setting the tone.
You became a baby of a generation of families breaking apart, parents broken on the inside and trying to find themselves, yet trying to raise little souls.
I find myself daily, asking what am I doing and how in the hell do you raise a 19 year old boy?
There are days I am failing terribly and then there at days like the other day when I know, at its core, we are going to be okay.
The other day, you came up to hug me. I was skeptical of you - as always, and all you wanted was a hug.
And you looked hurt, and you said, "I was just trying to hug you mom. I kinda give the best hugs."
In that moment I realized I missed your hugs, like the good feed your soul hug. We are always so busy, saying I love you's when we pass by or hang up the phone.
So in the moment, I asked you to come back and just hug me. And you are right, in your 6'4 body that towers over me, you hugged me tight and I took the moment to enjoy it.
The core of you is good my son, the core of you is strong, compassionate and funny.
You are such a good source of balance to our little house.
I know that since leaving high school it has been one journey after another as you attempt to find yourself.
I am in a constant reminder that your path is not mine, nor is it the one that I had envisioned for you. That seems to be our theme throughout your life.
I would say left and you went right. I would say no, and you would smile and say watch me.
I would say you could not and should not have surgery after surgery and play football and you got on the damn field every time.
As I sit on the sidelines now and watch you find your way, I am cheering for you and attempting to support you. But I need you to walk, I need to take steps and I need to you to start to find things that hold your smile. I cannot do this for you.....it is your journey, go after it.
I continue to work everyday as the once again the world falls apart around us. And once again we just sort of plug away in the best way we know how.
We talk daily, we get outside, we have a house full of music and games and sunshine as we can.
I drag you on walks with me, drive us around with the radio on full blast just to drown out the worldly noise and give us all some level of normal.
Practicing gratitude has been something in our household that we practice every time we say our prayers.
Yesterday when we face-timed Courtney and Eve sang you Happy Birthday, it hit your soul. It was just yesterday you were that soft soul that we all poured into.
Even at 19 it is necessary that we pour into you, but you must do the work as well.
During this time I need you to pay attention, see your path and find your smile.
As we talk you keep telling me, "I don't know what I want to do with my life."
And my response "You don't have to know, you just have to do something and keep doing things until you find something."
Somehow we keep finding our selves standing still. And then it dawns on me, that as much as it feels like you are standing still, perhaps you are gathering the necessary strength to find your next best life.
The world and I have asked so much of you over the last 19 years. For 19 years I have asked you to trust me as I was winging this thing we call life.
For 19 years, I have made decisions that I had hoped would keep you and your sister happy, healthy and whole.
Even in my mistakes, we found joy and love.
For 19 years I have taken you to doctor after doctor and surgery after surgery and asked you to trust the process.
A process that scared the crap out of me and one even I didn't understand. I watched you be a warrior in a manner in which I have only read about in books.
I saw grit, grind and hustle in your eyes every damn time. So perhaps now that you are done with it all, you deserve a minute to take it all in and settle.
This has been the first full year in which we were not seeing doctors or discussion surgery. Nothing looms over us, and now everything looms as I am looking at you to figure out your life.
This is the first full year in which the world as you have known it is no longer the same in any aspect.
New place to live, friends have come and gone, no more high school, no more schedule to keep. Those are alot of changes for anybody.
We talk, we fight, we yell, we cling on to each other for some level of peace.
I try to be a soft strong place for your head and heart but not too soft or too strong. Hell this is difficult for us all.
The foundation that has been set for you is strong, it is solid and it full of support and love.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds for you, let alone what the next year holds.
Just know that I am here, I am pushing you and every year we look back and smile at the lessons learned, the adventures we had and the new ones that will occur.
One thing that we know is that we are always pushing each other, we are always dancing, and attempting to find our smile - this next year will be no different.
The rest of your life will fall into place, you must do the work, you must show up and you must go through all of the uncomfortable situations as they present themselves.
It will be messy at times, it will be fun, it will be sad and it will be yours. You do not always have to do it right, you just have to do it.
So as you teach me to be a mom, and a now a mom to a 19 year old boy, I promise to try my best if you do........sent with all my love, and a huge hug.
Its interesting to me that I remember being pregnant with you when 911 hit, I was driving into work at a software company in Ladue when I heard it on the radio.
I was already so terrified about having a baby, let alone a cleft baby and now a terrorist attack?
