Monday, July 20, 2009

Scarr

Today we went to our 3 week check up at Children's Hospital.
We were cleared for everything.
He can have chips - as long as he puts them in the back of his mouth. We must still avoid utilizing our front teeth too much. However the bone graph seems to be a success - the doctor even feel the bone in his gum line.

Two days ago the tape on his hip came off. The tap was attached to the surgery site. Apparently it is some new fancy tape that NEVER has to be changed. It was attached to the stitches, and once the site was healed it came off. It was water proof and everything.

Under the small strip of tape is a scarr. If I get enough courage, I will take a photo of it.
But for right now seeing the scarr makes me want to throw up. Makes me want to cry.
I put on a strong smile when I look at it for Rylan, but it symbolizes so much in my mind.
For one, that is where they cut him open. That is where they physically hurt him on purpose - the purpose was to cut to the bone, open his bone and dig out the marrow. *cringe, cringe, cringe*
The reality of it hurts my heart.

As a mother that carried him for 9 mths and has luv'd him since I saw him rolling around in the ultrasound, the scarr reminds me of my failures. Reminds me that as normal as he may look - he is cleft. And because of his cleft he was subject to such pain and now a permante scarr. I feel part responsible. I feel part ashamed, and I know I shouldn't - but I do. I would give anything to make him okay, and to ensure that he never had to be subject to another scarr.

This is scarr number 3 on his little body - two in his lip line and now one on his hip.

I pray i can keep his emotional scarrs to a minimum; but to subject him to a process that produces a scarr intentionally seems wrong to me.
I know he needed it, and I am glad we did it. But I am saddened by the constant reminder. I feel like I have failed him in some sense. I feel like I should have done better, should have protected him more. Or done crazy things like ate more fiber, folic acid etc. I guess as a parent you always play the 'what if game'. I've seen my mother do it 100 times, and when she does it I think she is crazy. But today, I wonder what if I had just been 'better' - would he have been okay?

He will wear his scarr like a badge of honor - and he should. He has so much to be proud of. It will remind me of this summer. The summer he was 8, and I allowed the hospital to add one more scarr to his body in hopes of keeping him 'normal'. Today, I cannot take a photo of it.
I hope to be stronger tomorrow.

1 comment:

Farrell said...

You did not cause it, it just happened. You are a good mother and Rylan is an amazing kid. We are all learning from him. He seems to have a very positive attitude and outlook on life, and thank God for that:)

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