Thursday, October 8, 2009

waiting

I have been absent lately, and not from lack of things to say, just a lack of how to say it all - and it not come back to either bite me in the arse, or regret how I decided to communicate it all.

I am waiting for all of the muck to work its way out of my head, waiting for a little relief, waiting for the full moon that seems to have driven everyone out of their 'effing mind to get back to half cocked rather than full.

It seems like the tides, currents and moon have all aliened to throw me curve ball, after curve ball and it has frankly sucked. I feel like a i am walking around with a damn target on my head, and both of my middle fingers are in the up-right position. Because these days I frankly don't care. Folks, that is bad place to be......

I am not one that 'waits' well. I am normally a fixer, normally gett-er done kind of person. But some of the issues are not mine to fix, others came out of the blue because people are CRAZY. (reminds me of that song 'god is great, beer is good and people are CRAZY - that seems to be my theme song these days).
End result is that I have brought it all home and now Lance either has to wade thru the muck with me or put some distance between us. He has decided to put some distance between us, because recently I have been a damn basket case.

So in an effort not to torment my family I went to see my doctor. I broke down, admitted my inability to process it all, fix it all, and not be overwhelmed by it all and was once again prescribed the dreaded little blue pill. That was earlier this week, I am waiting for the little blue pill to kick in and give a happy medium gauge -rather than the raging idiot one I have been on.

I am sad beyond word about some of the most recent events surrounding my life, things I have decided not to blog about, for fear of it being misconstrued. Secondly, I don't want to deal with the bs that follows a post that encompasses real, raw honestly. I have had enough bs recently that I will be full for the next 3 mths.

In my absence from blogging here a few things that have sent my emotions reeling: My aunt was diagnosed with cancer, they got it, BUT what a scare. It made my heart heavy, and it was my first close exposure to cancer. Sort of rocked my world a bit. My SIL has come at me with guns a blazing, which is weird because I have nothing to do with her g00d, bad or indifferent. I am going to leave it at that. My father is not recovering well from his motorcycle accident this past july. My sister is going thru alot right now, and I spend my time praying she makes good decisions. Then there is Lance who is weird at the moment, and I have been too wrapped up in drama and work to really get the root of his stuff. But what I do know is we are off kilter, out of sync and slightly distant. Work is still a learning curve, which frankly pisses me off, plus it has required a LOT of nightly meetings which puts a bit of stress on my home life.

Oh and one more thing, I called my mother a few days ago, in the middle of the night - sobbing. Hello folks, my mother. You know you have hit rock bottom when you make that leap, make that phone call and cannot wade thru all of the muck in your head. I went to bed, started sobbing - overwhelmed. Lance and I tired to talk - not much success. Then i called my mother, knowing she was asleep, it was late - but i needed too. Hello, earth to Michelle ' the mother ship is going to take you away'. Clear signs I am a basket case. Not to mention the sobbing that spewed from my eyes and the snot from my nose that night. OMG. She answers the phone clearly sleeping and I am squeaking thru the sobbs - for real you would have thought something was really wrong or that someone had died. Nope, just me losing my mind. I'll take one ticket to crazyville. Once she realizes that it is me and that everyone is okay, she humored me and stayed on the phone. Spewing words of wisdom wrapped up in her own version of nonsense - which we all luv. And occasionally losing track and she would speak to the mouse that was running across her floor. Yes, folks we are all easily distracted.

I am too the point where I either want to drink my lunch, punch every other person in the face (because stupidity drives me crazy) or gauge their eyeballs out and eat the gooy insides.

Lastly, because I am into self humiliation. I forgot to pay my phone bill for two months in a row. Who does that??? I manage over 20 million at work, pay alot of bills and work thru a lot of financials and I forget to pay my own damn phone bill? Not just once, but twice......I swear I just overlooked it all. I feel like I sink to the bottom, bob back up take a breath and then start sinking again. The small spot of light is not sunshine, but a spot light from the guy giggn' frogs and he is ready to spike me in the eyeball at any moment.

i play, that was drama filled.....I know.

THERE are some positives and I can embrace those to the end. my kids.
the best thing I have going - work, family, money and worries all go away with the smile of my darn kids. Thank god he gave them to me or I would be in worse shape than I am now. We survived a summer of surgery, unemployment and ups & downs. We will survive this bump in the road too, I am just ready for things to smooth out - just bit.

So I am waiting, for the tides to turn, moon to re-align and my head to be less hazy........any day now would be great..

1 comment:

Farrell said...

My heart breaks for you.
Especially even more now about Lance.
Consider bringing your kids over to my house; they can tear it up; god knows Pyper will be in heaven with all of soph's girly toys, and we can sit and chat and share a bottle (or two) of wine:)
xxoo
*Hugs*
PS - You can ALWAYS call me at any time, even in the middle of the night. Because I am your friends and that's what friends do.

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