Thursday, March 9, 2017
Midget is 11 and counting....
This one right here was born today around 11 am in the afternoon. Right from the start she came out hair crazy, eyes wide to the world and smiling. Not much has changed in her little 11 years. Her hair is always crazy - she has so darn much of it. Her eyes are wide to the world and she takes it all in with such joy and passion. And her smile, well that will light up a room filled with darkness. Just the other night she asked me at dinner 'Mom, are you glad you had kids?' Perhaps is was one of those 'stressed' nights where I was acting like nut job and not taking the time to remind my kids that I love them and needed the world to slow down a bit. I stopped mid sentence, looked across the table and smiled at her - took the time to look her in the eyes and said "having kids is the best thing me and your father could have ever done. You and your brother are the best parts of us. God took the good the parts of us, put them in you and then you just made them better." She sat back took it in and smiled. You know the smile where you feel like you had a moment - a fleeting moment, but a moment none the less.
I am a bit sad today I drag my butt into work, knowing that I wont get to see her today and wait for tomorrow to come. However as a working mom, I just could not make it work. Plus I have a meeting tonight, which means I will be here past 8pm. It is also her dads night, so she won't home. So as we speak last night, and she is at her dads, I ask her to understand in her little 11 year old heart, that I know it your birthday and im sorry I won't see you, but I love you. As we were on facetime I asked her if she wanted me to bring her presents to her dads in the morning or save them until Friday. Friday I can take off, but thursday I cannot. As kids of divorced parents, as hard as we try, there are times when we feel like we fail, and this I can assure you is one of them. So as i beg for understanding and receive it, I am grateful. She prefers that I hold on to her stuff until tomorrow when we can celebrate in person.
Mind you her father and Katy his gf are great! The perks to being part of a divorced family is that this birthday gig never seems to end! Today she is shopping with Katy, Tuesday I took her to get her hair done and to dinner. Later this month she will have a bowling party and perhaps a sleep over. She took cookie to cake to school to share with her friends on Wed, mind you because they do not have school today or tomorrow.
So lets do the math, two cookie cakes, cake at her dads, cupcakes from me and later this month another cake. Perhaps this is not a bad gig if you like cake!
Either way as much as I try to comfort my heart with all lovely people stepping in and loving her today, the core of me hurts. She understands, but deep down I am sure she hurts just a tad bit as well. Perhaps on my drive home I will do a quick swing by for a quick hug n snug before I end my long day and crawl into bed. And by tomorrow all of our emotions will be fleeting and I will attempt to over compensate for my failure.
Back to the midget and this days of hers.....as we enter 11 we enter boys, makeup, shaving, talks of periods and the never ending snapchat. We encounter bullying, body shaming and conversations even about suicide. We are real, we live real lives and yes we talk about everything. Things that make us cringe, things that make us cry, things that perhaps keep me up at night. But they are not as frequent as we talk about silly stuff, laugh, take a road trip, say our prayers and thank god for the things we are grateful for -these things we do daily.
In my house it is understood that life is going to be hard, but it is going to be worth it. Life is not always easy, that is why it is life.....and we are going to fight, cry, struggle, and love. But we will remain in grace and love - even when we move a bit away from it all, we always try to come back to it.
She is in the in between stage of such a child and becoming a teenager. We walk and find pokemon, yet want to wear blush and gloss on our walk. Why for the love of PETE do we need blush or gloss. She tells me she wants to sleep alone, yet gets in my bed at 3 am every night. She eats ice cream and still licks the bowl. Hell after dinner, if it is good I will have to remind to not lick her plate. I have to tell her time and time again to not use her fingers to eat. You cannot go on a date and use your fingers (unless your Rachel!!); you must know how to use a knife and fork. She won't put her shoes on all way, the back of her sneakers are pushed in - drives me NUTS. Yet, she walked out of the house the other day in a pair of my boots.
All knobby knees, floppy feet and half ass ackward - but darn cute. Then it dawned on me HOLY HELL those are MY SHOES. She is big enough to wear my shoes, my shirts and my pants. It is happening she is 11 going on 20.
She has a laugh that will light up a room. She still sings in the shower at the top of her lungs, has earbuds and music on always. While in church she will stand, clap and sing. She is loving, and has mama instincts that I never owned. I am loving and loyal, but i missed the ticket when they were passing out motherly instincts. I go the reject ticket that said " you will WING it, good luck! Please don't kill anyone." I kill everything but my kids and currently my dog. They are beyond the point of me checking for a pulse in the middle of the night or putting the glass mirror under their nose, but I am filled with joy everyday I get to be their mom. Daily I question why in heck god gave me kids - hell Lance and I kids for that matter. I mean really!! The conversation about boys makes me wanna puke, the conversation about mean girls makes me want to hurt other girls, the lazy kids in my house makes me want to scream, and then it happens. I find myself totally entertained with the stories, facial expressions, music, travel plans, family talks and I am grounded by the i love you's and hugs each and every time they leave the house or we get off the phone.
Everyone should have a little midget in your life, you make it brighter. Much love your mom