Monday, March 30, 2009

Another year....under his belt.

I remember having him, in my drugged out haze and arms that did not work - I could hear him screaming across the delivery room. The scream was delayed, he was born blue, born failure to thrive - on top of being cleft.
The chips were stacked against him, and I sure did not help.

I was hopped up on so much morphine I thought my toes were glowing, and could not feel my legs. His birth was not picture perfect, his entry into the world was tough.

The instant I hear him cry, I lost a part of myself. I was losing my ability to be so darn selfish...this screaming kid needed me. His cry touched my heart to the core. I needed to hold him, to touch him, and I needed to cry. He was here and I was terrified, and ecstatic all at the same time. Me, a mommy. Him, a son - a child of god, and now my child.

Made me question if god really knew what he was doing?
For real, he must be handing out kids like candy - Lance & I were no way parent material; or so I thought.

I remember leaving the hospital with an empty car seat and crying all the way home. Mommies are not suppose to leave the hospital without their babies and now I know why. Even thought I could not change a diaper, I knew I needed him close. I know I had SO much to learn - and yes, he was my learning curve. I may have gotten an E for Effort and an L for love - I luved him so much I could burst. And as my learning curve, I clipped your nails too close, didn't know how to clean your pee-pee (it freak'd me out!), and hit your head on a wall or two. Sorry, does not seem like enough - I am just glad you survived having me as you mommy.

As a baby I could never picture him growing up.
Is that weird?
I mean seriously, I never pictured him beyond the baby stage. Perhaps because his baby stage was filled with so many unknowns for me that I could not see beyond the next hurdle. Too bad, I am sure I missed some really good moments, begin wrapped up in my anxiety driven world.

Eight years has come REALLY FAST. I could never see beyond the sleepless nights, the crying, the feedings; shame on me. Although all of it seemed worth it, when you smiled at me. Your little broken smile could brighten up the darkest room.

In your eight years of life, you have taught me so much.
You have taught me that special needs is just a label.
You by the way, are not - special needs. You are not failure to thrive, and as you eat me out of house and home - I figure it is punishment for believing such nonsense. *For real, you eat TWO subway sandwiches this past weekend in one sitting (gross).

They said you may never excel in school - well once again color me WRONG.
You made all A's (again) this past report card. This makes me wonder whose child you really are - clearly these are not your dad's genes at work.
At this rate you will be smarter than me, oh by, tomorrow. ha!

You have a stubborn streak that is starting to make me crazy, but is tempered by the way you luv all things good and bad. Such as your sister - even in all her badness; you luv her. For instance when she was poking you in the head w/ the DS pencil - you still hugged her. A level of compassion I will never understand, but find amazing. I would have slapped my brother silly.

You make me want to be a better person and for that I thank you.

Your sister makes me want to drink, and I appreciate you being on the opposite side of the scope - it helps. When I yell at you, you are instantly sad - a reminder to me; that I don't need to take out my frustrations on you.
Some say our eyes are the window to our soul - I would say that applies to you. Your green eyes are so telling of your mood, disposition and happiness. As we enter the world of DS games, Moster Trucks, 4-wheelers, Metallica, friends, 2nd grade and Pokemon. I pray that you continue to make me your best friend, continue to think you father is the coolest person you know. We are so lucky to have you, and hope you have the best birthday ever!

Happy 8th Birthday my fry guy- I luv you!


Farrell said...

That is seriously the best post you've ever written. You almost made me cry. You need to save it for him to read one day.
I remember the first time I met you was when you had just gotten back from maternity leave after having him!
doctors can be wrong too - and clearly they were. But his thriving is because he has good, loving, encouraging parents that believe in him. And "a few" smarts of his own:)

Kim said...

I too remember Rylan's first days with us here in this crazy world and even though 8 year old Rylan doesn't know me like I wish he did, baby Rylan sure did and he touched me as if he was my own. I love you all so much and miss you desperately. Rylan happy birthday honey and even though you don't really remember your Aunt Kim you will always have a special place in my heart. I remember many hours of holding you so your mommy could rest and even more hours in the hospital as we anxiously waited to hear the doctors say that one more time you were ok. Young man you are truly loved. And yes you are special in so many ways..but only in the good ways!~

Michelle said...

Farrell & Kim,
Thank you so much.
It's funny, I worked with both of you when Rylan was born. You saw me at my weakest moment;and now see how much my family has grown.

Thanks for tagging along on the journey. It has been fun - cannot wait to see what the next 8 yrs will bring.

Jutta said...

I am the proudest aunt ever! You, your children, and yes, my brother are such wonderful parents. It's no wonder Rylan and Pyper are such precious, loving children.
We all thank God for the privilege of having children that stretch our ability to cope, understand, love and nurture these ever changing gifts we call our legacy. I love you Michelle and am honored to be your sister-in-law.


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