Friday, May 8, 2009

Re-gain footing on friday

I am so glad it is FRIDAY.
This week has been pretty odd for me, I woke up this morning and thought it was Thursday.
Somewhere in the week I lost a day - which seems to be pretty typical these days.
I am not sure which day it is and whether I am coming or going.

So at 9am this morning I sent a thanks but no thanks letter to a controller position.
Damn that was hard! I WANT to continue with the process, I WANT out of here - this place is stealing my joy, and killing my spirit one emotion at a time.
But for the life of me, I just cannot leave - yet.

I need the 4 weeks that I have built up to care for my son & get paid during that time.
It sucks to have to stay here and feel this way, but I have to believe that god is good and that things are in the works that I cannot see. I must 'trust' the unknown. Which is a stretch for me, I hardly trust the reality of daily living.

I have to keep reminding myself that it is really okay, and that I can do this. I have to keep 'finding' my joy in the small things (a small hello, a smile from my kids, and a kiss from my husband). So far 2008 has been a humbling experience for me. I only hope is am paying enough attention to learn whatever lesson is begin presented before me........because right now, in the thick of it, it is all scrambled around in my head and all I see is gray, dark skies. The light at the end of the tunnel is not the light to guide me out of this hell hole, it feels like a semi-truck w/ its high beams on and I am the target.

A worker came to see me two days ago, he popped in to see how I was 'doing'. This man has been here 8 years and knew that I have been looking and was checking to see how things were panning out for me. Two days ago, things looked good - one foot out the door. I was on my way.
He basically asked me not to go, said 'people like having you around, and we need you.' I said to him 'I don't know that I can stay and keep fighting. It is taking its toll. I feel off kilter, and the mo-jo in my house is BAD.' He said to me, the age ol' line of b.s. 'patience is a virtue, and perhaps if you make a decision about not looking you will be back to normal.'
In the moment I laughed him off, chalked him up as a wise guy.
Because we all know the bad mo-jo is from Lance *wink*.

So in my search for an answer, I got several.
Some were among all this crap, I still need to stay; and deep down that sucks.
I just had another fight with my boss yesterday. I so want it to stop, and I was so close to being able to tell them that I was going to be gone. I WANT to tell him off, I want to flip him the bird - I want to punch him in the face and give him a weggie. PLEASE!!!

Then I scheduled surgery for my son, and my heart dropped.
A worker came to see me to ask me to stay. This is out of character for this guy, he is a maintenance worker, pretty unassuming, pretty happy go-lucky and really not involved with any work b.s. He just shows up, does his job and lets the rest of the world revolve around him.
His words kept ringing in my ears ' patience is a virtue.'
Okay, so WE all know that - but to practice it, and pay attention to the message.
I had to sit back and pay attention to the person who delivered the message, as well as the message itself. Okay, god - I will take a step back.
I will be upset that I need to, because I really don't want to. I will trust that I still have something to learn, give and gain from this experience with the City. Although at the moment it all seems tainted. Tainted, I tell you.

Writing the letter to the other job prospect, in the middle of a recession, declining the second interview was HARD. I did not want to do it, but knew I needed to.
So as I realign my life, I need to realign my emotions - because right now I am cranky and sad.

*I am sure by now everyone has heard that Joshua was found. The small town in MO is thrilled and holding a parade for him. Thank you to everyone who prayed. I know god is good - even when things look bad.*

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