Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Somewhere in between

I just realized that I forgot to post on father's day - which by the way I did not see my father. Yes, folks - for the record; I SUCK.

We spent all of Saturday on the river and by Sunday we were spent, no excuses -just reality.
So in an effort to not be a complete arse, I did call my dad.

Luckily enough for me, that is enough for my father. He is not a big Hallmark holiday kind of guy - as I have said before he will dazzle you with the little things so you had better be paying attention. Secondly, I am not sure that he is up to company - well company with kids. Or should I say company with kids for an extended period of time. He is still, much to his displeasure, recovering from being hit while riding his motorcycle. He luv's us and our small children, but in the same token, he does not mind luving us from afar.

Which by the way, I totally get, and for the record totally don't mind. My small twinge of guilt comes over not seeing Lance's dad for father's day. For gosh sake the man is going to 80 in July, we prob should have made more of an effort to drive our happy arses down to the country to see him. Luckily, he already had bbq plans - either that or he lied to us, so we didn't feel guilty for not coming down.

So in the mist of ditching our own fathers, we celebrated father's day at the DePew household in a mild manner. We all slept in, we all took naps, we lounged around had steak-n- crab legs, then I made a cake. For Lance, it was ideal. For my household, it was good for the soul. These days we are somewhere in between being run ragged and forcing ourselves to take some much needed down time.

I know you must be thinking, how in the hell can someone who has had three weeks off need some down time? Without going into too much I will say it is complicated. While our house hold is strong, others around us are falling apart ; plus emotionally I am a basket case. Aside from every appliance going out, my purse being stolen and the damn tree falling on our home - my nights are haunted by our pending surgery, and the struggles of my new job.

In a way I am grateful for the new job distraction - it keeps me from thinking too much about the surgery that is 9 days away. However on my way back from dropping Rylan off at day camp today, it hit me. There I was driving in the car and crying. like a freakn' baby, like someone who has raging hormones. I did this type of thing when I was prego - which by the way I am not. I am PMS'ing which might explan the ragining hormones. (maybe?). I am somewhere between being overwhelmed and grateful for the multiple distractions.

Rylan has day camp right up until his surgery date, which is next Thursday. And today Pyper took her first gymnastics class. I am running around like a damn chicken with its head cut off trying to work full time and be a mom who makes every thing - because I refuse to fail at either one. Somewhere along the line I am failing something - I mean for real, something has to give.

So I think it is my sleep. The brain does not shut off, the mind does not stop wondering about all of the what 'if's' ; it keeps haunting me with the surgery and the pending work stuff I have not gotten my head around. All of this has lead me to believe that perhaps I am an over-achiever or just glutten for punishment. I would prefer to view myself as a slacker - I like that much better, but my choices tend to lead to the other direction. Which in turn leads to my craziness.

I am greatful that Lance and I are strong, loving and healthy. At least on that front, I am not distracted - actually I am comforted. It is nice to be married to your best friend, it is nice to know that you can be yourself and it will all be okay. I am not sure if I could take the stress of us know doing well, and luckily I don't have to find out.

I am trying to get a lot done in a short amount of time, I find no comfort in that - I have to keep reminding myself that in the end it all does not matter. In the end I had better be a good wife and a mom; because nothing else matters. My children will not remember that I was the Controller, but they will remember if I didn't make it to gymnastics, and if I was not strong enough to keep it together for surgery. they will also remember how their father and I treated each other during these tense times, and lucky for us we just keep on truckn' and smiling.

Here we are last weekend at my mother's trying on wig's while everyone else is asleep.............it is Lance, me and Rachel. Thank god for spouses and best friends. These photos will make us smile for a life time. *if you ever find yourself somewhere in between, find that someone who makes it tolerable, then take a few photo's as a reminder of where you use to be. Document the journey, enjoy the ride.*


Jennifer said...

Thinking about you!!!!!

Farrell said...

It seems to me you are just feeling the stresses most mothers and wives feel: trying to be good at everything, the new job, kids' activities, etc. Just do your best; you don't have to be perfect. I too have problems shutting off my mind at night...
Hang in there:)


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