Thursday, July 2, 2009

The room

It is the operating room at that hospital that freaks me out the most.

How would I know that - because I go back w/ him until he is under.

The room smells like a hospital, it is bleak and sterile.

The only splash of color are the scrubs the doctors and nurses wear. And in an effort to try to lighten the mood they put characters and colors on the scrubs. I try to imagine being 8, on a kiddie cocktail (they really call it that), and being laid on the operating table surrounded by a bunch of big heads in red caps w/ snoopy. With the kiddie cocktail surging thru your veins, he prob feels like he is tripping. I imagine it being WAY too scary. I imagine him hearing a bunch of voices talk around him, but not too him. I imagine him being terrified as they strap him down to the table and begin poking him with needles. I imagine him wishing someone was around that he knew, that could comfort him. This is why I go back. I want him to feel and hear me, even in his head. Even as he goes under. He can take the rest of it in stride -the room, the people w/ snoopy on their head, and the drugs that will begin to surge thru his body. And hopefully somewhere in it all he will find a sense to remain grounded, to hear a voice comfort and know that the hand touching him is mine.

This room scares the living hell out of me. It is the place I tell him good-bye, it is the place I leave him scrawled out on a table looking dead and helpless. It is the worst memory to keep locked away in that swirling head of mine. This is the most challenging mom moment I have, and just getting there and walking thru it takes all I have.

I can only imagine what it is like for him, and with that thought I have find the strenght o walk into and out of those doors.

Today at noon, we are the last surgery of the day.

We must be there at 10 am for prep, this includes the kiddie cocktail and then the room.

It will take anywhere between 2.5 to 4 hours - Lance likes to say 3 hours I lean closer to 4.

Really way to long for his little soul to be under. I hope he has nice thoughts, I hope he has good memories to hold on too, and I hope he knows we luv him.


A Buns Life said...

good luck sweetie...everything will be fine. I'll be thinking about you all. hugs.

Farrell said...

That was a good post. I'm thinking about you guys...


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