Thursday, September 18, 2008

What to do......

I am REALLY struggling at work.

I don't think I am cut out for politics, I don't think I can in 'good faith' stand the behind the scenes with the nonsense that goes on. There are bad deals begin made, there are indications of scheming going on, and am having a hard time getting thru it all. I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. *big surprise. I am to the point where I want to shout it all from the roof tops, call a spade a spade and pick up and go. Just go, go on with my life with my head held high and my pride in tact.

But what if I am wrong. Although, every part of my intuition tells me that I am right. The stuff going on around here 'smells foul', it has a continuation of bad deals swirling all around it. And with each passing meeting, and each statement being made, the players become more and more clear.

A statement keeps ringing in my head 'sometimes the right thing to do, is the hardest.'

So, do you keep your job for the sake of a pay check (a roof over your kids heads, food on the table). Or do you walk that fine line of potentially getting fired in an economy that sucks. Do you have the faith to believe that it will all work out? That god will keep you from falling. *That the the idea that the 'good guy' always wins will REALLY play out??? Seems like a big risk to take when I have so much to lose. Or maybe it is gods plan that I do fall. Fall down, scrape my knee for the sake of getting back up again.

Can I really live with myself, if I don't speak my mind? Can I shut off the babble in my head that keeps me up at night? Can I get rid of the edge in my voice and frustration that mounds daily?

I am finding it hard to even look at people in the same light. I refuse not to look them straight in the face, but then wonder how they can possibly live with themselves. I look in their eyes for some sense of self, some indication of what I 'think' bad-people should look like. Well, apparently they look just like you and I. They sit up there on their moral horse, spouting right from wrong, good verses evil and pride. They hold their head high, walk with a stride that commands attention, all the while they are backing the bad guy, taking away people's right to make good, informed decisions, and perhaps lining their own pockets. They have mucked up the core basis of the conversation with colors of gray.

Is it enough to just tell some people? Or is it better to tell someone who will actually make a difference? *babble,babble..........this is only small level politics, I can only imagine what goes on in the state and federal level.

I am shaken to the core by a series of events. I am angry beyond words, and disappointed in people that I have no real attachment to.

At the same time, I have children to raise, children who will lead by my example not always by my words.

example: Like telling my children 'don't lie'. And I go shopping and don't tell Lance. My son hears the words, but he see's me lying to Lance. *Not a big lie, not one that would really cause any major issues. But the actions are not the words set forth. The action is what is most important, therefore the words are meaningless. So when I tell them to do the 'right thing, stand up for their principles' - am I willing to do the same?

Welcome to the test........

Perhaps they can all just kiss my a*ss. Pucker up butter-cup.

Thank you to everyone who sent warm thoughts and wishes. I did not do anything rash, but still got my point across. Welcome to wading thru the sh*t. Thank you, thank you.


Farrell said...

WOW - sounds juicy. I really want to know what's going on over there!

A Buns Life said...

First and foremost, you need to protect yourself and your family's well being. Get yourself another job before doing anything....these people can and WILL get you blacklisted if you stand up to them or go against the grain....this will prevent you from getting any other job in any other city. Guaranteed. You are the primary bread winner here girlfriend and these are touch economic times. This is not something to be taken lightly....not that I think you are, but just don't do anything rash.

Terra said...

That is a hard one... I wish you tons of luck, I am a cut my nose off type of person and I would squeal at the top of my lungs. However, I know we can´t all be that way, and I also know that worry for your family is so hard...

I so wish you tons of luck, and hopefully you will work it out...


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