Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Moving on?

So I spent last night at my sisters home, again. I went over after I got home from work. I picked up Pyper, kissed my husband and son - and went to my sisters.
She will tell you she is 'fine', she will tell you she does not need anything. But. I am her sister and I know better. I am the one person who can walk in the room and not have to say a word, yet we have said everything. All she needed was for me to be around, and for me to give her a hug. She is 'fine' for all intensive purposes. She has to be, her life still has to go on, she still has 4 young kids who need her. But she is not *fine*, she is just going thru the motions, and half ass at that. She did not shower for two days. Mind you, she showers AND shaves everyday.
It will be a long road for her and her husband, they both lost someone near and dear to them.
I won't insult her with words of comfort or tell her everything will be okay. At this point, I don't know that it will. Regardless, I will be there.

But, here is where I am struggling. I have had my annual conference scheduled now for three months, and I have to leave tomorrow to go out of town. I am going to the lake of the ozarks, staying at the four seasons resort. The viewing is tomorrow and the funeral is the next day. I have decided not to cancel my conference plans. Part of me feels like a smuck. The other part of me knows that I will be useless at the viewing / funeral anyway.
Misty,has already said she is staying for the entire 6 hours of the viewing to stay by her friends side. The reality of it is, I would probably only show up for a 1/2 hour anyway and then go home. The reality of it is, I wouldn't go to the funeral - I think those are personal, and I liked the guy, and we meet on several occasions, but we were not deep friends. Nor are me and his wife. I know I am making the right decision....so, why does it feel so bad?
I have images of my sister really needing me, and I will be out of town. Then, I think -she has a husband to lean on, and they probably really need each other.
*I might just be in the way.
ugh.
As much as I am looking forward to getting away, and sleeping all night, and getting a massage...I am troubled by the things I am leaving at home. My sister, Pyper fighting allergies, Lance actually handling things for two nights and three days. I hope i can let go of these issues and just relax. Although, I know how I am, and that is not likely.......
I look so forward to going away, I have such grand ideas about what I am going to do with my time, and then I spend it thinking about home. Is this normal?

I know that Lance can keep the kids for a few days, but I still worry that when I am gone is when something will happen.......I worry he won't get up in the middle of the night with Pyper, or give her the medicine, or be able to comfort her during one of her two year old fits. But he is her dad, he really wants what is best for her. I am sure on hour in to the 'get to know each other' reception ( a few cosmo's later), I will feel fine. *

I will actually get to shower, shave, sleep alone, sleep all night, and not have to share a bed - what the hell am I b*tching about? Someone should slap me right now! I have a two bedroom condo if anyone cares to join me :).............

2 comments:

A Buns Life said...

Oh sure rub it in....I always feel a little guilty/nervous/whatever when I leave on business and maybe because it is usually overseas, but whatever, my hubby does just fine without me and Lance will too. Enjoy your time, and if I could join you, I TOTALLY would. :)

I'm sorry about your sister's friends. Hopefully this will be the wakeup call she needs. There is no harm in having fun every once in a while, but it sounded like she was doing it at the expense of her family and herself really. It's so sad.

Since you will be on your trip this week, does this mean you won't be able to come out with us on Sat. night?

Lisa said...

Am catching up on your blog. Am so very sorry that all this has been going on with your sister. How horrible for her, the family and for you guys too. Drinking and driving is so scarey.

Sounds like you needed the break. Sounds like, from the most recent post, those chocolate martinis were exactly what you needed. heehee.

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