While I was driving into work today, I became overwhelmed with everything going on.....work, school, kids, husband, babysitter, holidays etc. I am saddened that this year 'my' family has decided once again not to get together. Everyone is scattered, and not because they have to be. As my thoughts continued I wanted to cry. Then I felt stupid for crying over something so silly. Perhaps I PMS is sneaking upon me...it tends to make me emotional.
We will be spending the holiday with Lance's family - his dad and extended family, because Nancy just passed and his dad really needs the support. Normally we travel to Lance's house and then end up at my mothers house - a two family holiday, just the way I like it. On a normal thanksgiving my mother dressed up in some 'period' dress and begins preparing the feast. Her house is frantic and hectic trying to prepare the turkey, ham, side dishes etc for her family of 30 to 40 to arrive in spurts. My sister arrives with her kids in tow, my cousins arrive with their kids, my aunts, grandparents etc. One big dysfunctional family under one roof - it is calming to my soul. Not this year. My sister is staying home hosting her 'own' Thanksgiving, my mother was going out of town and my brother is too far away to make the trip. Our tradition is falling apart, and I am surprised at how it is effecting me. I love lance's family, but really wanted to see my own. these last few months have been really hard on my family and me - watching Nancy pass.
So the thought occurred to me - how do I deal with this...shopping, perhaps? Not Christmas shopping, retail therapy, for me. Perhaps a pair of shoes or a new shirt will make me feel better - guilty pleasure. Every other day I get starbucks - and at times that is the highlight of my day. I pack my lunch so i can spend $4.00 on coffee - a coffee I will drink ALL day long. I savor the over-priced coffee, I drink it piping hot and cold. I attend my meeting at noon with my coffee cup in tow. I don't feel I am coffee snob per say, but I have fallen for 'good' coffee. Coffee, wine and chocolate - sooth my soul. Shopping at times makes my head spin, and perhaps I will be disappointed with my goal to shop today, or I may wonder around, glad to be a stranger in the crowd.
I don't want to think about the madness or the work on my desk...I don't want to be a mom, a boss, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a aunt, cousin etc, a stranger in the crowd for an hour or two would be good for my soul. Perhaps I will sit on a bench and people watch, and count my many blessings. Perhaps I will take time to thank god and attempt to feed my soul.
I miss my family and i want some resemblance of it all back - aunts, uncles, mom, dad, sister, brothers, babies, grandparents all gathered around the table glad to see each other once again. A house where good conversation flows, kids play, music in the background, women in the kitchen drinks in hand, men out side around the fire (drinks in hand), and you can feel the warmth and love the moment you walk in the door. I need the warmth and love to surround me....