I swear I am married to a morphed form of Martha Stewart and Ed Bundy.
I refer to Tuesday as our hell days, these are the days when Pyper has gymnastics and Rylan has football - we run around like idiots. Well this past Tuesday, we were also at the hospital with Lance's dad. So I decided to put on my mom pants and be the one who would run the kids around, normally I am at work and Lance gets it all done.
I left the hospital in enough time to go home and catch a quick half hour nap prior to picking up the kids from the sitters. I managed to convince myself that since Rylan wasn't off the bus yet, I could go home and make nice with my couch, open my windows, say a few prayers and attempt to unwind. That lasted like a milla-second.
I get the kids, get home and start the Tuesday scramble......start Rylan's homework, find the uniform, find the football crap, feed the kids, pack snacks, pack chairs, pack a cooler, pack Pypers mystery bag of stuff to do for 2 hrs of football practice. I start ticking off items in my head as they are getting done, only they are not going as fast as I had imagined. For one, Rylan cannot get his damn uniform on, because he cannot find his cup. I inform him that it is not my job to keep up with it, so he had better find it - or just not wear one. He was appalled to think that I would even advise him to NOT wear one - ohh, the shame. What would his 'boys' do not all snug in that plastic device designed to protect them......I rolled my eyeballs (whatever!!).
So we spent to much time looking for his cup that he never got his homework done, nor did I get dinner started or done - to major things. Eventually I called Lance on his cell phone to attempt to locate the missing cup - of course he knew where it was, right off the bat. As a side note: who places the cup downstairs in the laundry room, on a hook- WHEN the rest of the uniform in upstairs w/ all of the pieces??? Just saying.
I pack so much crap you would think I was leaving for a week or going to feed the starving children. We make it to gymnastics and make Rylan get out his homework and the lunchable which will be his rock starr dinner - because I am Rachel ray on a shoe string.
About that time Lance shows up at gymnastics to get Rylan because football and gymnastics overlap by approx 15 minutes, and god forbid if we are EVER late for our beloved football. Lance scanns the situation at gymnastics and states 'why is Rylan doing his homework now?'
Me 'because we couldn't get it done at home. Plus he has a lunchable that he needs to eat before he starts practice.'
Lance 'You didn't get homework done, nor did you feed them dinner?' His tone is rather disgusted.
I glare at him, and with a bleacher full of soccer moms and their kids that are not flipping and flopping on the floor below I state 'well, Martha Stewart, I was not able to rock it all out today.'
He continues ' how could you not, you left before me, you had plenty of time. You know when I do this, I make dinner, feed them dinner, have all the home work done and still make all of the appts.'
Me getting rather worked up 'well, happy horse shit for you, we decided to take the slacker route today. It was a lunchable or cereal - we thought the lunchable would be the more reasonable choice.'
By this time Rylan is packing up his stuff and getting ready to go to football, mind you he has not eaten his rock starr dinner....he has decided to wait until he gets home from practice (at 8:30pm) so that way his dad can make him something. Great, now I am really the loser mom.
On their way out, I ask Lance if Pyper and I can just skip football and go straight home to get some things done. He says he would prefer if I didn't show up. That makes me laugh, at least we are on the same page here. With out missing a beat he states while you are there switch out the laundry, it is all caught up but the dryer needs to be run one last time to 'fluff' the stuff before folding. I nodd as if I understand - but secretly I HATE laundry, and I am trying to figure out a way to avoid the dryer all together. But since he did do all of the laundry this week, think I can find the time to dragg my ass down there to at least fold one load.
I get home Thursday and he has cooked a turkey - not a just a turkey and lemon, sage turkey.
Does anyone see the role reversal going on here.................
Well don't be so quick to give him kudos, at least not just yet - he won't give up his man card for a turkey and a few loads of laundry.
We end up having a heated conversation during our turkey dinner. I was angry at how 'structured' our dinners have to be. He has no mercy on Rylan, esp at dinner - no elbows on the table, no using your fingers, you need to everything (even if you really don't like it), don't chew too loud, don't chew with your mouth open. ect, ect, ect. It seems like it never stops at the dinner table. While Pyper on the other hand, flutters around like a damn butterfly on crack. She eats off my plate, uses her fingers, can sit there naked if she likes, or all dress up like a witch (which she has done this week). She does not have to eat all of her food, or any of it for that matter. She can get up whenever she wants - and she does so she can sing or dance in front of the table.
So I make a comment at how he needs to let up and 'chill out' at the table. I did not grow up with such structure, and as much I can appreciate it we need a little bit of a damn break. He informs me that he wants them to have manners. Okay, manners I get - but tonight take them and shove them. I proceed to ask him, if he things there are two different standards at our table - one for Rylan and one for Pyper.
He looks at me, matter of factly and states 'yes.'
I look at him a bit stunned and state ' why'.
He looks rather content with himself and states, 'well, Rylan is the man and he needs the most structure and Pyper is just a girl, who will be JUST a women.'
I begin to see red and envision myself crawling across the table to choke him. I continue to ask'just WHAT exactly are you trying say?'
'well, you know just that women are inferior to men - and it is okay if Pyper flutters around, but Rylan has to know the ropes.'
*Okay folks see him swiping his 1950's man card right across my face. *
I look at him like I have no idea who he is - I am livid, I am pissed.
At this point dinner is done and we about to kill each other. The kids are looking at us like we are from the WWF, with each of us in our respective corners. I am ready to put the smack down on him. We exchange a few glares and a few code words and remind him that he has been doing alot of 'womens work these days'. And lets me know that is because I do a 'crappy job at them all.' I smirk and state 'fine with me, IF u do them, gives me more time to sit and eat bon-bons.'
And with that we called it a night...............
So as the roles seem to have been reversed in my household, just know that he has his 1950's membership card in his back pocket and is not afraid to use it. As a quick reminder I let him know that I have a full membership to the biz-nitch club. I will gladly pull out my biz-nitch card and match him one to one.
*but the turkey was good and my clothes are wrinkle free - ha!*