Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Color me ALL Grown up.

This blogger thing is a 'funny' little monster. In that you put things out there and in hind site you can never take back. Which is just fine with me, because I don't really want to.

Blogging is good for me; I carry so many emotions that without a release I feel like I would burst sometimes. Despite most of my entries, I feel a sense of relief just by getting it out there...

Which leads me to yesterdays' post. Prob not my best post, you can file with the rest of the BS that I have put on this site. After my post, I did not feel better; actually I felt more frustrated then when I started. Out of all of the people in my life, the last person I want to fight with on a consistent basis is Lance. The last person I want to be disappointed in, is Lance.

As we called each other yesterday, we continued the charade of being civil to each other; without being loving. This charade pissed me off....so I packed up my stuff, told my office I had an errand to run and I went home. Yeap, in the middle of the day and stormed in side. We were going to lay this crap on the table and have it out. I was not going to spend my week tip-toeing around it all like the big elephant in the room.

He was surprised to see me, then we began talking.
Well, screaming at first.......................
Here is what we agreed upon:
- We have a communication issue; this goes both ways.
As a result of our Saturday spat, I was not planning on coming home at all Sat night. I was in the 'i'll show you mode.' Only, I could not see spending $300.00 on a room at the Casino, so I went home at 2:30am instead. And woke everyone in my house up.
  • Not my most mature moment. Which is sort of the point of this. I realized when I speaking 'at' Lance (YES, I speak 'at' him; he is not allowed a word edge-wise until I am done) that he may have made some mistakes on Saturday; but so did I. Not my most grown-up moment. And yes, I was thinking out of spite.

- We will attempt to respect each other. I say attempt, because we are still 12 at heart, and with both of us being as stubborn as mules, neither one of us will give in or be humiliated.

  • So as he humiliated me on Saturday, I set out to give him a taste of his own medicine. Because I am classy like that. I know that it drives him nuts when I go out with my sister. Not that it is her; as much as it is that we see no one other than Joe Dirt. And he hears all of the 'stories' of bad behavior that he hates the image that is left in his head when I leave. This is not a trust issue - he totally trust me; he just hates it. *which by the way I get. And earlier that day I told him that I didn't think I was going to go, because I know the drama attached to it all. So he was surprised when I jumped in the car and left at 6pm. Surprised would put it lightly - he was pissed. Hence the fight.........
As we wade thru this marriage......we agree on the following: We don't want to do this 'marriage' thing with anyone else; nor do we want to live alone. *So, since we have nothing else going on - we might as well stick it out a few more years - ha!!! The last sentence is a joke.*

The other night made me realize that I miss my close group of friends. I miss having a girlfriend to call on the fly; rather than being stuck at the mercy of a Joe Dirt night. Did I really want a night out SO bad that I would subject myself to the drama that is attached to Joe Dirt again - that answer is YES. I wanted a night out. I needed it, and regardless of the parameters - I took it.

As I explained to Lance, I actually spent an hour or two gambling by myself. Because the dynamics between my sister and her group were too much for me to put up with as well. I spend all week being a single parent; because he is working nights. That I could not see beyond getting out of the house. Couple that with his afternoon attitude and you can color me a damn brat.

And three days later, i put on my big girl panties and cleared it all up. Given our stubborn streak, we could have stayed mad forever. Cheers to not being mad, and to growing up one fight at a time.

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