Monday, September 10, 2007

Blurr........

It is Monday.
The dreaded Monday. For the record (one more time) I HATE Mondays.
My house is a mess, which is surprising, because we did not spend much time in it over the weekend. Actually, I cleaned it prior to leaving Friday morning - so it became dirty Sunday night between 5 and 7pm. SLOBS.
We spent the weekend in the country (again). This trip was not planned, it was fostered by repeated phone calls about how poorly Lance's (step-mom) is doing. Lance and I both decided Thur night to take off work on Friday, and keep Rylan out of school so we could be with his step-mom and family. This effort was not in vain, but perhaps we could have slowed down a bit.

Lance's step-mom, Nancy is dying of double lung cancer and lung disease.
As a personal note this has been very difficult for me to watch. I have not lost alot of people in my life, majority of my grandparents are still alive and my parents are in their mid-fifties.

Lance on the other hand has an aging family, mother, father and siblings. Lance never knew his grandparents (too bad, I am sure he would have loved them!). I have tried to the best of my ability to give Lance the space necessary to deal with issue in his 'own' way.

Nancy is not just his step-mom, she represents so much more. Lance begun to realize how critical Nancy was in molding his life as he got older and started having his own kids. He loves and cares for her deeply. She may never know what a critical role she played in his life. But in his own little way he has tried to 'thank' her and hopes that she too is 'proud' of him.
That being said he needs to realize that 'we' are losing someone very important to us. Nancy is a grandmother to my children (my children adore her) and a great role model and friend to me. We are all losing a very important person in our life.
It has been difficult to watch her wither away. And for all intensive purposes she is withering away. Her mind is strong, but her body is giving out. To date she will make you laugh, make you cry and still give advice. She will even get her walker out and attempt to kick your *arse if you don't mind her.

She is the corner stone in our little world. Her home is welcoming and warm, it is always open to family and friends - even if she is sick. The thought of us not going to her home to see her brings tears to my eyes.
I think we pray for one more day with her, but secretly we pray that she will pass peacefully and without pain. I keep wondering 'why' she fights so hard. Is it her love for Grandpa - whom she clearly loves deeply. Actually, Grandma Nancy found it twice. Her first husband passed years ago - but she still speaks highly and lovingly of him. Her and Lance's dad have been married for 15 plus years. Love twice in a life-time. Not divorce...now there is a message.
You can still see the two of them look at each other with such intense emotions, you wonder how either one can survive without the other. Perhaps they won't.

Lance does not want to talk about it. Perhaps that is him coping. I sort of need too - I am a talker ( big surprise.). So we are working on finding that balance. I 'think' Lance feels that if he talks about 'it' then 'it (death)' is the reality. Well news flash, it is the reality.

Lance is not interested in his parents stuff, money or photo's - he is trying to suck up as much time and memories as he possibly can. I think he wants too have fond memories of his father and his father's wife. Nancy was so much more than a wife to grandpa - and for that we thank her.
We spent the weekend trying to make her life a bit more comfortable in our own little way. We don't live next door, so it is a bit hectic for us to get down there on short notice. Then once we are down there, we must evaluate the situation and go from there.
You can call on any given day and ask how things are, and the response is always the same 'fine'. Clearly, things are not fine - so stop saying that they are. Grandma and Grandpa have family and friends that live close, but they too seem to be only checking on them on an irregular basis. That realization was heartbreaking. So we tried to do what we could in the meantime without passing judgement on others. We made a few easy meals, and hopefully provided them with an easier way to get to the car. All small notions in the grand scheme of things, but none of it goes un-noticed.

We got home last night around 5pm - barely enough time to get showers, and unpack the car. My children haave been run ragged, slept in strange beds and ate on an irregular schedule. We all pay a price for the small moments.

Lance starts school this week - Tues and Thurs. Another indication of the impact Nancy had on his life. She gave him structure and made him take on the responsibility of a job at a young age (even when he didn't want to). Lance actually resented Nancy for a LONG time. The hopes of seeing his parents back together always sat in the back of his mind. His resentment was followed by anger, drinking and drug use. Nancy in true Nancy form, never pushed herself on Lance and NEVER tried to replace his real mother. She was just there......she treated him as her own. A wisdom and insight that continues to speak volumes. I can sit for hours and have coffee and talk to Nancy. Some of my fondest memories will be of sitting at the round table with a glass of coffee and a good conversation.

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