I remember writing you a letter and placing it in your baby book for you to read when you turned 18.
I read it when we packed our stuff and moved out of the house you grew up in.
I read it and I cried, tears of sadness, joy and just an overwhelming sense of love.
From the beginning my son, have been a great source of compassion and love. You have been a fighter, in a fight you didn't even know you had to fight.
You became an example to friends and family, and example of strength and compassion - you never even knew you were setting the tone.
You became a baby of a generation of families breaking apart, parents broken on the inside and trying to find themselves, yet trying to raise little souls.
There are days I am failing terribly and then there at days like the other day when I know, at its core, we are going to be okay.
The other day, you came up to hug me. I was skeptical of you - as always, and all you wanted was a hug.
And you looked hurt, and you said, "I was just trying to hug you mom. I kinda give the best hugs."
In that moment I realized I missed your hugs, like the good feed your soul hug. We are always so busy, saying I love you's when we pass by or hang up the phone.
So in the moment, I asked you to come back and just hug me. And you are right, in your 6'4 body that towers over me, you hugged me tight and I took the moment to enjoy it.
The core of you is good my son, the core of you is strong, compassionate and funny.
You are such a good source of balance to our little house.
I know that since leaving high school it has been one journey after another as you attempt to find yourself.
I am in a constant reminder that your path is not mine, nor is it the one that I had envisioned for you. That seems to be our theme throughout your life.
I would say you could not and should not have surgery after surgery and play football and you got on the damn field every time.
As I sit on the sidelines now and watch you find your way, I am cheering for you and attempting to support you. But I need you to walk, I need to take steps and I need to you to start to find things that hold your smile. I cannot do this for you.....it is your journey, go after it.
I continue to work everyday as the once again the world falls apart around us. And once again we just sort of plug away in the best way we know how.
We talk daily, we get outside, we have a house full of music and games and sunshine as we can.
I drag you on walks with me, drive us around with the radio on full blast just to drown out the worldly noise and give us all some level of normal.
Practicing gratitude has been something in our household that we practice every time we say our prayers.
Yesterday when we face-timed Courtney and Eve sang you Happy Birthday, it hit your soul. It was just yesterday you were that soft soul that we all poured into.
Even at 19 it is necessary that we pour into you, but you must do the work as well.
During this time I need you to pay attention, see your path and find your smile.
As we talk you keep telling me, "I don't know what I want to do with my life."
And my response "You don't have to know, you just have to do something and keep doing things until you find something."
Somehow we keep finding our selves standing still. And then it dawns on me, that as much as it feels like you are standing still, perhaps you are gathering the necessary strength to find your next best life.
For 19 years, I have made decisions that I had hoped would keep you and your sister happy, healthy and whole.
Even in my mistakes, we found joy and love.
For 19 years I have taken you to doctor after doctor and surgery after surgery and asked you to trust the process.
A process that scared the crap out of me and one even I didn't understand. I watched you be a warrior in a manner in which I have only read about in books.
I saw grit, grind and hustle in your eyes every damn time. So perhaps now that you are done with it all, you deserve a minute to take it all in and settle.
This has been the first full year in which we were not seeing doctors or discussion surgery. Nothing looms over us, and now everything looms as I am looking at you to figure out your life.
This is the first full year in which the world as you have known it is no longer the same in any aspect.
New place to live, friends have come and gone, no more high school, no more schedule to keep. Those are alot of changes for anybody.
We talk, we fight, we yell, we cling on to each other for some level of peace.
I try to be a soft strong place for your head and heart but not too soft or too strong. Hell this is difficult for us all.
The foundation that has been set for you is strong, it is solid and it full of support and love.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds for you, let alone what the next year holds.
Just know that I am here, I am pushing you and every year we look back and smile at the lessons learned, the adventures we had and the new ones that will occur.
One thing that we know is that we are always pushing each other, we are always dancing, and attempting to find our smile - this next year will be no different.
The rest of your life will fall into place, you must do the work, you must show up and you must go through all of the uncomfortable situations as they present themselves.
It will be messy at times, it will be fun, it will be sad and it will be yours. You do not always have to do it right, you just have to do it.
So as you teach me to be a mom, and a now a mom to a 19 year old boy, I promise to try my best if you do........sent with all my love, and a huge hug.
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