Thursday, February 12, 2009

betrayed...

betrayed.
I feel betrayed by my own body.
I look at it, and I am not sure it is mine...I mean really who owns these body parts?
flabby knees /saggy boobs / extra 10 plus lbs / wrinkles / gray hair / and back fat.

Dear god, who in the hell invented back fat? Prob the same man that invented the bra....damn that man. It is prob my bra that caused the back fat, I am sure it squished and squeezed my back to the point that it just would not go back in place. I plan to put some voo-doo on that man, I am sure google will give him up.

I want to blow up my scale. I keep getting on it hoping it will magically move.
Instead it speaks to me it says ' oh little grasshoppper, I will move - just in the wrong direction!!'

I am sure if I had a talking scale it would say things like
hey lady get the hell off me - you exceed the limit.
or hey lady would you mind moving your boob off my face so you can see the number
or hey lady, you know if you hold on to the sink - that is cheating'; let go and see the real number.
or my favorite one would be -ha,ha,ha! Why don't you go eat that cake and then come see me -we should talk.

You know that damn scale number gets stuck in my head, it haunts me day in and day out. I have begun to hate my scale. I liked my house much better when I lived without one. I will get on it with my clothes on and then immed shut the door, lock the door, double look the door - stripp naked, make sure I shaved (we all know leg hair weighs like a lb or two) and then try again.

And if one more person tells me that 'muscle weights more than fat' I am going to shove my fat finger in their eyeball. What a load of crap....but here is what really burns my ass.

I have been working out, to gunnar peterson dvd. Using my medicine ball and my weights. I have been walking and not eating alot - so what give? Why the added weight? Damn I could spit fire, it really pisses me off= grrrrr.

And to top it off, because I am not happy unless I torture myself, I ordered a swim suite. the diva voice inside of me is screaming 'oh no you didn't girl!!! not a suite in that white, body.'

So yes, my body has betrayed me...
I use to have nice C boobs, I mean for real they were nice. At one time they were perky. I should have luv'd them then, I should have taken the time to appreciate them.
But NO.....I was too busy. So now, two kids later I have just a small B or a big A -take your pick. I choose the B, and I fill the cup by rolling up my boob and shoving in the padding. Only after I inspect it because it has started sprouting little hairs which creep me out as well. As I stated earlier - whose body is this, because I don't recognize it. And on top of that I don't like it.....

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a stick. That also grosses me out - I mean Ick.
I want to be healthy, but I also want to eat a cheeseburger with fries and not worry about if my butt will have one more crater on it. I have gotten to the point where food and drink are actually making its way to my mouth and insantly hitting my body. I think I could chew gum and gain weight. I could look at a table next to me and gain weight.
Has anything really worked for anybody out there....
aside from starving yourself?
having your colon cleansed (aka pooping all damn day) - no thanks, that creeps me out too
I mean something simple, easy - like the lazy mans version.

I want someone to email me and say oh yeah Michelle I have just the plan for you
it is the - chocolate, wine, and cheese plan. It is so easy to follow, just show up and eat!!!

You know you have wrinkles when you wake up and look in the mirror and skin under your chin is stuck to your cheek, that crease around your lips won't go away until after your shower - because the water made it plump. Someone tell me how early do you get gray hair?? I don't have alot - but I am seeing more and more. What gives.
I am sure it is god punishing me, because I have been making fun of Lance's gray sprouts. But for real god, that man deserves it - don't be a hater. show me the luv'
ahem. I am too upset to keep this up, I want to EAT and drink my thoughts away.

1 comment:

Farrell said...

I feel the same way, girl.

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